Marriage does help same sex relationships. Here’s two important pieces of evidence:

An important article in the Journal of Developmental Psychology in 2003 followed up with Vermont-based couples who went through civil unions from 2000-2002. It compared those unionized couples with a) their gay un-unionized friends’ relationships, and b) their heterosexual married friends, to see how long the unionized couples stayed together.

It found that the gay/lesbian couples who unionized stayed together at the SAME RATE as their married heterosexual counterparts, and LONGER THAN their friends who had un-unionized relationships. In short, a union that is recognized by the government helps couples stay together longer.

(Are “marriages” better than “civil unions? I haven’t read published research discussing this, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there. One would assume that separate is NOT equal, and if government wants to promote long-lasting relationships, then they should call them the same, with the same benefits, in order to get the same positive outcome.)

Secondly, important research by the country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, showed that couples (gay or straight) last longer when they create meaning together.

What is “meaning”? It’s anything that gives tangible legitimacy to the relationship, and can include moving in together, exchange of rings, developing fun rituals together, putting pictures on the walls, having children, etc. “Marriage” goes into this bucket.

If you think about it, this makes sense.

Your “meaning” is the stuff that stops you from breaking up when things get rough. Before walking out the door, you consider what it would be like to separate belongings, find someone new to develop fun rituals with, and all the new pictures you’d have to take. All your future plans/goals might evaporate. It stops you in your tracks.

Remember, “gay marriage” also offers the potential for “gay divorce”, but this isn’t such a bad thing, because the thought of having to divorce might stop you in your tracks, long enough to get help from a counselor or advisor who knows their stuff.

The Gay Couples Institute will be celebrating the Prop 8 Overturn Victory at our Gay Date Night event this Saturday in SF. Come join us for free!

What are the most important ground rules to establish?

There are 4 main styles of fighting to be avoided, which when accomplished, will lead to a ‘fair’ fight. Couples need to avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and “stonewalling”.

1. Criticism is any talk that involves blame. The way to avoid it is to talk about what you want, not what you don’t want, and talk about yourself, not that infamous “you” word directed at your partner.
2. To avoid getting defensive, the antidote is to find something, if only a small piece, of what your partner said to validate. Validation is not agreeing; it’s saying “I can see how from your perspective you would want _______”.
3. Contempt is name calling, belligerence, or any kind of moralistic stance toward your partner. It has a 94% correlation with divorce, says Gottman, and should just be avoided at all costs.
4. Stonewalling is an act of passive aggression when you put up a wall to your partner. You stonewall when you hang up the phone, walk out of the room yelling “I’m fine, no really I’m FINE!!”, or wringing the newspaper in your partner’s face, pretending to be invested in your reading material.

The biggest reason to avoid these simple 4 things is because they have been shown to escalate tension in an argument. Anger is not the issue; it’s these 4 things that get couples in trouble.

How will these ground rules positively affect the outcome of the argument and the emotional health of the couple?

When couples abide by these ground rules while arguing, all the sudden arguments become more productive. Imagine that. You will actually come to solutions from your conflicts, at least ones that you can try out temporarily, and then reevaluate later if needed.

All human relationships involve some amount of disagreement. It seems that part of being human is to put one’s ideas forward for feedback, and to offer opinion on one another’s ideas. And as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship will tell you, rarely do you always agree.

So how do you and your partner respond when you disagree?

John Gottman PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, has said it that couples will naturally proceed in one of two directions when they are not effective in managing conflict. They will either have more frequent arguments, or avoid conflict whenever possible.

So what happens when couples avoid conflict?

Usually, resentment develops. But at the Gay Couples Institute we have seen that as resentment increases, so does emotional disengagement. People seem to think that if their negative emotions cannot be safely expressed, neither can their positive emotions.

When people are feeling emotionally disengaged they will also report that they feel lonely, even though they’re in a relationship. And to make matters worse, often when they do try to manage the conflict it comes out in an emotionally overwhelming manner, leaving both of them feeling even more unsuccessful.

If this is happening in your relationship, typically two things need to happen simultaneously. First, the two of you obviously need skills with which to manage conflict, and the tension that it brings up for each of you. Second, the two of you will have to work on your friendship in order to counteract the resentment that has built up over the years. Usually doing just one of those two items is not going to be enough. The good news is that most couples are successful in this endeavor, and if you’d like some help or coaching with this very issue don’t hesitate to contact us. We’re here to help and want to see your relationship thrive.

