1. What are your top two relationship desires? 
2. Do you have any suggestions about topics we should cover in coming workshops or seminars? 

We’ve been asking gay couples these questions for months now; below are many of the responses. Post your answers in the comments below. We read your suggestions to come up with new methods to help couples keep their relationship strong. Thanks!

We’ve been taking all of the:
- facts and information we’ve learned over the last 3 years about what makes successful gay couples work…
- all of the research,
- all of the lessons we’ve learned first hand from years of gay couple counseling, and…
- the relationship teachings from the most reputed relationship expert in the world, John Gottman…

And we wanted to put it together in one place so that you could have access everything that makes relationships work long-term.

As you can read on our blog, couples are in a lot of pain. They’re frustrated mainly about lack of communication, mistrust, and recurring arguments.

So we want to help couples get out of this pain, and we’d like you to tell us the ideal format you’d like to receive this information.

Thanks for voting on our poll. If you’d like to see the results, and get the first opportunity to get your hands on the project we’re putting together, just enter your email here:
http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/video.htm

So how do couples get through this rough time? I think the most important thing couples do initially is recognize that you’re stressed out about your mortgage or the economy, and not necessarily about your partner. I saw one couple this week who prefaced any ranting about money with, “Look, I just need to vent for a minute, it’s not you I’m mad at.” Realizing he’s not the *target* of the rant, then his partner could listen empathetically, not trying to fix things right away.

Too often we try to jump in, giving our partner solutions to their problems, when what they really need is space to think things through aloud. The coming free web seminar will discuss how to incorporate this kind of “ranting session” into your everyday schedule. We’ll also show you some rules to put around the ranting so that no one gets blamed, or gets defensive.

If you’re interested in the free seminar about handling money disputes, just watch your email for registration….

Let us know how else the Gay Couples Institute can help your relationship.

Wishing you success,

Salvatore Garanzini, MFT
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf

But it can happen. So now that gay couples can marry in some states, how can gay couples take on the responsibility of trying to stay together?

I found a few good gay pre-marital suggestions from hunting around through the research.

1. Ideally, get married after about 2 years of courtship. The ideal courtship length seems to be about 2 years and 4 months, to be exact.
2. Marry after age 25.
3. Talk about the big issues before marrying. How many kids does he want? How does she handle money? Are you sexually compatible? Couples tend to have one of these 6 common problems to deal with throughout their marriage:
   • Money
   • Sex
   • Parenting
   • Getting along with In-Laws
   • Tidiness/Chores
   • Use of Personal Free Time
4. Do stuff together, but also enjoy spending time at home together. One of the important things we look at when evaluating a couple’s relationship is whether, if given the option, they like spending time at home together, or if they’d rather be on the go. A preference of being on the go can be an indication that they’re avoiding being trapped together at home.
5. Have issues? Get help. A recent New York Times Article talked about how couples tend to get the most out of doing a couples workshop, rather than going to just therapy by itself. Workshops can serve as a good relationship “checkup”. If you’re interested, take a look at one of our coming gay couples workshops HERE.

For those of you who are getting married, we wish you a long-lasting, happy marriage. Congratulations!

Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point.

Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with breakup, separation, or divorce. He found that all couples will, at some point during an argument:

• get defensive
• criticize one another
• get overwhelmed and walk away.

So should gay couples worry about these communication rough spots? Not really, BUT there is one pattern of communication you should avoid: contempt.

John Gottman defines contempt as basically talking down to your partner, like they’re a child who has done something wrong. Contempt has over a 90% correlation with separation/divorce.

So what does contempt look like?

Criticism: “I can’t believe you dented the car again.”

Contempt: <In a condescending tone> “You dented the car again? You mind telling me what the hell is wrong with you?“

You can see in the second example, there’s an air of judgement, like you’re talking down to someone who’s less-than yourself. This pattern is TOXIC to relationships. If you’re seeing this pattern, then some repair needs to happen in your relationship, gay or straight. It’s often best, initially, to bite your tongue if you think you’re going to say something contemptuous. Give yourself 20 minutes to calm down, then try approaching the issue more objectively. There are a few other strategies which work well, which we can cover in future blog articles and web seminars.

Wishing you success,

- Gay Couples Institute

Here’s the information you need to register for the web seminar series on open relationships.

The seminars are being held:
- Tuesday, June 24th, 12:30pm, (PST) Topic: Communication Skillbuilding - Part 1
- Wednesday, June 25th, 12:30pm, (PST). Topic: Is This Right For Me?
- Thursday, June 26th, 12:30pm, (PST). Topic: Communication Skillbuilding - Part 2
(if you can’t attend, as long as you’ve registered, you’ll get the downloadable audio file)

Only 15 total spaces are available so that everyone has a chance to ask questions of the expert. The Priority List nabbed all the spots, but I’ve received the ok for 6 more.

