Some gay couples never argue, whereas some couples argue a lot. Are some kinds of arguments considered worse than others? Check out this article I wrote about arguments in the Labor Day issue of SF Gloss Magazine and get some of your questions answered!

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf

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Obviously when you marry you never think you might be sitting in a divorce attorney’s office dividing your assets. Who would want to think such things?

But it can happen. So now that gay couples can marry in some states, how can gay couples take on the responsibility of trying to stay together?

I found a few good gay pre-marital suggestions from hunting around through the research.

1. Ideally, get married after about 2 years of courtship. The ideal courtship length seems to be about 2 years and 4 months, to be exact.
2. Marry after age 25.
3. Talk about the big issues before marrying. How many kids does he want? How does she handle money? Are you sexually compatible? Couples tend to have one of these 6 common problems to deal with throughout their marriage:
   • Money
   • Sex
   • Parenting
   • Getting along with In-Laws
   • Tidiness/Chores
   • Use of Personal Free Time
4. Do stuff together, but also enjoy spending time at home together. One of the important things we look at when evaluating a couple’s relationship is whether, if given the option, they like spending time at home together, or if they’d rather be on the go. A preference of being on the go can be an indication that they’re avoiding being trapped together at home.
5. Have issues? Get help. A recent New York Times Article talked about how couples tend to get the most out of doing a couples workshop, rather than going to just therapy by itself. Workshops can serve as a good relationship “checkup”. If you’re interested, take a look at one of our coming gay couples workshops HERE.

For those of you who are getting married, we wish you a long-lasting, happy marriage. Congratulations!

What would you like to see covered in our fall workshops?

- We’re putting them together now, to be held on September 14th, October 19th, and November 16th in San Francisco, CA.

We’d like your topic suggestions now. Here’s some suggestions I’ve received over the months. You have any others?

Just make a comment now! Thanks!

- Salvatore

25 Comments »

1. Coming out to your parents and introducing your new boyfriend. How do you do this?Comment by Not out yet — April 7, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
2. Is it cheating when your boyfriend flirts and chats with other guys online? How do I make that work with him?Comment by AG — April 9, 2008 @ 10:56 am
3. How do I stop judging my boyfriend and appreciate him?
   How do I deal w my attraction to other people?   

