http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog Research Blog Wed, 04 Aug 2010 22:13:32 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage in California, was just overturned. Many people have been asking us whether marriage really helps gay/lesbian relationships last long term. Marriage does help same sex relationships. Here's two important pieces of evidence: An important article in the Journal of Developmental Psychology in 2003 followed up with Vermont-based ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/08/04/heres-why-marriage-is-good-for-same-sex-couples/ Why is it so important to have mutually agreed upon ground rules when it comes to disagreements between couples? - 35 years of research by John Gottman, PhD, the country's leading relationship researcher, shows one big thing: Problems/Arguments do not end relationships, TENSION does. In order to fight fair, you have ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/07/19/can-couples-really-fight-fair/ Do you and your partner avoid conflict? All human relationships involve some amount of disagreement. It seems that part of being human is to put one's ideas forward for feedback, and to offer opinion on one another's ideas. And as anyone who's ever been in a relationship will tell you, rarely ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/06/01/do-you-avoid-conflict/ How can gay couples learn to deal with alcohol and drug abuse? Let me ask you a difficult question. What you do if you surprisingly found out that your partner had a drug or alcohol problem? Recently several couples have approached us in this very position. One partner feels totally embarrassed, the other feels ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/05/10/can-gay-couples-recover-from-addictions/ Is it sometimes good for a couple to take some time off from one another, in order to let things calm down? Yes, sometimes this can be the correct decision, if it's done the right way. Let me tell you a little story. Several years ago a couple came and visited us ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/04/10/do-trial-separations-work/ Keep Your Relationship Spark Alive – Couples are always saying to one another, "Hey, we should have a date night - a night for just us, like when we started dating..." But many couples never get around to actually implementing such an evening, often due to life being so chaotic. And in the ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/03/15/date-night-for-gay-lesbian-couples-in-san-francisco/ Did you know that gay couples are kinder to one another when they argue or fight, when compared to straight couples? It's true, and several recent research studies are all pointing in this direction. This said, whether you're gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2010/02/02/those-really-bad-fights/ "Whose house do we go to this year?" "I don't get along with my in-laws!" "Your parents aren't accepting of our family." "Do we honor our chosen family or birth family?" This workshop will offer discussion, strategies and tips for navigating the holidays. Join Alapaki Yee, cofounder of GCI, ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/11/17/free-workshop-on-gay-couples-making-it-through-the-holidays/ Have you ever forgotten your partner's birthday? Most people would probably say 'no'. But can you answer yes to all of these questions about your partner? [poll id="11"] How did you do? This fun quiz is part of the assessment we give couples at our workshops and clinic. It shows how ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/10/26/forgetting-about-your-partner/ There are four types of communication that escalate the tension when you're talking with your partner. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. (created by John Gottman, PhD) We've learned some interesting things about avoiding criticism recently, which I thought I'd post for you. Criticism: What is it? Criticism is using any kind ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/08/02/stop-criticizing-me/ GCI Executive Director Salvatore Garanzini, MFT appeared on San Francisco Comcast's TV show "Outspoken" talking about latest relationship research and our upcoming July 19, 2009 "Relation Renovation" couples workshop. Catch the replay of the program 5/26 Tuesday at 9PM, 5/27 Wednesday at 7PM, 5/29 Friday at 7:30PM, 5/30 Saturday at 6:00PM, ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/05/26/relationship-advice-on-internet-radio-call-in-show-tues-62-5pm/ We've been reviewing Shirley Glass' great book on affair recovery, "Not Just Friends". Here's some good things to think about, when you consider getting over it. GETTING OVER IT.   Get rid of all memento’s  and reminders Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters Answer all unanswered questions- complete ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/05/13/infidelity-how-to-get-over-it-part-2/ One of the best books out there on infidelity is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's written toward heterosexual couples, but many of the same premises apply. A big part of our work at the Gay Couples Institute is helping couples successfully recover from affairs and other breaks in ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/04/24/infidelity-how-to-get-over-it-part-1/ Let’s face it, the current economic crisis can be stressful for any couple, and for same-sex couples, who aren’t offered the same financial protections that straight, married couples benefit from, it can be even more so.  That’s one of the reasons that the Gay Couples Institute and Johnny Huang, financial ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/04/06/free-workshop-mon-april-20-recession-proof-your-relationship/ Did you know that couples are fighting less than they were 20 years ago? Seems like a positive statistic, right?  Did you know that couples are spending 28% less time together shopping, hanging out at home, or pursuing projects or recreational activities together?  