We've been reviewing Shirley Glass' great book on affair recovery, "Not Just Friends". Here's some good things to think about, when you consider getting over it.
Guidelines for Getting Over Betrayal:
Get rid of all memento’s and reminders
Make the farewell final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks. The unfaithful one - do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario.
Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact.
No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or "white lies" can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events.
Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.
Much of this can be accomplished with a couples therapist, trained in this method. Contact us at 877-424-1221 if you'd like some direction, or schedule an appointment HERE.