Watch this video for all the details now!

Researchers had 65 male and 138 female couples participate in the follow up study. Where do you think they are now? Are they still together?

They were compared with 23 male and 61 female same-sex couples not civil unionized, as well as being compared to 55 heterosexual couples.Of the 65 male and 138 female couples available to participate in the study:

1. Same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have separated.
2. Same-sex couples (both unionized and not) reported lower levels of conflict, and greater levels of compatibility, intimacy and relationship quality than heterosexual couples.
3. Having less conflict, as well as greater levels of outness, correlated with relationship happiness for male couples at the 3yr follow up.
4. Having less conflict and having more frequent sex correlated with relationship happiness for female couples at the 3yr follow up.

So what could this mean?

• A formal commitment, recognized by the state, apparently helps same-sex couples stay together (at least at 3yr follow up).
• Working on your relationship helps; Improving your compatibility and working to decrease conflict with your partner increases the quality of your relationship. The Gay Couples Institute believes that couples therapy using the Gottman Method is probably the smartest vehicle to decrease conflict and improve intimacy.
• Being out significantly helps male couples. Talk about the pros/cons of this with your partner.
• Having frequent sex significantly helps female couples. Ladies, keep your sex life in good shape.

This educational information is not a tool for self-diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Each persons’ situation is unique. GCI suggests that you personally consult a trusted professional prior to making changes in your relationship using this article or other advice. The Gay Couples Institute is committed to your success and is here for you.

Sincerely,

The Gay Couples Institute Research Team

www.GayCouplesInstitute.org

Three-year follow-up of same-sex couples who had civil unions in Vermont, same-sex couples not in civil unions, and heterosexual married couples. Balsam, Kimberly F.; Beauchaine, Theodore P.; Rothblum, Esther D.; Developmental Psychology, Vol 44(1), Jan 2008. pp. 102-116.

Gay open relationships are a really difficult topic for many couples. Clearly, an open relationship is right for some couples, and not right for others. Given so much pain caused by this topic (see below) we’re putting together a web seminar series for you.

In preparation for our seminar series on this topic, we conducted a survey of your major concerns. Here’s what you told us:

1. Is this right for me?…

• “My top fear is that my boyfriend wants to have an open relationship and I don’t want this. I’m trying to be “relaxed” but any time I think about him with another I feel just terrible.”

2. How do you maintain emotional monogamy:

• Is the key to open relationships to hold onto a sense of emotional monogamy with your committed partner and allowing the additional partners to be respectful playmates?
• Can one remain emotionally faithful to your partner while sleeping with other people?

3. How do you establish rules around this issue?…

• “Rules about what is/is not off limits (no friends, no repeats, no ex’s?)”
• “What are the alternatives to an open relationship? Is it the only alternative to sexual boredom that’s out there and if not what else is on the menu?”
• “Is it a “natural” progression for gay relationships?”
• “How can you “close” your open relationship if it turns out that this arrangement doesn’t work for you”

Do you have any opinions on this issue? Give us a comment below if so.

We’ve received over 44 emails with suggestions for the Ask The Expert Series coming to our Web Seminar workshops schedule.

I’m going to start the Expert series June 3rd, with sign up registration beginning between Monday, May 26th and Thursday, May 29th.

POST MORE OF YOUR IDEAS BELOW! Your suggestions so far have been great.

Julie Scearce, 45, and Paula Bocciardi, 52, of the West Portal neighborhood in SF, were the first couple to line up. Way to go.

The Clerk’s office said that they must wait 30 days for the decision to actually go into effect before marrying people, but they’re putting all the couples on a list. Wanna have a summer wedding? Now’s your chance.

It’s worth noting the findings of a study done on same sex couples who received civil unions in Vermont in 2000.

It found:

• Same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have separated.
• Same-sex couples (both unionized and not) reported lower levels of conflict, and greater levels of compatibility, intimacy and relationship quality than heterosexual couples.

Basically, as is the case for heterosexual couples, if you’re married you’re more likely to work through the hard times and not separate. Same sex couples also seem to work harder at keeping their relationship happy and healthy. Would you agree?

Congratulations to all the happy couples getting on the list at City Hall!

Does this happen at your house?

I hope not. It’s a predictor of divorce and breakup.

The typical situation: Your significant-other brings up something they want you to do.

• Take out the garbage.
• Clean the cat litter.
• Call your family.
• Wash the car.

In response to hearing this AGAIN, you pretend to do something else, putting up a conversational blockade. You’re hoping that the request will just disappear and go away, right?

John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, says that you’re actually trying to soothe yourself and calm down. Something about the request is overwhelming. Maybe you don’t like being told what to do. Maybe your dad used to nag you about the trash (Are you reading this, Dad?).