Now it starts to make sense. People aren't spending as ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/03/14/lonely-even-though-youre-in-a-relationship/ On Tuesday, February 17th, at 7pm, The Gay Couples Institute will be offering a free one hour workshop at it’s downtown San Francisco offices, designed to help both those who already have a great relationship and want to keep it on track, and those who want to rebuild a relationship ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/02/10/counselors-to-offer-free-help-to-gay-couples/ One researcher at Marquette University just completed a longitudinal study of behavior within romantic relationships. One hundred thirty-seven non-married couples (46 male-male, 46 female-female, and 45 male-female) involved in relationships six months or less participated. Not surprisingly, relationship satisfaction was related to the total reported relationship benefits, and having more positive relationship aspects than negative ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2009/01/28/exactly-what-is-a-satisfying-relationship/ Two quick questions: What are your top two relationship desires?  Do you have any suggestions about topics we should cover in coming workshops or seminars?  We've been asking gay couples these questions for months now; below are many of the responses. Post your answers in the comments below. We read your suggestions to ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/10/31/your-top-relationship-concerns/ Money is tight for everyone right now, and lately the Gay Couples Relationship Clinic in SF has seen an increase in couples coming in for help with financial problems. In response to this, we're creating a free online web seminar showing gay couples how to deal with conflict stemming from ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/10/08/when-disputes-over-finances-threaten-your-relationship/ Some gay couples never argue, whereas some couples argue a lot. Are some kinds of arguments considered worse than others? Check out this article I wrote about arguments in the Labor Day issue of SF Gloss Magazine and get some of your questions answered! http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf [poll id="3"] http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/08/29/are-all-arguments-created-equal/ Obviously when you marry you never think you might be sitting in a divorce attorney's office dividing your assets. Who would want to think such things? But it can happen. So now that gay couples can marry in some states, how can gay couples take on the responsibility of trying to ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/08/08/gay-marriage-gay-divorce-how-to-reduce-the-risk-youll-divorce/ Do same sex couples tend to get along better? I'll be on radio KSVY 91.3 in Sonoma talking about this at 2pm PST. I plan on reviewing the below two excellent studies. Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women's Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/07/11/what-is-the-effect-of-discrimination-on-same-sex-couples-were-on-radio-show-at-2p-ksvy-913-today/ Many couples in gay relationships struggle with stopping arguments. But are arguments really something to be avoided? The country's leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point. Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/06/28/gay-relationships-how-to-stop-arguing-part-1/ In 2000, Vermont was the first state to legalize same-sex relationships, so that heterosexual and same-sex couples had the same legal rights. Published in February in Developmental Psychology was the first longitudinal study completed to examine same-sex couples in civil unions. Researchers had 65 male and 138 female couples participate in ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/06/05/three-year-follow-up-where-are-the-vermont-same-sex-married-couples-now/ Gay open relationships are a really difficult topic for many couples. Clearly, an open relationship is right for some couples, and not right for others. Given so much pain caused by this topic (see below) we're putting together a web seminar series for you. In preparation for our seminar series on ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/06/01/feedback-your-concerns-about-open-relationships/ As many know, today California repealed the ban on same sex marriage. Couples started filing into the city clerk's office in San Francisco just 20 minutes after the 4 to 3 decision was released. Julie Scearce, 45, and Paula Bocciardi, 52, of the West Portal neighborhood in SF, were the first ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/05/15/wanna-have-a-summer-wedding-the-line-is-forming-now-at-city-hall/ Sound familiar? Does this happen at your house? I hope not. It's a predictor of divorce and breakup. The typical situation: Your significant-other brings up something they want you to do. Take out the garbage. Clean the cat litter. Call your family. Wash the car. In response to hearing this AGAIN, you pretend to do something else, putting ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/05/05/if-i-pretend-to-read-this-magazine-hell-stop-nagging-me/ Wow. In the first study of it's kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships. More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30! Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/04/29/gay-and-lesbian-youth-want-long-term-monogamous-relationships/ Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women's Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:   Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married. Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/04/25/same-sex-couples-tend-to-get-along-better/ Couples often ask, "After we've had a big argument is it ok to go to bed angry?" What do you think? Leave us a comment below. Our answer? Sure, go to bed angry. Arguments are a re-calibration of some issue in the relationship. You two are trying to fix something and come to ... http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/2008/04/20/its-ok-go-to-bed-angry/