Let me ask you a difficult question. What you do if you surprisingly found out that your partner had a drug or alcohol problem? Recently several couples have approached us in this very position.

One partner feels totally embarrassed, the other feels lied to.

They usually begin by asking the question, “Should we do couples counseling or does he (or she) need individual therapy?”

Thankfully there is exciting new research coming out about this very topic, conducted by the University of Rochester and Harvard Medical School. The study followed 100 gay and lesbian couples through alcohol treatment. Some did couples counseling, some did individual counseling. For both gay and lesbian couples, those who completed behavioral couples therapy had far less heavy drinking days one year after treatment ended, compared to those who only did individual therapy.

In addition, couples completing behavioral couples therapy also felt much happier about the state of their relationship at the end of treatment compared to those who only did individual counseling.

This study gives new hope for same-sex couples wanting to change addiction patterns. At the Gay Couples Institute we do the same behavioral couples therapy recommended in this study, and tend to find the same results. For those couples struggling with other forms of addiction treatment, maybe it’s time to consider a new way to approach your situation? Give us a call at 877-424-1221 to learn about your options, or just schedule an appointment online.

Yes, sometimes this can be the correct decision, if it’s done the right way. Let me tell you a little story.

Several years ago a couple came and visited us during one of our weekend workshops. At home they were having a lot of fighting, mainly stemming from parenting a teenager. The fights were intense, hurtful, and left both of them feeling flooded and emotionally overwhelmed.

They decided to separate, but they made some unique decisions as they did such. First, they entered into the separation knowing that it would be temporary. Second, one partner rented it an apartment nearby their son’s school so that he could walk to either home, staying in contact with both of his parents.

But most importantly they built rituals for regular connection. For them every Tuesday night was ‘pasta night’ for the whole family, which they would do at either home. Also, Friday nights were parent ‘date nights’, which rejuvenated their friendship. Date night’s focus was getting to know one another all over again, avoiding any potential conflicts, and just having a great time with one another.

They then came to our weekend workshop and learn some new things about how their relationship was working, entirely new skill sets to manage conflict/tension, and avoid flooding or emotional overwhelm.

It worked.

The second home was only necessary for several months, and they were able to move back into one home and be a family again. The trial separation afforded them the time they needed to learn something new without further damage to the relationship. But most importantly, they also use this time to renew their friendship and remember why they started the relationship in the first place. If you are considering a separation from your partner, maybe this story will give you a few ideas about how to do it in a way that will actually help the relationship. We wish you success, and hope to see your relationship thrive.

Keep Your Relationship Spark Alive –

Couples are always saying to one another, “Hey, we should have a date night - a night for just us, like when we started dating…”

But many couples never get around to actually implementing such an evening, often due to life being so chaotic. And in the midst of that chaos, couples often don’t have enough time to connect in a way that keeps their relationship strong.

That’s why the Gay Couples Institute is hosting Date Night for Gay and Lesbian Couples. Held at Pisco Latin Lounge in San Francisco, you can:

• Learn how can you keep the spark in your relationship alive, spice it up, & bring the fun back.
• Learn how to reconnect with your partner by building a stronger friendship.
• Enjoy complimentary drinks (alcohol and non-alcoholic) appetizers, socializing, raffles for The Gay Couples Institute’s Gay Relationship Workshop, movie tickets, Visa gift cards & more.
• Socialize with other couples with other couples just like you.

All Gay and Lesbian Couples are welcome.

Event: Date Night for Gay & Lesbian Couples

Date & Time: Saturday, August 7, 2010 from 5-6:30pm; Saturday, October 16, 2010 from 5-6:30pm (Same event both dates)

Location: Pisco Latin Lounge/Destino Latino Bistro, 1815 Market St., San Francisco

RSVP: Please reserve a spot for you and your partner by May 20^th on Facebook or at Eventbrite.com.

**For couples who plan on having dinner at Destino Latino Bistro (www.destinosf.com) after Date Night, a reservation is encouraged. Please contact them directly at 415.552.4451.

This said, whether you’re gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with their partner.

What defines awful? When you figure out the answer to this question, you’ll know more clearly what to avoid.

Several articles ago highlighted how Criticism works. Basically, it’s talking to your partner with any sense of blame. It’s very natural for people to get defensive when blamed, no matter how right you are.

