Dear Kind Reader, thanks for posting this; you’re not alone and many would benefit from the answer to your question.

Everyone has different styles for requesting sexual attention. Some are more direct, others like to get into the mood through seduction. These are largely ‘traits’, like introversion and extroversion, and are not inherently bad or good. I would also argue that those traits are stable over the lifespan, relatively unchanging. Some researchers might feel otherwise.

My thought is that the two of you need to create space for both styles to exist some of the time. There needs to be more comfortable ways for each of you to ask for sexual attention and talk about sex, in general. In our couples counseling clinic in San Francisco, we sell an exercise for couples to accomplish this very task. The Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com) has a great product called “Salsa Cards” which make bidding for sexual attention fun again. I think you’ll find that both of your styles are included in the cards, as well as about 200 other ideas for initiating sex.

If you have an iPhone, take a look at the Salsa Cards and other card decks available as downloadable apps from The Gottman Institute. John and Julie Gottman have created some really wonderful ways for gay and straight couples alike to reconnect.

Give it a try!

1. Breathe. As silly as it sounds, breathing ends up being one of the smartest things you can do. Why? Because your nervous system is not always trying to help you. Sometimes when your partner is upset, your body instead thinks that your life is in danger, causing an overreaction. When you breathe, your brain gets the oxygen it needs in order to reset itself and see the situation as it really is.
2. Validate. This is not the same as “agree”. What quickly calms one’s partner down is to communicate that you’re following their logic, and that if you were in their shoes you might have a similar reaction. What we’ve found is that once this message is sincerely communicated (without a “but….” at the end), your partner no longer needs to fight for their point of view. You get it. In fact, you not only get it, but you can also see how they came to that conclusion. Now that they no longer have to fight for their point of view, they are now ready to listen to you.
3. Stay friends. When was the last time you told your partner how much you admire them? Have you done anything random and fun together recently? When two people argue, the tone of the argument ends up being lighter and softer if they’re both aware that they are friends, rather than adversaries. Work on your friendship in those moments when conflict isn’t present.
4. Allow. Finding small ways to let your partner influence the issue at hand shows that you’re invested in a solution, and to the relationship. You do not have to give in to every demand, but giving into even small components of the compromise communicates that you are looking for ways to get on the same page again. Also, once your partner sees that you are allowing them to influence the situation, they are more likely to allow you to do the same.

I love this question, and the debate that is circulating right now about the entire topic. On July 3rd, 2011, the New York Times Magazine published a huge article on the topic. The fascinating article included discussion by Dan Savage, one of America’s leading human sexuality journalists, and his feelings on the issue. “Savage says a more flexible attitude within marriage may be just what the straight community needs. Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.”

Pretty fascinating stance, in my opinion, and clearly other people agree. More articles came out about this in Business Insider and then a large article in the Advocate. All are worth reading.

Nonmonogamy seems to be the topic that everyone has an opinion about, but few want to be identified as nonmonogamous by outsiders. Since 2006, Colleen Hoff at the SFSU Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality and the Gay Couples Study have published plenty of research on the epidemiology of nonmonogamy in the gay community (see Beyond Monogamy: Lessons from Long-Term Male Couples In Non-Monogamous Relationships). They estimate that about half of the couples in the study had some version of nonmongamy in their relationship, and cycling in and out of nonmanogamous phases were the norm for such couples.

So back to the original question, “What do you think about nonmanogamy?”

I can tell you what we see, though, as a couples therapy/counseling organization serving around 200 gay/lesbian couples per year. We see plenty of couples who have healthy monogamous relationships. We also see plenty of couples who have healthy nonmonogamous relationships. We see a lot of unhealthy monogamous relationships. We also see a lot of unhealthy nonmanogamous relationships. (We define relationship health as having a Locke-Wallace Relationship Satisfaction score of over 85).

Monogamy versus nonmonogamy does not seem to be the major corollary with relationship health, so we do not make any assertions as to the direction a couple should take in that arena. I can say that when nonmanogamy has been chosen unilaterally, where one partner wants it more than the other, relationship satisfaction declines. I can also say that when nonmanogamy is elected during a period of emotional disengagement, where negative feelings are not being discussed and conflict is being avoided, then the couple usually regrets the decision later.

We welcome your comments about monogamy/nonmonogamy below. You might also consider watching Dan Savage’s interview on the Colbert Report below.

Dinner and childcare provided, please RSVP!

