Updated: Aug 18
Many couples, no matter how happy they may be in their relationship, have issues keeping the sexual spark alive.
We have counseled over 3,000 couples, and more often than not, they approach us for sex therapy.
Gay couples tell us that sex starts to get routine with each other after 2 years together.
They ask things like:
How do you pivot when your sex life hasn't been that great for quite a while?
How do you discuss open relationships when we don't even have a solid foundation in our own relationship?
How do we talk about sex when me and my partner don't view it the same way?
We want you to know that it is possible to bring sexual fun back into your relationship.
And we'll let you know-how below.
But first, if you're having problems with sex taking a dip in your relationship, ask yourself one simple question:
How often do you and your partner actually talk about sex?
When a couple comes in and complains about how little they have sex, this is the first question we ask.
And the answer is almost always, "Not that much."
The problem starts here.
You see, sex researchers have found that...
Couples who talk more often about sex, end up having it more often.
Christiane Northrup's 70,000 person study (called the Normal Bar) found that couples that talk about sex a lot actually have a lot of it.
The correlation is very strong, and it's a phenomenon seen across the globe, especially in Latin countries.
In Paris, couples talk about sex and sexuality very often. They flirt and playfully touch each other.
This makes it easier to initiate sex when they get somewhere more private.
Now, you might be wondering...
Can traditional psychotherapy help with a waning sex life?
In our opinion, the traditional field of psychotherapy speaks about sex in too distant a way.
Maybe it's because Judeo-Christian guilt trips and anti-sex dogma are so prevalent in our society, but...
We live in sexual shame and that can make it difficult for psychotherapists to directly tackle the subject.
At the Gay Couples Institute, we turn to more modern approaches to help increase your sexual expression and vitality.
These include mindfulness, tantra, massage, Taoism, breath work, and Kundalini yoga.
But more than just tips and tricks on how to stay physically attuned to each other, you're going to need an action plan to put it all together and make it last.
We take our clients through a 5-step process that helps jumpstart your sex life.
Think of these as tips to get you on the path to the best possible sex life with your partner.
Tip #1. Figure out your sexual aspirations.
How do you feel about yourself as a sexual being?
Do you champion the sexual joy that our bodies are wired to express, or do you direct shame about your sexuality inwards?
Your first order of business is to get clear on your own sexual aspirations so that you can start feeling sexy again.
Unless you're comfortable with your own sexual needs and energy, you won't be able to settle in the present moment with your partner.
Tip #2. Give yourselves the sexual attention you deserve.
You both need to give and receive physical touch.
And I'm not just talking about sexual touch. This includes non-arousal touch, too.
Get comfortable being back in physical connection with your partner.
In our counselling sessions, we show you how to get your partner to listen and pay attention to what you want sexually.
Tip #3. Turn up the sexual attraction.
Now that you're paying attention to your partner's physical touch and vice versa, become deliberate about talking about sex.
This helps to get you both back on the same wavelength and build up sexual energy and attraction.
Tip #4. Take sexual action.
Start to take sexual action and express your love through playful physicality and sexual touch.
Interestingly, this is the step people think they need to start at when they've realized they've fallen out of sex with their partner.
But the first three tips are fundamental before you begin this step.
You need to put a solid foundation down first before building the house on top, otherwise it'll crumble and fall apart quickly.
In our counselling sessions, this is where we introduce Himeros TV, gay porn that enhances a couple's experience of sex.
Tip #5. Get comfortable speaking about and understanding the Sexual Additions.
Okay, so you've worked on yourself, your attention to one another, your attraction to one another, and you're taking action with one another.
Sexual Additions are about the "extras" that expand your sexual understanding of each other, such as:
How to align on shared goals.
Scheduling time to talk about sex.
By learning about each other's sexual additions, you can balance both of your needs and keep sex fun over time.
You've read this far. But if you're thinking...
My partner isn't open to talking about sex or improving our sex life...
Then what you really need is a great sex coach.
A great sex coach could be a relationship saver.
It may be that you need help reintroducing sex into your lives ( our 5-step process works for that)...
But it also might be that you don't approach the world in the same way and need counseling in another arena first. (We have a quiz to help you determine that.)