Did you know that gay couples are kinder to one another when they argue or fight, when compared to straight couples? It’s true, and several recent research studies are all pointing in this direction.

This said, whether you’re gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with their partner.

What defines awful? When you figure out the answer to this question, you’ll know more clearly what to avoid. (more…)

“Whose house do we go to this year?” “I don’t get along with my in-laws!” “Your parents aren’t accepting of our family.” “Do we honor our chosen family or birth family?” This workshop will offer discussion, strategies and tips for navigating the holidays. Join Alapaki Yee, cofounder of GCI, as he discusses what makes a satisfying relationship and some of the unique stresses in gay relationships over the holidays, and what research is saying about how couples can move beyond these challenges.

Register: Click Here!
When: Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 6-8pm
Where: SF LGBT Center, 1800 Market St., San Francisco

Also, on 11/10/09 Salvatore and Alapaki were also recently on RadioBoiz Radio Show in St.Petersburg, Florida. Listeners got their questions answered regarding open relationships, gay marriage, and recovering from a breakup. It was a really fun show! Listen here:

Have you ever forgotten your partner’s birthday? Most people would probably say ‘no’. But can you answer yes to all of these questions about your partner?

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How did you do? This fun quiz is part of the assessment we give couples at our workshops and clinic. (more…)

There are four types of communication that escalate the tension when you’re talking with your partner.

They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. (created by John Gottman, PhD)

We’ve learned some interesting things about avoiding criticism recently, which I thought I’d post for you.

Criticism: What is it?

Criticism is using any kind of language that indicates blame. Typically, using the word ‘you’ is the culprit.

- “I can’t believe you didn’t record American Idol for me last night!”

- “You should have called ahead of time for reservations.”

But criticism can also just be touted as negativity, without actually saying the word ‘you’. The blame is alive and well, though. Take a look…

- “This is the third day in a row I had to clean the cat litter!” (If it’s normally your job to do the cat box, the ‘you’ is implied, but clearly heard by the listener.)

- “We should have called for reservations at this restaurant! I’m so pissed right now!” (This person is being defensive off the bat, but it’s clear he’s hunting for blame, and that person is ‘you’.)

So how do you stop criticism in it’s tracks?

Rule 1: Talk About What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want or Didn’t Get. This strategy takes all the negativity and complaining/blame off the table. “I really want the cat litter to be cleaned everyday, okay?” or “I was hoping we could have walked right into the restaurant and sat down at a table.” Notice that it’s still okay to be angry. You’re just avoiding criticism, by removing blame, which is the small component of anger that escalates the tension.

Rule 2: Talk About Yourself, Not About The Other Person. By staying inside your body, and inside your experience, you avoid any kind of attack. “I feel so tired right now, and I was really hoping that the household chores would be finished” or “I’ve been looking forward to eating at this restaurant all day and am now worried we won’t be able to find another good spot.” I’m staying inside my experience, not referencing my partner at all.

These are two simple things that we teach couples in our clinic, and in our workshops. Let us know if we can help.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm

GCI Executive Director Salvatore Garanzini, MFT appeared on San Francisco Comcast’s TV show “Outspoken” talking about latest relationship research and our upcoming July 19, 2009 “Relation Renovation” couples workshop. Catch the replay of the program 5/26 Tuesday at 9PM, 5/27 Wednesday at 7PM, 5/29 Friday at 7:30PM, 5/30 Saturday at 6:00PM, and 5/31 Sunday at 7:00PM on ComcastSF “The City Station”, cable channel 11 in San Francisco. 
http://www.outspokensf.com/schedule

At 5pm (PST) Tuesday June 2nd join Salvatore with all your relationship questions on “The Radio Boiz”, a worldwide internet LGBT radio station. Hosted out of St. Petersburg, Florida, you can listen to the replay now below: 

Enjoy the replay of the show. We talked about how to respond when your partner tells you that you’re too “needy”, how to deal with issues around your partner’s ex, and much more!

We’ve been reviewing Shirley Glass’ great book on affair recovery, “Not Just Friends”. Here’s some good things to think about, when you consider getting over it.

GETTING OVER IT.  

1. Get rid of all memento’s  and reminders
2. Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
3. Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask  it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
4. Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks.  The unfaithful one -  do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
5. The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario. 
6. Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact. 
7. No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
8. Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
9. Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events. 
10. Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
11. Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.

Much of this can be accomplished with a couples therapist, trained in this method. Contact us at 877-424-1221 if you’d like some direction, or schedule an appointment HERE.