But really bad fights often have Contempt, which is taking criticism to a whole new level. Not only are you criticizing your partner, but you feel that there’s something wrong with their character, or that they’re inferior.

Contempt is:

• Name calling
• Belligerence (including hostile questioning of your partner’s actions)
• Eye rolling (which communicates disgust or inferiority of the speaker)
• Sarcasm

Contempt also happens to be the largest predictor of happy or unhappy relationships, and John Gottman, the country’s leading researcher, discovered that contempt is highly correlated with divorce. In fact, it’s so highly correlated with divorce, you can bet on it.

Register: Click Here!
When: Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 6-8pm
Where: SF LGBT Center, 1800 Market St., San Francisco

Also, on 11/10/09 Salvatore and Alapaki were also recently on RadioBoiz Radio Show in St.Petersburg, Florida. Listeners got their questions answered regarding open relationships, gay marriage, and recovering from a breakup. It was a really fun show! Listen here:

How did you do? This fun quiz is part of the assessment we give couples at our workshops and clinic. It shows how much mental energy you’re devoting to your partner’s world. John Gottman, PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, found that couples who last long-term always seem to be refreshing their current knowledge about one another. They can answer ‘yes’ to many of the above questions.

If you’d like to see more questions like the ones above, join us at our next workshop, or schedule an appointment to give your relationship a bit of a check-up today.

They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. (created by John Gottman, PhD)

We’ve learned some interesting things about avoiding criticism recently, which I thought I’d post for you.

Criticism: What is it?

Criticism is using any kind of language that indicates blame. Typically, using the word ‘you’ is the culprit.

- “I can’t believe you didn’t record American Idol for me last night!”

- “You should have called ahead of time for reservations.”

But criticism can also just be touted as negativity, without actually saying the word ‘you’. The blame is alive and well, though. Take a look…

- “This is the third day in a row I had to clean the cat litter!” (If it’s normally your job to do the cat box, the ‘you’ is implied, but clearly heard by the listener.)

- “We should have called for reservations at this restaurant! I’m so pissed right now!” (This person is being defensive off the bat, but it’s clear he’s hunting for blame, and that person is ‘you’.)

So how do you stop criticism in it’s tracks?

Rule 1: Talk About What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want or Didn’t Get. This strategy takes all the negativity and complaining/blame off the table. “I really want the cat litter to be cleaned everyday, okay?” or “I was hoping we could have walked right into the restaurant and sat down at a table.” Notice that it’s still okay to be angry. You’re just avoiding criticism, by removing blame, which is the small component of anger that escalates the tension.

Rule 2: Talk About Yourself, Not About The Other Person. By staying inside your body, and inside your experience, you avoid any kind of attack. “I feel so tired right now, and I was really hoping that the household chores would be finished” or “I’ve been looking forward to eating at this restaurant all day and am now worried we won’t be able to find another good spot.” I’m staying inside my experience, not referencing my partner at all.

These are two simple things that we teach couples in our clinic, and in our workshops. Let us know if we can help.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm

At 5pm (PST) Tuesday June 2nd join Salvatore with all your relationship questions on “The Radio Boiz”, a worldwide internet LGBT radio station. Hosted out of St. Petersburg, Florida, you can listen to the replay now below: 

Enjoy the replay of the show. We talked about how to respond when your partner tells you that you’re too “needy”, how to deal with issues around your partner’s ex, and much more!

GETTING OVER IT.  

1. Get rid of all memento’s  and reminders
2. Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
3. Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask  it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
4. Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks.  The unfaithful one -  do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
5. The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario. 
6. Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact. 
7. No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
8. Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
9. Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events. 
10. Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
11. Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.

Much of this can be accomplished with a couples therapist, trained in this method. Contact us at 877-424-1221 if you’d like some direction, or schedule an appointment HERE.

Some good things to keep in mind, from Shirley Glass’ book:

• Only 10% will marry their affair partner. The chances you’ll have a long, successful relationship with your affair partner are 1% or 2%.
• Women are more likely to abandon the primary relationship after only one liaison with an affair partner. Men need a serious relationship with the affair partner before divorcing the primary partner. 
• Women are more likely to have affairs with someone familiar: Old flames, friends, or neighbors. 
• Most affairs are happening at work.
• As many women are having affairs as men.
• Online chatting is a real problem: It creates a real or imagined emotional connection with the affair partner.
• 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved. Only 3% of women said the same.
• No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel. National Geographic reports that the secrecy and newness of the affair relationship create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feel like love.
• Actually, there is little reality to the affair because both partners are not in their normal environments. They end up hiding more realistic parts of themselves as they work to hide the affair itself. 
• The most predictive emotional cue is not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner anymore. 

