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GCI Executive Director Salvatore Garanzini, MFT appeared on San Francisco Comcast’s TV show “Outspoken” talking about latest relationship research and our upcoming July 19, 2009 “Relation Renovation” couples workshop. Catch the replay of the program 5/26 Tuesday at 9PM, 5/27 Wednesday at 7PM, 5/29 Friday at 7:30PM, 5/30 Saturday at 6:00PM, and 5/31 Sunday at 7:00PM on ComcastSF “The City Station”, cable channel 11 in San Francisco.
http://www.outspokensf.com/schedule
At 5pm (PST) Tuesday June 2nd join Salvatore with all your relationship questions on “The Radio Boiz”, a worldwide internet LGBT radio station. Hosted out of St. Petersburg, Florida, you can listen to the replay now below:
Enjoy the replay of the show. We talked about how to respond when your partner tells you that you’re too “needy”, how to deal with issues around your partner’s ex, and much more!
We’ve been reviewing Shirley Glass’ great book on affair recovery, “Not Just Friends”. Here’s some good things to think about, when you consider getting over it.
GETTING OVER IT.
- Get rid of all memento’s and reminders
- Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
- Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
- Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks. The unfaithful one - do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
- The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario.
- Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact.
- No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
- Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
- Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events.
- Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
- Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.
Much of this can be accomplished with a couples therapist, trained in this method. Contact us at 877-424-1221 if you’d like some direction, or schedule an appointment HERE.
One of the best books out there on infidelity is “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s written toward heterosexual couples, but many of the same premises apply. A big part of our work at the Gay Couples Institute is helping couples successfully recover from affairs and other breaks in trust.
Some good things to keep in mind, from Shirley Glass’ book:
- Only 10% will marry their affair partner. The chances you’ll have a long, successful relationship with your affair partner are 1% or 2%.
- Women are more likely to abandon the primary relationship after only one liaison with an affair partner. Men need a serious relationship with the affair partner before divorcing the primary partner.
- Women are more likely to have affairs with someone familiar: Old flames, friends, or neighbors.
- Most affairs are happening at work.
- As many women are having affairs as men.
- Online chatting is a real problem: It creates a real or imagined emotional connection with the affair partner.
- 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved. Only 3% of women said the same.
- No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel. National Geographic reports that the secrecy and newness of the affair relationship create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feel like love.
- Actually, there is little reality to the affair because both partners are not in their normal environments. They end up hiding more realistic parts of themselves as they work to hide the affair itself.
- The most predictive emotional cue is not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner anymore.
The good news: Most couples will successfully recover from the affair! Many couples are able to spring off of the affair in order to bring the relationship even closer. Next time I’ll explain more about how this is accomplished.
Let’s face it, the current economic crisis can be stressful for any couple, and for same-sex couples, who aren’t offered the same financial protections that straight, married couples benefit from, it can be even more so. That’s one of the reasons that the Gay Couples Institute and Johnny Huang, financial representative from Northwestern Mutual, are teaming up to offer a free workshop for gay couples, “Recession-Proof Your Relationship.”
Talking about and negotiating money issues can be difficult, and in truth many couples try to avoid it, but according to Salvatore Garanzini of the Gay Couples Institute, “Couples who successfully discuss money issues and create a financial plan together end up staying together longer.” Therapists call this creating “shared meaning”, and having more shared meaning helps couples put day-to-day conflicts in perspective and help them deescalate conflict easier.
During the workshop, Salvatore will discuss why and how to have successful financial discussions with your partner. Johnny Huang from Northwestern Mutual will be discussing what couples should learn from the financial crisis and specific actions gay and lesbian couples can take to protect and enhance their financial future.
The workshop will be offered on April 20, at 7:00pm. Seating is limited, so please call in advance at 877.424.1221 to reserve your space or if you have any questions.
Did you know that couples are fighting less than they were 20 years ago?
Seems like a positive statistic, right?
