Did you know that gay couples are kinder to one another when they argue or fight, when compared to straight couples? It’s true, and several recent research studies are all pointing in this direction.

This said, whether you’re gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with their partner.

What defines awful? When you figure out the answer to this question, you’ll know more clearly what to avoid. (more…)

There are four types of communication that escalate the tension when you’re talking with your partner.

They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. (created by John Gottman, PhD)

We’ve learned some interesting things about avoiding criticism recently, which I thought I’d post for you.

Criticism: What is it?

Criticism is using any kind of language that indicates blame. Typically, using the word ‘you’ is the culprit.

- “I can’t believe you didn’t record American Idol for me last night!”

- “You should have called ahead of time for reservations.”

But criticism can also just be touted as negativity, without actually saying the word ‘you’. The blame is alive and well, though. Take a look…

- “This is the third day in a row I had to clean the cat litter!” (If it’s normally your job to do the cat box, the ‘you’ is implied, but clearly heard by the listener.)

- “We should have called for reservations at this restaurant! I’m so pissed right now!” (This person is being defensive off the bat, but it’s clear he’s hunting for blame, and that person is ‘you’.)

So how do you stop criticism in it’s tracks?

Rule 1: Talk About What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want or Didn’t Get. This strategy takes all the negativity and complaining/blame off the table. “I really want the cat litter to be cleaned everyday, okay?” or “I was hoping we could have walked right into the restaurant and sat down at a table.” Notice that it’s still okay to be angry. You’re just avoiding criticism, by removing blame, which is the small component of anger that escalates the tension.

Rule 2: Talk About Yourself, Not About The Other Person. By staying inside your body, and inside your experience, you avoid any kind of attack. “I feel so tired right now, and I was really hoping that the household chores would be finished” or “I’ve been looking forward to eating at this restaurant all day and am now worried we won’t be able to find another good spot.” I’m staying inside my experience, not referencing my partner at all.

These are two simple things that we teach couples in our clinic, and in our workshops. Let us know if we can help.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm

Money is tight for everyone right now, and lately the Gay Couples Relationship Clinic in SF has seen an increase in couples coming in for help with financial problems. In response to this, we’re creating a free online web seminar showing gay couples how to deal with conflict stemming from financial worries. More on that later, though.

So how do couples get through this rough time? I think the most important thing couples do initially is recognize that you’re stressed out about your mortgage or the economy, and not necessarily about your partner. I saw one couple this week who prefaced any ranting about money with, “Look, I just need to vent for a minute, it’s not you I’m mad at.” Realizing he’s not the *target* of the rant, then his partner could listen empathetically, not trying to fix things right away.

Too often we try to jump in, giving our partner solutions to their problems, when what they really need is space to think things through aloud. The coming free web seminar will discuss how to incorporate this kind of “ranting session” into your everyday schedule. We’ll also show you some rules to put around the ranting so that no one gets blamed, or gets defensive.

If you’re interested in the free seminar about handling money disputes, just watch your email for registration….

Let us know how else the Gay Couples Institute can help your relationship.

Wishing you success,

Salvatore Garanzini, MFT

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Some gay couples never argue, whereas some couples argue a lot. Are some kinds of arguments considered worse than others? Check out this article I wrote about arguments in the Labor Day issue of SF Gloss Magazine and get some of your questions answered!

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf

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Many couples in gay relationships struggle with stopping arguments. But are arguments really something to be avoided?

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point.

Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with breakup, separation, or divorce. He found that all couples will, at some point during an argument:

• get defensive
• criticize one another
• get overwhelmed and walk away.

So should gay couples worry about these communication rough spots? Not really, BUT there is one pattern of communication you should avoid: contempt.

John Gottman defines contempt as basically talking down to your partner, like they’re a child who has done something wrong. Contempt has over a 90% correlation with separation/divorce.

So what does contempt look like?

(more…)

Sound familiar?

Does this happen at your house?

I hope not. It’s a predictor of divorce and breakup.

The typical situation: Your significant-other brings up something they want you to do.

• Take out the garbage.
• Clean the cat litter.
• Call your family.
• Wash the car.

In response to hearing this AGAIN, you pretend to do something else, putting up a conversational blockade. You’re hoping that the request will just disappear and go away, right?

John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, says that you’re actually trying to soothe yourself and calm down. Something about the request is overwhelming. Maybe you don’t like being told what to do. Maybe your dad used to nag you about the trash (Are you reading this, Dad?).

The problem is that your attempt to blockade the request will actually make your partner MORE mad. It is seen and felt as an act of aggression, be it a passive one. When researched, it’s also one thing that couples tend to do as their relationship is on the decline.

As a suggestion, rather than blocking out the request, turn to your partner and tell them that you’re overwhelmed by the request. Compromise on a time to deal with it later (then follow through and do it). I’ve seen this tactic help many couples in the past move beyond this ‘blockade behavior’.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team