 
The good news: Most couples will successfully recover from the affair! Many couples are able to spring off of the affair in order to bring the relationship even closer. Next time I’ll explain more about how this is accomplished.

Let’s face it, the current economic crisis can be stressful for any couple, and for same-sex couples, who aren’t offered the same financial protections that straight, married couples benefit from, it can be even more so.  That’s one of the reasons that the Gay Couples Institute and Johnny Huang, financial representative from Northwestern Mutual, are teaming up to offer a free workshop for gay couples, “Recession-Proof Your Relationship.”

Talking about and negotiating money issues can be difficult, and in truth many couples try to avoid it, but according to Salvatore Garanzini of the Gay Couples Institute, “Couples who successfully discuss money issues and create a financial plan together end up staying together longer.” Therapists call this creating “shared meaning”, and having more shared meaning helps couples put day-to-day conflicts in perspective and help them deescalate conflict easier. 

During the workshop, Salvatore will discuss why and how to have successful financial discussions with your partner.  Johnny Huang from Northwestern Mutual will be discussing what couples should learn from the financial crisis and specific actions gay and lesbian couples can take to protect and enhance their financial future.

The workshop will be offered on April 20, at 7:00pm. Seating is limited, so please call in advance at 877.424.1221 to reserve your space or if you have any questions. 

Seems like a positive statistic, right? 

Did you know that couples are spending 28% less time together shopping, hanging out at home, or pursuing projects or recreational activities together? 

Now it starts to make sense. People aren’t spending as much time together, so it follows that they have less time to argue or fight. 

We call this “Turning Away”. Couples are constantly bidding for each others’ attention (”Hey, want to go for a walk later?”), but they’re not Turning Toward their partner’s bid. They’re Turning Away (”What did you say?,” pretending not to hear the request/bid.)

Amazingly, we’ve found that Turns Away teach your partner to stop bidding at all. They stop asking to do things with you. And then the loneliness develops, and you can begin to develop separate, but parallel lives. 

The good news is that much of this is reversible. Turning Toward leads to more Turning Toward. Many couples make a commitment to Turn Toward each others’ bids at least once a day, which can quickly end the loneliness spiral. Let us know if we can help you with this. 

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

If you would like to attend the free workshop or are interested in the other services the institute offers contact The Gay Couples Institute at 877.424.1221 

Not surprisingly, relationship satisfaction was related to the total reported relationship benefits, and having more positive relationship aspects than negative aspects. So basically, if you can identify more plusses than minuses in your relationship, you’re probably fairly satisfied.

Interestingly, though, relationship satisfaction was related to the partner’s use of substances (drugs/alcohol). If your partner doesn’t abuse substances, your relationship might become more satisfying. 

Sexual satisfaction was related to differences between themselves and their partner being complementary, thinking of their significant others as a potential long-term partner, communication problems, and partner substance use.

On our home page (http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/), we have a quiz if you would like to measure your relationship satisfaction. You can schedule a phone appointment to receive your results, which are usually quite amazing. Top score is 151. 

Simons, Gregory, Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, Vol 68 (8-B), 2008. pp. 5593.

1. What are your top two relationship desires? 
2. Do you have any suggestions about topics we should cover in coming workshops or seminars? 

We’ve been asking gay couples these questions for months now; below are many of the responses. Post your answers in the comments below. We read your suggestions to come up with new methods to help couples keep their relationship strong. Thanks!

So how do couples get through this rough time? I think the most important thing couples do initially is recognize that you’re stressed out about your mortgage or the economy, and not necessarily about your partner. I saw one couple this week who prefaced any ranting about money with, “Look, I just need to vent for a minute, it’s not you I’m mad at.” Realizing he’s not the *target* of the rant, then his partner could listen empathetically, not trying to fix things right away.

Too often we try to jump in, giving our partner solutions to their problems, when what they really need is space to think things through aloud. The coming free web seminar will discuss how to incorporate this kind of “ranting session” into your everyday schedule. We’ll also show you some rules to put around the ranting so that no one gets blamed, or gets defensive.

If you’re interested in the free seminar about handling money disputes, just watch your email for registration….

