A Note From A Reader: “My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We both come from divorced hetro marriages. My problem is the lack of romance. His version of intimacy is “hey, I’ve got a hard on, you want to F#&K? For me that’s ok some of the time, but I want to be seduced and romanced. The sex that follows is amazing, yet he tells me he doesn’t know how???? Are you kidding me? after 14 years?? Please help me!”

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In our couples counseling clinic, the most common request is for conflict management skills. In this article you’ll find the four simplest ways to manage conflicts in a way that brings you closer together, rather than splits you apart.

1. Breathe. As silly as it sounds, breathing ends up being one of the smartest things you can do. Why? Because your nervous system is not always trying to help you. Sometimes when your partner is upset, your body instead thinks that your life is in danger, causing an overreaction. When you breathe, your brain gets the oxygen it needs in order to reset itself and see the situation as it really is.
2. Validate. This is not the same as “agree”. What quickly calms one’s partner down is to communicate that you’re following their logic, and that if you were in their shoes you might have a similar reaction. What we’ve found is that once this message is sincerely communicated (without a “but….” at the end), your partner no longer needs to fight for their point of view. You get it. In fact, you not only get it, but you can also see how they came to that conclusion. Now that they no longer have to fight for their point of view, they are now ready to listen to you. (more…)

The most frequent question we receive at our couples workshops and therapist trainings is, “What do you think about monogamy and same sex couples?”

I love this question, and the debate that is circulating right now about the entire topic. On July 3rd, 2011, the New York Times Magazine published a huge article on the topic. The fascinating article included discussion by Dan Savage, one of America’s leading human sexuality journalists, and his feelings on the issue. “Savage says a more flexible attitude within marriage may be just what the straight community needs. Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.”

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This workshop, presented by Salvatore Garanzini of The Gay Couples Institute, will be all about solid relationship tools that couples use to keep their relationship happy and healthy, even though they’re also parents or step-parents. We’ll show you how to keep your friendship alive, how to keep the relationship exciting, the importance of repair, and how to approach conflicts with their child/adolescent in ways that make the parenting system stronger. Oddly enough, all of these approaches end up teaching the child how to have a good relationship, themselves, when they become older.

Dinner and childcare provided, please RSVP!

Registration: Click here
When: Monday, August 1, 6-8pm
Where: SF LGBT Center, 1800 Market St., San Francisco

Breaks in trust come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Small breaks include those moments when you thought your partner would be there for you, but they let you down.

A simple example includes promising to pick something up from the store on the way home, but forgetting. If this has happened once, maybe you can easily forgive and move on. But what if it has happened ten times? Then we have a different story.

Larger breaks in trust are often big blows to the partnership itself. The classic example is a betrayal, as in an affair, where you feel like your partner compared you to someone else, and that other person was chosen over you. John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, recently found that when people feel betrayed they begin to ask themselves why they’re with their partner in the first place. “If he’s going to choose that guy over me, why should I even stay?” becomes the inner dialogue of the betrayed partner. This is obviously really detrimental to the partnership.

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Relationship intimacy works kind of like a ladder. You both start at the bottom, making low-cost bids for emotional intimacy.

These bids for intimacy include holding hands, touching, and sharing some softer feelings. If these bids are responded to well by your partner, you go up the ladder, toward higher-cost bids. These bids have more vulnerability attached to them, like expressions of love, commitment, bonding, and attachment.

Here’s 7 ways to increase your intimacy, and go up the ladder together:

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