The problem is that your attempt to blockade the request will actually make your partner MORE mad. It is seen and felt as an act of aggression, be it a passive one. When researched, it’s also one thing that couples tend to do as their relationship is on the decline.

As a suggestion, rather than blocking out the request, turn to your partner and tell them that you’re overwhelmed by the request. Compromise on a time to deal with it later (then follow through and do it). I’ve seen this tactic help many couples in the past move beyond this ‘blockade behavior’.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

In the first study of it’s kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships.

More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30!

Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New York City, which has a high gay and lesbian population.

This finding is in line with an article from 2006 posted on this blog where University of Windsor, Ontario, researchers found that young gay men in Toronto also championed monogamous relationship views.

In a recent email from the author, Dr. Barry Adam,

• Monogamy, as a firmly held principle for organizing relationships, appears to be more common among men in early stages of relationship development, younger men who refer to heterosexual models, and men whose formative years were passed in cultures with no, or limited, autonomous gay worlds. (pp 12-13)My study, which was based in Toronto, also involved young men from a large city. The common element here seems to be that young men, whether in large cities or not, are socialized into hetero models of relationship. Only with experience in the gay world do alternatives come into focus.

Maybe the tide is shifting toward monogamy for the younger generations?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

   

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

What do you think? Leave us a comment below.

Our answer?

Sure, go to bed angry. Arguments are a re-calibration of some issue in the relationship. You two are trying to fix something and come to a solution.

Arguments are not a bad thing at all, but if they start causing a lot of tension and overwhelm, then we have an additional problem. All relationships have problems. On some level, all relationships should always have arguments. Relationships, though, should not have tension as problems are worked out.

So, is it ok to go to bed angry? Sure, if it facilitates reducing the tension after a difficult argument. It is much better that you go to sleep, wake up more clear-headed, and try your hand again at dealing with the issue. This is a skill we’ve seen couples who last into the long-term do regularly. They sleep on it.

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Recently someone mentioned, “I have been putting so much effort into this amazing girl that I met. When we’re together she says she wants the same things as I do. I see so much of a future. But lately I’ve noticed less interest on her part. I call her and she takes a day to call back. To top it off, she’s not out to her family, so when they come to spend time with her I basically get dumped, not hearing anything all week. What’s up with that?”

How would you deal with this situation???

The problem here is the concept of ‘turning toward’. Each time you call her you’re making a bid for her attention. Each time she acknowledges it, the relationship is strengthened. Each time she bids for your attention, even in the smallest way, and you acknowledge it, the relationship is strengthened. It’s like a tennis match; it takes two people to keep the ball going.

The research has shown that couples who have long successful relationships acknowledge each others bids 87% of the time! That’s a lot! Realistically, it’s probably asking too much that someone you just met turn toward you 87% of the time, but over time it should grow to that level.

John Gottman wrote a great book about this, The Relationship Cure. Take A Look Here

Couples tend toward breakup or divorce once the bids are acknowledged (turned toward) less that 50% of the time. Think of a tennis match where one player returns the ball half the time; it gets pretty boring. No wonder it’s so frustrating when your girlfriend doesn’t call you back.

- The Gay Couples Institute Research Team

We have 131 people on our list who are eagerly awaiting our coming workshop. This is great! If you’d like a preview of the exercises covered, and to get a table of contents of the workshop manual, just go to:

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/video.htm and put your email in. 

You’ll also get an invitation to the workshop when registration opens in a few days. 

Some of the exercises we’re teaching couples:

• HOUR 1: How Relationships Last Long-Term: Restoring Affection and Excitement
• HOUR 2: Long Term Relationships: Using Your Relationship To De-Stress
• HOUR 3: Managing Conflict: Overcoming The 6 Common Areas Couples Fight About
• HOUR 4: Managing Conflict: Compromising and Negotiating Power

This should address your major concerns:

1. “we need to learn to communicate”
2. “help us stop arguing”
3. “I can’t trust my partner anymore”

So how much should we charge, given that you’re receiving FOUR HOURS of packed information designed to improve your relationship? (If you don’t like the workshop you get your money back, no questions asked, BTW.)

Not everyone is paying full price! For the first two couples who sign up, you’ll get a nice discount for offering your suggestions and comments all along.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

We’re only allowing 6 couples per workshop date, so that everyone gets the individualized attention they want. Don’t forget: If you want to be on the priority notification list, just make sure your email is here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/video.htm . 

Thanks for helping us make this possible through your suggestions and support!

Then a couple days go by and you get texted…. “I can’t hang out Friday night…” or “Really busy this week can I call you next week?”

By now, you’re wondering: Oh My God, he/she is so great, are they losing interest? What do I do? I don’t want to pester anyone, but I want this one to work out!