Let us know how else the Gay Couples Institute can help your relationship.

Wishing you success,

Salvatore Garanzini, MFT
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf

But it can happen. So now that gay couples can marry in some states, how can gay couples take on the responsibility of trying to stay together?

I found a few good gay pre-marital suggestions from hunting around through the research.

1. Ideally, get married after about 2 years of courtship. The ideal courtship length seems to be about 2 years and 4 months, to be exact.
2. Marry after age 25.
3. Talk about the big issues before marrying. How many kids does he want? How does she handle money? Are you sexually compatible? Couples tend to have one of these 6 common problems to deal with throughout their marriage:
   • Money
   • Sex
   • Parenting
   • Getting along with In-Laws
   • Tidiness/Chores
   • Use of Personal Free Time
4. Do stuff together, but also enjoy spending time at home together. One of the important things we look at when evaluating a couple’s relationship is whether, if given the option, they like spending time at home together, or if they’d rather be on the go. A preference of being on the go can be an indication that they’re avoiding being trapped together at home.
5. Have issues? Get help. A recent New York Times Article talked about how couples tend to get the most out of doing a couples workshop, rather than going to just therapy by itself. Workshops can serve as a good relationship “checkup”. If you’re interested, take a look at one of our coming gay couples workshops HERE.

For those of you who are getting married, we wish you a long-lasting, happy marriage. Congratulations!

Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point.

Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with breakup, separation, or divorce. He found that all couples will, at some point during an argument:

• get defensive
• criticize one another
• get overwhelmed and walk away.

So should gay couples worry about these communication rough spots? Not really, BUT there is one pattern of communication you should avoid: contempt.

John Gottman defines contempt as basically talking down to your partner, like they’re a child who has done something wrong. Contempt has over a 90% correlation with separation/divorce.

So what does contempt look like?

Criticism: “I can’t believe you dented the car again.”

Contempt: <In a condescending tone> “You dented the car again? You mind telling me what the hell is wrong with you?”

You can see in the second example, there’s an air of judgement, like you’re talking down to someone who’s less-than yourself. This pattern is TOXIC to relationships. If you’re seeing this pattern, then some repair needs to happen in your relationship, gay or straight. It’s often best, initially, to bite your tongue if you think you’re going to say something contemptuous. Give yourself 20 minutes to calm down, then try approaching the issue more objectively. There are a few other strategies which work well, which we can cover in future blog articles and web seminars.

Wishing you success,

- Gay Couples Institute

Researchers had 65 male and 138 female couples participate in the follow up study. Where do you think they are now? Are they still together?

They were compared with 23 male and 61 female same-sex couples not civil unionized, as well as being compared to 55 heterosexual couples.Of the 65 male and 138 female couples available to participate in the study:

1. Same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have separated.
2. Same-sex couples (both unionized and not) reported lower levels of conflict, and greater levels of compatibility, intimacy and relationship quality than heterosexual couples.
3. Having less conflict, as well as greater levels of outness, correlated with relationship happiness for male couples at the 3yr follow up.
4. Having less conflict and having more frequent sex correlated with relationship happiness for female couples at the 3yr follow up.

So what could this mean?

• A formal commitment, recognized by the state, apparently helps same-sex couples stay together (at least at 3yr follow up).
• Working on your relationship helps; Improving your compatibility and working to decrease conflict with your partner increases the quality of your relationship. The Gay Couples Institute believes that couples therapy using the Gottman Method is probably the smartest vehicle to decrease conflict and improve intimacy.
• Being out significantly helps male couples. Talk about the pros/cons of this with your partner.
• Having frequent sex significantly helps female couples. Ladies, keep your sex life in good shape.

This educational information is not a tool for self-diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Each persons’ situation is unique. GCI suggests that you personally consult a trusted professional prior to making changes in your relationship using this article or other advice. The Gay Couples Institute is committed to your success and is here for you.

Sincerely,

The Gay Couples Institute Research Team

www.GayCouplesInstitute.org

Three-year follow-up of same-sex couples who had civil unions in Vermont, same-sex couples not in civil unions, and heterosexual married couples. Balsam, Kimberly F.; Beauchaine, Theodore P.; Rothblum, Esther D.; Developmental Psychology, Vol 44(1), Jan 2008. pp. 102-116.

Gay open relationships are a really difficult topic for many couples. Clearly, an open relationship is right for some couples, and not right for others. Given so much pain caused by this topic (see below) we’re putting together a web seminar series for you.

