Updated: Jan 7
Before we get into the meat of this post, let's start with a change of mindset.
You see, sex therapy isn't about working on your problems.
Sex therapy is about working on your potential.
The potential for better sex. Greater intimacy. A stronger relationship.
Your best potential as a couple.
And even though you might feel pretty far away from it today...
This is a potential that you and your partner can realize.
It is possible to bring sexual fun back into your relationship!
We've counseled over 3,000 gay couples, and more often than not, they approach us for sex therapy.
Some of them haven't had sex with their partners in such a long time that they've stopped even thinking about it.
But it still takes these same couples weeks, months, and sometimes even years before they walk through our doors to get help.
Once they do, and once they start making progress, they wonder what took them so long.
It's time to stop waiting and start realizing your potential.
Here are 9 signs you and your partner may need a sex therapist.
#1. You've stopped talking about sex.
Healthy couples flirt and talk about sex and sexuality all the time. Need proof?
Christiane Northrup's 70,000 person study (called the Normal Bar) found that couples that talk about sex a lot actually have a lot of it.
If you're no longer enjoying frisky moments with your significant other, a sex therapist can help you figure out why - and what you can do about it.
#2. You don't touch one another anymore.
Partners both need to give and receive physical touch.
And we're not just talking about sexual touch here. This includes non-arousal touch, too.
Touch is about comfort and connection. If you've lost that, you may need help from a professional on how to listen and pay attention to each other sexually.
#3. You're having sex alone more often.
Masturbation is key to discovering your own sexual pleasures. It's also a healthy activity that we don't recommend you stop when you're in a relationship.
But if you no longer desire sharing sexuality with your partner, a sex therapist can try to help you and your partner reconnect and develop sexually - together.
#4. You've lost your libido.
If you're not in the mood after a long day at work, that's understandable. Sometimes stressful moments in life last a little longer than a day or two, or even a week.
But if you've become completely disinterested in sex - with your partner or with anyone at all - and it's not related to an underlying physiological issue, you may need help from a sex therapist.
#5. You're having problems outside the bedroom as well.
Stress in your sex life can be a reflection of imbalances elsewhere in your relationship.
Could it be attributed to the differences in your personality types? How you handle disagreements? How you communicate with each other?
A sex therapist can help you understand and attempt to resolve other dynamics that may be impacting what's happening under the sheets.
#6. You are having trouble communicating your wants in bed.
Are you afraid, ashamed, or embarrassed to talk about what turns you on? Or maybe you don't even know what you want.
Unless you're comfortable with your own sexual needs and energy, you won't be able to settle in the present moment with your partner.
A sex therapist can help you figure out your sexual aspirations. You need to know how you feel about yourself as a sexual being. You need to believe it's okay to experience the sexual joy that our bodies are wired to express.
#7. You don't know what turns your partner on.
You want a sexually fulfilling relationship that will last the test of time, right?
If so, you need to tune into your partner sexually. You must expand your sexual understanding of each other. You need to get comfortable talking about the sexual "extras" you both want.
We call these the Sexual Additions, and they include things such as:
How to align on shared goals.
Scheduling time to talk about sex.
A sex therapist can help you explore both of your needs in an open, safe environment.
#8. You're having doubts or discomfort around sexuality.
Sexuality can be a confusing thing. Maybe you're uncomfortable doing or fantasizing about certain erotic things that turn you or your partner on.
A sex therapist can help you navigate these fantasies, put them into perspective, and figure out healthy ways to deal with them going forward.
#9. You're trying hard to make a change, but you're not getting anywhere.
If you have tried every solution you can think of to bring the fun back into your sex life but it keeps failing, you need professional help.
It takes two to tango. Whether it's because your partner isn't receptive, or perhaps you aren't communicating in a way they can truly hear you, a sex therapist can act as the bridge to connect you.
We help to remove emotional blocks and get to the heart of discussions. It's only by understanding the deeper feelings (such as anger, resentment, shame, jealousy) around sexual issues that progress is made.
How can the Gay Couples Institute help?
At the Gay Couples Institute, we create a "team spirit" in couples sex therapy, so that both of your needs are heard, represented, and acknowledged.
We're on your side, and we want you to achieve your relationship goals and a satisfying sex life.
Over and above traditional psychotherapy, we also turn to modern approaches to help increase your sexual expression and vitality, including:
Breath work; and
Every relationship takes work. But we don't have to focus on your problems in sex therapy.
We can focus on your potential and help you to realize it as a couple.
Want to go deeper into learning how you can improve your same-sex relationship and make it last?