The Gay Couples Institute is continuing John Gottman’s research on gay/lesbian relationships. Here’s a little of what we know so far about dating and relationships.

Couples begin by building their friendship. You should concentrate on this too! There are three tasks to accomplish during this stage:

1. Get to know each other. What does he do all week? What activities does he enjoy? What’s her family like? Who were his best friends in high school? What was it like for him to come out? You and your date will grow closer as you know each other’s background.
2. To develop a fondness for each other. What makes him unique? What hobbies or personal interests does she have that make you think “Wow, she’s really cool.”
3. When your date makes an overture for your attention, turn toward it (acknowledge it) immediately. These consistent acknowledgements contribute to the “emotional bank account” that exists between the two of you. It’s a way of keeping the ball in play, the conversation moving forward. When you get a text message or phone call, respond. No game playing.

So what to do when he’s not turning toward you very often?

1. Relax. Your job is to turn toward him when he bids for your attention. You’re doing plenty to increase the bank account.
2. Don’t make too big of a deposit into your ‘bank account’ too early. Roses can be a BIG ‘turn toward’ your date, but on the first date this may be a bit much. Small bids in the beginning accomplish more. You can: Ask your date about themselves (show you’re interested - #1 above), show up on time (accomplishing #3), and compliment him/her on what makes them interesting (#2 above).

We’re here to help. If you’re looking to nurture the friendship of your new relationship, or you’ve been together a while but need a re-charge to your friendship, the Gay Couples Institute is having our first web seminar about dating on May 20th, which specifically addresses this further. Sign up here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshops.htm

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Many people assert arguments such as, ‘Men weren’t designed to have one partner, they’re biologically built procreate as often and as much as possible’.

But the biological argument often contradicts scientific research in developmental psychology showing that children are happier and healthier when raised by two loving parents. It then follows that to have two loving parents in a child’s life on a continuous basis, it’s best that they are in a committed monogamous relationship.

So what’s the right answer?

A researcher at the University of Windsor, Ontario, conducted a fascinating study examining gay male monogamy.

What he found was that:

1. Monogamous value systems were most often present in:
   • Younger gay couples
   • Men new to gay relationships
   • Men whose younger years were spent in cultures with little exposure to same-sex life

2. More common was an “allegiance” to masculine values of adventure and autonomy, and this extended to sexual life. Non-monogamy was often an assertion of sexual self-determination.

What do you think?

Monogamous values are more present in younger couples, but could it be that as gay men come out at younger ages, and as homosexuality is more accepted by the larger population, the interest in ’sexual self-determination’ will decrease?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Relationship Innovation in Male Couples. Adam, Barry D.; Sexualities, Vol 9(1), Feb 2006. pp. 5-26.

The bar scene doesn’t always work well. Couples often complain that while in a bar or club they’ll meet someone, thinking that person might be a good friend to them both. Then it quickly becomes obvious that the new guy actually is hoping for a three-way, not interested in friendship at all.

Have you had the same experience?

Other times single friends pull away from couples because they a) are tired of hearing about how in love you are, or b) are tired of watching you nag each other all the time.

One growing organization dedicated to connecting gay couples with each other is www.Meetgaycouples.com. Their ‘about’ page is kind of cool:

• “We know first hand that it’s often difficult for gay couples to meet other gay couples. We tried various internet groups and websites, but came to realize they’re mostly just a marketplace for porn sites, mortgages and erectile dysfunction aids.”

Go make some new friends! Check them out and let us know what you think.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Maybe this article will be good for you to read.

Researchers at the University of Kentucky in Lexington surveyed over 500 gay men and women, inquiring about the positive aspects of being gay. Up until now, most of the research has focused on psychopathology, or negative mental health problems associated with being gay or lesbian.

But many gays and lesbians will tell you that there are positive aspects of such a life. In fact, they found 10 universal themes:

1. Belonging to a community
2. Creating families of choice
3. Forging strong connections with others
4. Serving as positive role models
5. Developing empathy and compassion
6. Living authentically and honestly
7. Gaining personal insight and sense of self
8. Involvement in social justice and activism
9. Freedom from gender-specific roles
10. Freedom to explore sexuality and relationships

What are some positive aspects you’ve noticed for yourself?

Many gays and lesbians enjoy the lack of “rules” about how to live one’s life. Some would argue that heterosexuals are raised to start dating in their teens, marry in their 20’s, and have children by age 30. The in-laws often start dropping the hint that they want a grandchild if you’re approaching 40 and haven’t had a child, right?

Nevertheless, gays and lesbians get to choose whether this life is right for them, and this freedom opens up possibilities for a happier life.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

The positive aspects of being a lesbian or gay man. Riggle, Ellen D. B.; Whitman, Joy S.; Olson, Amber; Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Vol 39(2), Apr 2008. pp. 210-217.