Dear Reader,

We’ve received over 44 emails with suggestions for the Ask The Expert Series coming to our Web Seminar workshops schedule.

I’m going to start the Expert series June 3rd, with sign up registration beginning between Monday, May 26th and Thursday, May 29th.

POST MORE OF YOUR IDEAS BELOW! Your suggestions so far have been great.

As many know, today California repealed the ban on same sex marriage. Couples started filing into the city clerk’s office in San Francisco just 20 minutes after the 4 to 3 decision was released.

Julie Scearce, 45, and Paula Bocciardi, 52, of the West Portal neighborhood in SF, were the first couple to line up. Way to go.

The Clerk’s office said that they must wait 30 days for the decision to actually go into effect before marrying people, but they’re putting all the couples on a list. Wanna have a summer wedding? Now’s your chance.

It’s worth noting the findings of a study done on same sex couples who received civil unions in Vermont in 2000.

It found:

• Same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have separated.
• Same-sex couples (both unionized and not) reported lower levels of conflict, and greater levels of compatibility, intimacy and relationship quality than heterosexual couples.

Basically, as is the case for heterosexual couples, if you’re married you’re more likely to work through the hard times and not separate. Same sex couples also seem to work harder at keeping their relationship happy and healthy. Would you agree?

Congratulations to all the happy couples getting on the list at City Hall!

Sound familiar?

Does this happen at your house?

I hope not. It’s a predictor of divorce and breakup.

The typical situation: Your significant-other brings up something they want you to do.

• Take out the garbage.
• Clean the cat litter.
• Call your family.
• Wash the car.

In response to hearing this AGAIN, you pretend to do something else, putting up a conversational blockade. You’re hoping that the request will just disappear and go away, right?

John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, says that you’re actually trying to soothe yourself and calm down. Something about the request is overwhelming. Maybe you don’t like being told what to do. Maybe your dad used to nag you about the trash (Are you reading this, Dad?).

The problem is that your attempt to blockade the request will actually make your partner MORE mad. It is seen and felt as an act of aggression, be it a passive one. When researched, it’s also one thing that couples tend to do as their relationship is on the decline.

As a suggestion, rather than blocking out the request, turn to your partner and tell them that you’re overwhelmed by the request. Compromise on a time to deal with it later (then follow through and do it). I’ve seen this tactic help many couples in the past move beyond this ‘blockade behavior’.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Wow.

In the first study of it’s kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships.

More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30!

Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New York City, which has a high gay and lesbian population.

This finding is in line with an article from 2006 posted on this blog where University of Windsor, Ontario, researchers found that young gay men in Toronto also championed monogamous relationship views.

In a recent email from the author, Dr. Barry Adam,

• Monogamy, as a firmly held principle for organizing relationships, appears to be more common among men in early stages of relationship development, younger men who refer to heterosexual models, and men whose formative years were passed in cultures with no, or limited, autonomous gay worlds. (pp 12-13)My study, which was based in Toronto, also involved young men from a large city. The common element here seems to be that young men, whether in large cities or not, are socialized into hetero models of relationship. Only with experience in the gay world do alternatives come into focus.

Maybe the tide is shifting toward monogamy for the younger generations?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

   

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Couples often ask, “After we’ve had a big argument is it ok to go to bed angry?”

What do you think? Leave us a comment below.

Our answer?

Sure, go to bed angry. Arguments are a re-calibration of some issue in the relationship. You two are trying to fix something and come to a solution.

Arguments are not a bad thing at all, but if they start causing a lot of tension and overwhelm, then we have an additional problem. All relationships have problems. On some level, all relationships should always have arguments. Relationships, though, should not have tension as problems are worked out.

So, is it ok to go to bed angry? Sure, if it facilitates reducing the tension after a difficult argument. It is much better that you go to sleep, wake up more clear-headed, and try your hand again at dealing with the issue. This is a skill we’ve seen couples who last into the long-term do regularly. They sleep on it.

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt you were doing all the work? Many people can relate to this at some point. It’s frustrating.

Recently someone mentioned, “I have been putting so much effort into this amazing girl that I met. When we’re together she says she wants the same things as I do. I see so much of a future. But lately I’ve noticed less interest on her part. I call her and she takes a day to call back. To top it off, she’s not out to her family, so when they come to spend time with her I basically get dumped, not hearing anything all week. What’s up with that?”

