A Note From A Reader: “My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We both come from divorced hetro marriages. My problem is the lack of romance. His version of intimacy is “hey, I’ve got a hard on, you want to F#&K? For me that’s ok some of the time, but I want to be seduced and romanced. The sex that follows is amazing, yet he tells me he doesn’t know how???? Are you kidding me? after 14 years?? Please help me!”

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The most frequent question we receive at our couples workshops and therapist trainings is, “What do you think about monogamy and same sex couples?”

I love this question, and the debate that is circulating right now about the entire topic. On July 3rd, 2011, the New York Times Magazine published a huge article on the topic. The fascinating article included discussion by Dan Savage, one of America’s leading human sexuality journalists, and his feelings on the issue. “Savage says a more flexible attitude within marriage may be just what the straight community needs. Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.”

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Breaks in trust come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Small breaks include those moments when you thought your partner would be there for you, but they let you down.

A simple example includes promising to pick something up from the store on the way home, but forgetting. If this has happened once, maybe you can easily forgive and move on. But what if it has happened ten times? Then we have a different story.

Larger breaks in trust are often big blows to the partnership itself. The classic example is a betrayal, as in an affair, where you feel like your partner compared you to someone else, and that other person was chosen over you. John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, recently found that when people feel betrayed they begin to ask themselves why they’re with their partner in the first place. “If he’s going to choose that guy over me, why should I even stay?” becomes the inner dialogue of the betrayed partner. This is obviously really detrimental to the partnership.

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This is a great question, and so I turned to the research literature for some answers. All 20 studies that I read agreed there needs to be more review of this dynamic, but below I present some important findings. The research largely agreed that butch/femme dynamics are not related to relationship satisfaction, and that the butch/femme dynamic is changing due to social influences.

- When you look at butch/femme dynamics and relationship satisfaction, internalized homophobia and discrimination were associated with lower relationship quality and both domestic violence perpetration and victimization. Outness and butch/femme identity were largely unrelated to relationship variables. (Psychology of Women Quarterly, Sep, 2005)

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GCI Executive Director Salvatore Garanzini, MFT appeared on San Francisco Comcast’s TV show “Outspoken” talking about latest relationship research and our upcoming July 19, 2009 “Relation Renovation” couples workshop. Catch the replay of the program 5/26 Tuesday at 9PM, 5/27 Wednesday at 7PM, 5/29 Friday at 7:30PM, 5/30 Saturday at 6:00PM, and 5/31 Sunday at 7:00PM on ComcastSF “The City Station”, cable channel 11 in San Francisco. 
http://www.outspokensf.com/schedule

At 5pm (PST) Tuesday June 2nd join Salvatore with all your relationship questions on “The Radio Boiz”, a worldwide internet LGBT radio station. Hosted out of St. Petersburg, Florida, you can listen to the replay now below: 

Enjoy the replay of the show. We talked about how to respond when your partner tells you that you’re too “needy”, how to deal with issues around your partner’s ex, and much more!

We’ve been reviewing Shirley Glass’ great book on affair recovery, “Not Just Friends”. Here’s some good things to think about, when you consider getting over it.

GETTING OVER IT.  

1. Get rid of all memento’s  and reminders
2. Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
3. Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask  it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
4. Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks.  The unfaithful one -  do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
5. The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario. 
6. Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact. 
7. No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
8. Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
9. Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events. 
10. Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
11. Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.

Much of this can be accomplished with a couples therapist, trained in this method. Contact us at 877-424-1221 if you’d like some direction, or schedule an appointment HERE.