Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage in California, was just overturned. Many people have been asking us whether marriage really helps gay/lesbian relationships last long term.

Marriage does help same sex relationships. Here’s two important pieces of evidence:

An important article in the Journal of Developmental Psychology in 2003 followed up with Vermont-based couples who went through civil unions from 2000-2002. It compared those unionized couples with a) their gay un-unionized friends’ relationships, and b) their heterosexual married friends, to see how long the unionized couples stayed together.

It found that the gay/lesbian couples who unionized stayed together at the SAME RATE as their married heterosexual counterparts, and LONGER THAN their friends who had un-unionized relationships. In short, a union that is recognized by the government helps couples stay together longer.

(Are “marriages” better than “civil unions? I haven’t read published research discussing this, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there. One would assume that separate is NOT equal, and if government wants to promote long-lasting relationships, then they should call them the same, with the same benefits, in order to get the same positive outcome.)

Secondly, important research by the country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, showed that couples (gay or straight) last longer when they create meaning together.

What is “meaning”? It’s anything that gives tangible legitimacy to the relationship, and can include moving in together, exchange of rings, developing fun rituals together, putting pictures on the walls, having children, etc. “Marriage” goes into this bucket.

If you think about it, this makes sense.

Your “meaning” is the stuff that stops you from breaking up when things get rough. Before walking out the door, you consider what it would be like to separate belongings, find someone new to develop fun rituals with, and all the new pictures you’d have to take. All your future plans/goals might evaporate. It stops you in your tracks.

Remember, “gay marriage” also offers the potential for “gay divorce”, but this isn’t such a bad thing, because the thought of having to divorce might stop you in your tracks, long enough to get help from a counselor or advisor who knows their stuff.

The Gay Couples Institute will be celebrating the Prop 8 Overturn Victory at our Gay Date Night event this Saturday in SF. Come join us for free!

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Why is it so important to have mutually agreed upon ground rules when it comes to disagreements between couples?
- 35 years of research by John Gottman, PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, shows one big thing: Problems/Arguments do not end relationships, TENSION does. In order to fight fair, you have to find small ways to avoid the tension that can come up during bad fights. Feel free to get angry with each other, but just don’t do the 4 things I outline below.

What are the most important ground rules to establish?

There are 4 main styles of fighting to be avoided, which when accomplished, will lead to a ‘fair’ fight. Couples need to avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and “stonewalling”.

1. Criticism is any talk that involves blame. The way to avoid it is to talk about what you want, not what you don’t want, and talk about yourself, not that infamous “you” word directed at your partner.
2. To avoid getting defensive, the antidote is to find something, if only a small piece, of what your partner said to validate. Validation is not agreeing; it’s saying “I can see how from your perspective you would want _______”.
3. Contempt is name calling, belligerence, or any kind of moralistic stance toward your partner. It has a 94% correlation with divorce, says Gottman, and should just be avoided at all costs.
4. Stonewalling is an act of passive aggression when you put up a wall to your partner. You stonewall when you hang up the phone, walk out of the room yelling “I’m fine, no really I’m FINE!!”, or wringing the newspaper in your partner’s face, pretending to be invested in your reading material.

The biggest reason to avoid these simple 4 things is because they have been shown to escalate tension in an argument. Anger is not the issue; it’s these 4 things that get couples in trouble.

How will these ground rules positively affect the outcome of the argument and the emotional health of the couple?

When couples abide by these ground rules while arguing, all the sudden arguments become more productive. Imagine that. You will actually come to solutions from your conflicts, at least ones that you can try out temporarily, and then reevaluate later if needed.

Do you and your partner avoid conflict?

All human relationships involve some amount of disagreement. It seems that part of being human is to put one’s ideas forward for feedback, and to offer opinion on one another’s ideas. And as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship will tell you, rarely do you always agree.

So how do you and your partner respond when you disagree? (more…)

How can gay couples learn to deal with alcohol and drug abuse?

Let me ask you a difficult question. What you do if you surprisingly found out that your partner had a drug or alcohol problem? Recently several couples have approached us in this very position.

One partner feels totally embarrassed, the other feels lied to.

They usually begin by asking the question, “Should we do couples counseling or does he (or she) need individual therapy?”

Thankfully there is exciting new research coming out about this very topic, conducted by the University of Rochester and Harvard Medical School. The study followed 100 gay and lesbian couples through alcohol treatment. Some did couples counseling, some did individual counseling. (more…)

Is it sometimes good for a couple to take some time off from one another, in order to let things calm down?

Yes, sometimes this can be the correct decision, if it’s done the right way. Let me tell you a little story.

Several years ago a couple came and visited us during one of our weekend workshops. At home they were having a lot of fighting, mainly stemming from parenting a teenager. The fights were intense, hurtful, and left both of them feeling flooded and emotionally overwhelmed.

(more…)

Keep Your Relationship Spark Alive –

Couples are always saying to one another, “Hey, we should have a date night - a night for just us, like when we started dating…”

But many couples never get around to actually implementing such an evening, often due to life being so chaotic. And in the midst of that chaos, couples often don’t have enough time to connect in a way that keeps their relationship strong.

That’s why the Gay Couples Institute is hosting Date Night for Gay and Lesbian Couples. Held at Pisco Latin Lounge in San Francisco, you can: (more…)