In preparation for our seminar series on this topic, we conducted a survey of your major concerns. Here’s what you told us:

1. Is this right for me?…

• “My top fear is that my boyfriend wants to have an open relationship and I don’t want this. I’m trying to be “relaxed” but any time I think about him with another I feel just terrible.”

2. How do you maintain emotional monogamy:

• Is the key to open relationships to hold onto a sense of emotional monogamy with your committed partner and allowing the additional partners to be respectful playmates?
• Can one remain emotionally faithful to your partner while sleeping with other people?

3. How do you establish rules around this issue?…

• “Rules about what is/is not off limits (no friends, no repeats, no ex’s?)”
• “What are the alternatives to an open relationship? Is it the only alternative to sexual boredom that’s out there and if not what else is on the menu?”
• “Is it a “natural” progression for gay relationships?”
• “How can you “close” your open relationship if it turns out that this arrangement doesn’t work for you”

Do you have any opinions on this issue? Give us a comment below if so.

Julie Scearce, 45, and Paula Bocciardi, 52, of the West Portal neighborhood in SF, were the first couple to line up. Way to go.

The Clerk’s office said that they must wait 30 days for the decision to actually go into effect before marrying people, but they’re putting all the couples on a list. Wanna have a summer wedding? Now’s your chance.

It’s worth noting the findings of a study done on same sex couples who received civil unions in Vermont in 2000.

It found:

• Same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have separated.
• Same-sex couples (both unionized and not) reported lower levels of conflict, and greater levels of compatibility, intimacy and relationship quality than heterosexual couples.

Basically, as is the case for heterosexual couples, if you’re married you’re more likely to work through the hard times and not separate. Same sex couples also seem to work harder at keeping their relationship happy and healthy. Would you agree?

Congratulations to all the happy couples getting on the list at City Hall!

Does this happen at your house?

I hope not. It’s a predictor of divorce and breakup.

The typical situation: Your significant-other brings up something they want you to do.

• Take out the garbage.
• Clean the cat litter.
• Call your family.
• Wash the car.

In response to hearing this AGAIN, you pretend to do something else, putting up a conversational blockade. You’re hoping that the request will just disappear and go away, right?

John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, says that you’re actually trying to soothe yourself and calm down. Something about the request is overwhelming. Maybe you don’t like being told what to do. Maybe your dad used to nag you about the trash (Are you reading this, Dad?).

The problem is that your attempt to blockade the request will actually make your partner MORE mad. It is seen and felt as an act of aggression, be it a passive one. When researched, it’s also one thing that couples tend to do as their relationship is on the decline.

As a suggestion, rather than blocking out the request, turn to your partner and tell them that you’re overwhelmed by the request. Compromise on a time to deal with it later (then follow through and do it). I’ve seen this tactic help many couples in the past move beyond this ‘blockade behavior’.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

In the first study of it’s kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships.

More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30!

Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New York City, which has a high gay and lesbian population.

This finding is in line with an article from 2006 posted on this blog where University of Windsor, Ontario, researchers found that young gay men in Toronto also championed monogamous relationship views.

In a recent email from the author, Dr. Barry Adam,

• Monogamy, as a firmly held principle for organizing relationships, appears to be more common among men in early stages of relationship development, younger men who refer to heterosexual models, and men whose formative years were passed in cultures with no, or limited, autonomous gay worlds. (pp 12-13)My study, which was based in Toronto, also involved young men from a large city. The common element here seems to be that young men, whether in large cities or not, are socialized into hetero models of relationship. Only with experience in the gay world do alternatives come into focus.

Maybe the tide is shifting toward monogamy for the younger generations?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

   

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

What do you think? Leave us a comment below.

Our answer?

Sure, go to bed angry. Arguments are a re-calibration of some issue in the relationship. You two are trying to fix something and come to a solution.

Arguments are not a bad thing at all, but if they start causing a lot of tension and overwhelm, then we have an additional problem. All relationships have problems. On some level, all relationships should always have arguments. Relationships, though, should not have tension as problems are worked out.

So, is it ok to go to bed angry? Sure, if it facilitates reducing the tension after a difficult argument. It is much better that you go to sleep, wake up more clear-headed, and try your hand again at dealing with the issue. This is a skill we’ve seen couples who last into the long-term do regularly. They sleep on it.

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team