   Comment by anon — April 16, 2008 @ 12:08 pm

4. 1. How can I promote better communication with my partner?2. How can we nip conflicts in the bud? How can we prevent getting to the place where we lose control and possibly say things that we would later regret?Comment by Anonymous — April 19, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
5. Sharing finances when you make considerably more than your boyfriend.Comment by Vic — April 22, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
6. I hate my girlfriend’s ex but love my girl, how can I get her to get out of our life without getting my girl upset?Comment by Georgia — April 29, 2008 @ 7:07 pm
7. With more and more people meeting online through the multiple websites out there, are we not socializing in ‘real time’ anymore? I would like to ask an expert how technology impacts our current and future social behavior.Comment by ST — April 30, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
8. Sexual exploration: What the bleep?! My girlfriend just told me she is into kink.Comment by Surprised! — May 1, 2008 @ 9:18 am
9. What to do when the sex part of your relationship does not satisfy you at all.Things you’re used to do sexually, you’re limited with your present bf because his sex drive is not the same as yours?How to experiment with opening the relationship.Comment by jj133 — May 2, 2008 @ 9:18 am
10. I’m walking into a relationship where my girlfriend already has kids. I’m not sure how this is all going to work. How do you make it work?Comment by Elle — May 4, 2008 @ 9:11 am
11. Managing long distance relationshipsComment by tty — May 5, 2008 @ 8:12 am
12. I would like to know how risky it is to be dating someone who just got out of a long-term relationship. Am I his rebound? What do I do to make sure we do the work upfront to make it last?Comment by Franklin — May 9, 2008 @ 7:09 am
13. How do you make sure both people are on the same page when you decide to open the relationship? Do they even work? How do you set boundaries? Is it basically “cheating”?Comment by Anonymous — May 10, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
14. How do you navigate through the challenges of dating someone who is HIV+ when you are HIV-?Comment by Dave — May 13, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
15. Overcoming your partner’s cheating … can we still stay together?Comment by Tony — May 16, 2008 @ 1:35 pm
16. What’s the best way to confront your partner with a suspicion of cheating?Comment by Kyle — May 20, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
17. what tips can you give me on how to make time for your boyfriends friends. i’m committed for the long haul, but i don’t want to be seen as the guy who stole his boyfriend away from all his friends.Comment by SD — May 20, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
18. Suggestions 2, 3, and 4 are my favorites — especially resolving conflicts before geting to the ‘explosion’ part.I also catch myself judging him, then judging myself for judging him. How do I get past judging either of us? And how do I distinguish negative judgements from reasonable assessments?Comment by WantItToWork — May 21, 2008 @ 12:47 am
19. -How to talk about money when we do not share finances yet there is an inbalance in income-Addressing issues of open relationship versus monogamy. Safe sex in HIV-/HIV+ relationshipComment by In NY — May 21, 2008 @ 6:55 am
20. My boyfriend has kids from a previous marriage, and is unsure as to whether he wants to have more with me. How have other couples worked through such an issue?Comment by TryingHard — May 22, 2008 @ 8:00 am
21. My longtime partner and I want to stay together but are struggling. He refuses to be faithful to me because he has ‘fallen in love’ with a second man in addition to me and their relationship is also sexual. That alone nearly pushed me to suicide in recent months but I am somewhat less despairing now. Meanwhile, I am faithful to him and am waiting for him to end the other relationship, which he says often is right about to end. Also, I am the sole breadwinner but he manages our household finances and is now hiding from me virtually every detail of them — in part, I suspect, because he might be lavishing money from my paycheck on his boyfriend. Am I a fool to try to salvage this relationship and hope my partner might become again the man I committed my life to? Should I be patient and let him get this all out of his system so he can move forward in his life in a positive way?Comment by Anonymous — May 27, 2008 @ 11:11 am
22. I’ve personally known a few couples with open relationships that seemed to be some of the most loving and caring relationships around. Is it just me, or do open relationships occur more frequently with men? If so, any ideas why? If an individual in a couple does not feel comfortable with opening their relationship, does this reflect insecurities, issues of control, or could they just be old-fashioned?Comment by Sarah — May 28, 2008 @ 6:51 am
23. My partner and I just ended our eight-year relationship. I’ve been in other relationships that ended after 1-2 years, and this break-up has me reeling. Most break-up columns and advice seem to be directed toward shorter-term relationships. Is there really a difference in a break-up after a couple of years and a break-up after almost a decade?Comment by Matthew — June 10, 2008 @ 3:01 pm
24. I’m 63 years old. My partner is 74 years old. We’ve been together for eight months and our relationship is loving, exciting, and sexually amazing. We’ve both been out for over 30 years. We find it aggravating that very little attention is given to the relationships of Lesbians of our age unless the couple has been together for eons. We’d like to see any topic relating to older women newly in love. P.S. Some of us still look hot in a bikini!Comment by admin — June 27, 2008 @ 6:29 am
25. My suggestion: sexual addiction, addiction to porn, using the internet effectively to find men to date, being real/open/honest on internet chat sites, public displays of affection, being an out couple at work, dealing with homophobic or unsupportive familyComment by admin — July 3, 2008 @ 6:30 am

Do same sex couples tend to get along better? I’ll be on radio KSVY 91.3 in Sonoma talking about this at 2pm PST. I plan on reviewing the below two excellent studies.

Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Many couples in gay relationships struggle with stopping arguments. But are arguments really something to be avoided?

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point.

Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with breakup, separation, or divorce. He found that all couples will, at some point during an argument:

• get defensive
• criticize one another
• get overwhelmed and walk away.

So should gay couples worry about these communication rough spots? Not really, BUT there is one pattern of communication you should avoid: contempt.

John Gottman defines contempt as basically talking down to your partner, like they’re a child who has done something wrong. Contempt has over a 90% correlation with separation/divorce.

So what does contempt look like?

(more…)

Do open relationships really work? Let’s find out.

Here’s the information you need to register for the web seminar series on open relationships.

The seminars are being held:
- Tuesday, June 24th, 12:30pm, (PST) Topic: Communication Skillbuilding - Part 1
- Wednesday, June 25th, 12:30pm, (PST). Topic: Is This Right For Me?
- Thursday, June 26th, 12:30pm, (PST). Topic: Communication Skillbuilding - Part 2
(if you can’t attend, as long as you’ve registered, you’ll get the downloadable audio file)

Only 15 total spaces are available so that everyone has a chance to ask questions of the expert. The Priority List nabbed all the spots, but I’ve received the ok for 6 more.

Watch this video for all the details now!

In 2000, Vermont was the first state to legalize same-sex relationships, so that heterosexual and same-sex couples had the same legal rights. Published in February in Developmental Psychology was the first longitudinal study completed to examine same-sex couples in civil unions.

Researchers had 65 male and 138 female couples participate in the follow up study. Where do you think they are now? Are they still together? (more…)

Gay open relationships are a really difficult topic for many couples. Clearly, an open relationship is right for some couples, and not right for others. Given so much pain caused by this topic (see below) we’re putting together a web seminar series for you.

In preparation for our seminar series on this topic, we conducted a survey of your major concerns. Here’s what you told us:

1. Is this right for me?…

• “My top fear is that my boyfriend wants to have an open relationship and I don’t want this. I’m trying to be “relaxed” but any time I think about him with another I feel just terrible.”

2. How do you maintain emotional monogamy:

• Is the key to open relationships to hold onto a sense of emotional monogamy with your committed partner and allowing the additional partners to be respectful playmates?
• Can one remain emotionally faithful to your partner while sleeping with other people?

3. How do you establish rules around this issue?…

• “Rules about what is/is not off limits (no friends, no repeats, no ex’s?)”
• “What are the alternatives to an open relationship? Is it the only alternative to sexual boredom that’s out there and if not what else is on the menu?”
• “Is it a “natural” progression for gay relationships?”
• “How can you “close” your open relationship if it turns out that this arrangement doesn’t work for you”

Do you have any opinions on this issue? Give us a comment below if so.

Dear Reader,

We’ve received over 44 emails with suggestions for the Ask The Expert Series coming to our Web Seminar workshops schedule.

I’m going to start the Expert series June 3rd, with sign up registration beginning between Monday, May 26th and Thursday, May 29th.

POST MORE OF YOUR IDEAS BELOW! Your suggestions so far have been great.

As many know, today California repealed the ban on same sex marriage. Couples started filing into the city clerk’s office in San Francisco just 20 minutes after the 4 to 3 decision was released.

Julie Scearce, 45, and Paula Bocciardi, 52, of the West Portal neighborhood in SF, were the first couple to line up. Way to go.

The Clerk’s office said that they must wait 30 days for the decision to actually go into effect before marrying people, but they’re putting all the couples on a list. Wanna have a summer wedding? Now’s your chance.

It’s worth noting the findings of a study done on same sex couples who received civil unions in Vermont in 2000.

It found:

• Same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have separated.
• Same-sex couples (both unionized and not) reported lower levels of conflict, and greater levels of compatibility, intimacy and relationship quality than heterosexual couples.

Basically, as is the case for heterosexual couples, if you’re married you’re more likely to work through the hard times and not separate. Same sex couples also seem to work harder at keeping their relationship happy and healthy. Would you agree?

Congratulations to all the happy couples getting on the list at City Hall!