Did you know that couples are spending 28% less time together shopping, hanging out at home, or pursuing projects or recreational activities together?
Now it starts to make sense. People aren’t spending as much time together, so it follows that they have less time to argue or fight.
We call this “Turning Away”. Couples are constantly bidding for each others’ attention (”Hey, want to go for a walk later?”), but they’re not Turning Toward their partner’s bid. They’re Turning Away (”What did you say?,” pretending not to hear the request/bid.)
Amazingly, we’ve found that Turns Away teach your partner to stop bidding at all. They stop asking to do things with you. And then the loneliness develops, and you can begin to develop separate, but parallel lives.
The good news is that much of this is reversible. Turning Toward leads to more Turning Toward. Many couples make a commitment to Turn Toward each others’ bids at least once a day, which can quickly end the loneliness spiral. Let us know if we can help you with this.
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On Tuesday, February 17th, at 7pm, The Gay Couples Institute will be offering a free one hour workshop at it’s downtown San Francisco offices, designed to help both those who already have a great relationship and want to keep it on track, and those who want to rebuild a relationship that is having trouble. Participants will also get a brief introduction to the other services the clinic offers and have an opportunity to sign up for its free newsletter, counseling services or longer, more intensive, weekend workshops.
If you would like to attend the free workshop or are interested in the other services the institute offers contact The Gay Couples Institute at 877.424.1221
One researcher at Marquette University just completed a longitudinal study of behavior within romantic relationships. One hundred thirty-seven non-married couples (46 male-male, 46 female-female, and 45 male-female) involved in relationships six months or less participated.
Not surprisingly, relationship satisfaction was related to the total reported relationship benefits, and having more positive relationship aspects than negative aspects. So basically, if you can identify more plusses than minuses in your relationship, you’re probably fairly satisfied.
Interestingly, though, relationship satisfaction was related to the partner’s use of substances (drugs/alcohol). If your partner doesn’t abuse substances, your relationship might become more satisfying.
Sexual satisfaction was related to differences between themselves and their partner being complementary, thinking of their significant others as a potential long-term partner, communication problems, and partner substance use.
On our home page (http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/), we have a quiz if you would like to measure your relationship satisfaction. You can schedule a phone appointment to receive your results, which are usually quite amazing. Top score is 151.
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Two quick questions:
- What are your top two relationship desires?
- Do you have any suggestions about topics we should cover in coming workshops or seminars?
We’ve been asking gay couples these questions for months now; below are many of the responses. Post your answers in the comments below. We read your suggestions to come up with new methods to help couples keep their relationship strong. Thanks!
50 Comments Received So Far… »
Money is tight for everyone right now, and lately the Gay Couples Relationship Clinic in SF has seen an increase in couples coming in for help with financial problems. In response to this, we’re creating a free online web seminar showing gay couples how to deal with conflict stemming from financial worries. More on that later, though.
So how do couples get through this rough time? I think the most important thing couples do initially is recognize that you’re stressed out about your mortgage or the economy, and not necessarily about your partner. I saw one couple this week who prefaced any ranting about money with, “Look, I just need to vent for a minute, it’s not you I’m mad at.” Realizing he’s not the *target* of the rant, then his partner could listen empathetically, not trying to fix things right away.
Too often we try to jump in, giving our partner solutions to their problems, when what they really need is space to think things through aloud. The coming free web seminar will discuss how to incorporate this kind of “ranting session” into your everyday schedule. We’ll also show you some rules to put around the ranting so that no one gets blamed, or gets defensive.
If you’re interested in the free seminar about handling money disputes, just watch your email for registration….
Let us know how else the Gay Couples Institute can help your relationship.
Wishing you success,
Salvatore Garanzini, MFT
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Some gay couples never argue, whereas some couples argue a lot. Are some kinds of arguments considered worse than others? Check out this article I wrote about arguments in the Labor Day issue of SF Gloss Magazine and get some of your questions answered!
http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf
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