Updated: Apr 11
If you're in a long-term, committed union, then you know that over time, that initial passion you both experienced dies down.
For some, sex just isn't as frequent as it used to be. For others, it comes to a crashing halt.
And that's when you realize your relationship may need help.
Well, we're here to let you know that this is a normal, natural part of settling into a partnership.
What you might not know is that...
Sex can actually be even better over the long haul.
Because when true intimacy develops over time, so does the potential for the strengthening of your sexual bond.
We'll get to the 3 most important things you can start doing TODAY to keep that spark alive.
But first, let's go over some common mistakes couples make when it comes to intimacy.
Mistake #1. You obsess over what intimacy should look like...and experience lack in your own relationship as a result.
We can blame the internet and media for this one.
Many couples think that intimacy is what they see in the movies.
A romantic kiss in the moonlight under a light rain (cue the crescendo of music)...
If you have - by osmosis - got this idea in your head of what intimacy should look like, you block out real-life intimacy.
Because the truth is, even the most mundane thing like cuddling up with your partner and watching Netflix is intimate. It's in fact a level of intimacy that goes deeper than those passionate, fleeting moments captured on the big screen.
Mistake #2. You don't equate intimacy with anything other than sex.
Intimacy is about more than just sex. It actually starts before you get anywhere near the boudoir.
Non-sexual intimacy, like a caress outside the bedroom that isn't intentionally trying to lead to sex or kind words of appreciation for your partner, lay the groundwork that is vital for success between the sheets.
Mistake #3. You don't talk about intimacy at all.
We can get busy in our day to day routines. So busy that many couples don't even talk about intimacy at all.
Not talking about it contributes to not thinking about it, which puts it on the back burner of our lives.
So what are the three most important things you can start doing TODAY to improve your sex life?
Tip #1. Be present with each other.
If you want to establish an intimate connection, you simply need to be present and enjoy the moment with your partner.
This goes a long way to helping you connect on a deeper level.
Because when you're present, mind and body, you're connecting. You don't feel like just roommates living parallel lives.
So what does being present look like?
It can be a conversation over breakfast, listening when the other person talks (putting down your smartphone to do so...), or each of you reading a book on the sofa before dozing off for an afternoon nap.
Tip #2. Make physical intimacy a priority.
I want you to take a minute to think of your relationship like a bank account.
In order to be able to take something out, you need to put something into it first.
The satisfaction you have with your relationship is directly correlated with what you put into it.
So let's say you might be too tired today to be present or intimate with your partner.
Problem is, if you keep putting things off until you feel better or have more energy, you aren't putting effort into your relationship.
What happens today directly impacts what will happen tomorrow.
In other words, what you put into your relationship now, determines what you get out of it in the future.
And putting off intimacy will only drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner.
This leads many busy couples to come in asking whether they should schedule physical intimacy into their week.
Here are our thoughts on that:
If scheduling in time works for you, by all means, keep penciling it in.
But if you and your partner thrive on spontaneity, then make an effort to be more deliberate. Make your relationship a priority. Get excited about doing something fun to surprise your partner. Don't let that fall to the wayside.
The success of your relationship is determined by how much you invest in it.
Tip #3. If you're having difficulty reigniting the spark, get couples therapy asap.
We have counselled over 2,500 gay and lesbian couples, and we know a thing or two about a thing or two, including how to keep sex alive in long-term relationships.
We have tons of tips and tricks we share with our couples, as well as helpful resources that can reignite a lost spark.
Do you want to reinvigorate your relationship? Let's get started...