How would you deal with this situation???

The problem here is the concept of ‘turning toward’. Each time you call her you’re making a bid for her attention. Each time she acknowledges it, the relationship is strengthened. Each time she bids for your attention, even in the smallest way, and you acknowledge it, the relationship is strengthened. It’s like a tennis match; it takes two people to keep the ball going.

The research has shown that couples who have long successful relationships acknowledge each others bids 87% of the time! That’s a lot! Realistically, it’s probably asking too much that someone you just met turn toward you 87% of the time, but over time it should grow to that level.

John Gottman wrote a great book about this, The Relationship Cure. Take A Look Here

Couples tend toward breakup or divorce once the bids are acknowledged (turned toward) less that 50% of the time. Think of a tennis match where one player returns the ball half the time; it gets pretty boring. No wonder it’s so frustrating when your girlfriend doesn’t call you back.

- The Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Dear Readers,

We have 131 people on our list who are eagerly awaiting our coming workshop. This is great! If you’d like a preview of the exercises covered, and to get a table of contents of the workshop manual, just go to:

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/video.htm and put your email in. 

You’ll also get an invitation to the workshop when registration opens in a few days. 

Some of the exercises we’re teaching couples:

• HOUR 1: How Relationships Last Long-Term: Restoring Affection and Excitement
• HOUR 2: Long Term Relationships: Using Your Relationship To De-Stress
• HOUR 3: Managing Conflict: Overcoming The 6 Common Areas Couples Fight About
• HOUR 4: Managing Conflict: Compromising and Negotiating Power

This should address your major concerns:

1. “we need to learn to communicate”
2. “help us stop arguing”
3. “I can’t trust my partner anymore”

So how much should we charge, given that you’re receiving FOUR HOURS of packed information designed to improve your relationship? (If you don’t like the workshop you get your money back, no questions asked, BTW.)

Not everyone is paying full price! For the first two couples who sign up, you’ll get a nice discount for offering your suggestions and comments all along.

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We’re only allowing 6 couples per workshop date, so that everyone gets the individualized attention they want. Don’t forget: If you want to be on the priority notification list, just make sure your email is here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/video.htm . 

Thanks for helping us make this possible through your suggestions and support!

So you’ve been on a couple dates and things are going great. You’re excited, and you hope your date is too.

Then a couple days go by and you get texted…. “I can’t hang out Friday night…” or “Really busy this week can I call you next week?”

By now, you’re wondering: Oh My God, he/she is so great, are they losing interest? What do I do? I don’t want to pester anyone, but I want this one to work out!

The Gay Couples Institute is continuing John Gottman’s research on gay/lesbian relationships. Here’s a little of what we know so far about dating and relationships.

Couples begin by building their friendship. You should concentrate on this too! There are three tasks to accomplish during this stage:

1. Get to know each other. What does he do all week? What activities does he enjoy? What’s her family like? Who were his best friends in high school? What was it like for him to come out? You and your date will grow closer as you know each other’s background.
2. To develop a fondness for each other. What makes him unique? What hobbies or personal interests does she have that make you think “Wow, she’s really cool.”
3. When your date makes an overture for your attention, turn toward it (acknowledge it) immediately. These consistent acknowledgements contribute to the “emotional bank account” that exists between the two of you. It’s a way of keeping the ball in play, the conversation moving forward. When you get a text message or phone call, respond. No game playing.

So what to do when he’s not turning toward you very often?

1. Relax. Your job is to turn toward him when he bids for your attention. You’re doing plenty to increase the bank account.
2. Don’t make too big of a deposit into your ‘bank account’ too early. Roses can be a BIG ‘turn toward’ your date, but on the first date this may be a bit much. Small bids in the beginning accomplish more. You can: Ask your date about themselves (show you’re interested - #1 above), show up on time (accomplishing #3), and compliment him/her on what makes them interesting (#2 above).

We’re here to help. If you’re looking to nurture the friendship of your new relationship, or you’ve been together a while but need a re-charge to your friendship, the Gay Couples Institute is having our first web seminar about dating on May 20th, which specifically addresses this further. Sign up here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshops.htm

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

In 2000, Vermont was the first state to legalize same-sex relationships, so that heterosexual and same-sex couples had the same legal rights. Published in February in Developmental Psychology was the first longitudinal study completed to examine same-sex couples in civil unions.