Registration: Click here
When: Monday, August 1, 6-8pm
Where: SF LGBT Center, 1800 Market St., San Francisco

Larger breaks in trust are often big blows to the partnership itself. The classic example is a betrayal, as in an affair, where you feel like your partner compared you to someone else, and that other person was chosen over you. John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, recently found that when people feel betrayed they begin to ask themselves why they’re with their partner in the first place. “If he’s going to choose that guy over me, why should I even stay?” becomes the inner dialogue of the betrayed partner. This is obviously really detrimental to the partnership.

Dr. Gottman also looked at couples who have successfully repaired betrayals. One amazing thing that those couples did in order to move beyond what happened was this:

The betraying partner expressed sincere remorse about what happened. Secondly, and most importantly, the couple reversed the betraying process by allowing expression of negativity and upset in both partners. In basic terms, they created a new rule making it acceptable to be unhappy about how the relationship is going, and listening sincerely to one another’s concerns. There was no defensiveness, but rather the sincere expression of needs. Those needs were sincerely listened to with a curious attitude, rather than being shut down.

The process we use at the Gay Couples Institute to help couples repair betrayals is the exact same. We show the couple how to avoid criticism and defensiveness, and then create an entirely new way to express needs. The goal is for both partners to feel valued, such that either can talk about a need and have it sincerely listened to. From this point they learn how to accommodate needs in a way good for the larger relationship, whatever that may be.

These bids for intimacy include holding hands, touching, and sharing some softer feelings. If these bids are responded to well by your partner, you go up the ladder, toward higher-cost bids. These bids have more vulnerability attached to them, like expressions of love, commitment, bonding, and attachment.

Here’s 7 ways to increase your intimacy, and go up the ladder together:

1. Get to know something new about your partner. Ask him/her what their dream is for themselves five years from now.

2. Schedule a regular time each week to talk about how the partnership is going, almost like a “State of the Union” meeting.

3. Schedule time to do your partner’s favorite outing together.

4. Tell your partner what you sincerely like about their favorite outfit. Everyone wants to feel attractive/admired.

5. What is your partner’s favorite childhood memory? Find out the story behind this memory.

6. Find out what makes your partner feel most admired and special.

7. Watch for your partner’s bids for attention/intimacy, and make sure you acknowledge those bids as best you can.

These are all easy ways to start going up that emotional ladder. Try it out, and see how your connection becomes closer in just a short time. If you’d like some more help with this, try out the exercises offered in our weekend workshop, next one Saturday April 30th. http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm

February 10, 2011

Gregory Godek’s book “1001 Ways To Be Romantic” lists new and creative ways to spice up your romantic life. Seems kind of interesting, right?

One of the suggestions in the book is to give your partner a locket with your picture in it.

So let me ask you a brief question:

If you haven’t told your partner that you love him or her in years, haven’t sincerely asked about your partner’s hopes and fears in years, nor given out a legitimate complement, is your partner going to appreciate a locket with your picture in it?!?!?!

Probably not.

I’d like to propose a different way of looking at the meaning of Valentine’s Day. It is easy to understand, and taught in our Weekend Workshops (next one is Sunday 2/20/11).

Find a way, if only once a week, to genuinely acknowledge your partner.

- Give a complement
- Ask about his/her favorite childhood memory
- Clear some space in the calendar for “us-time”, like when you were dating

These are just a couple ideas. In our workshop we give TONS more, and they reignite the feeling of dating again, even in relationships lasting 20+ years.

For those wanting to attend our next workshop, just use the code “Valentine” to get $15 off your registration. (Valid through midnight 2/14/11).

Hope to see you there!

Click Here to View Next Workshop Itinerary …

Let me explain the metaphor…

What 35 years of observational research clearly show is that couples who last in the long term are always working to feel like a team. Issues are processed in terms of “How does this affect our team?” and “Are we interacting like members on the same team right now?”

When conflict enters the picture, the question then becomes, what kind of team are you?

Are you a team that kicks a topic around, almost like playfully kicking a soccer ball between both members? This is the atmosphere you want to create when working on conflict. It looks a little like this:
Partner A: “Hey, what do you think about our finances?” (The ball gets an initial kick)
Partner B: “We’ve been trying to get them in order for a while. What do you think?” (The ball gets another soft kick back)
Partner A: “We tried having a budget meeting last month, but never found the time. Should we try it again?” (Another soft kick.)
Partner B: “I don’t like big formal meetings like that. Can we do something with less pressure, maybe over a dinner…” (Another soft kick)

Notice the atmosphere they create, lightly tossing the issue around without blame.

Or are you a couple that plays “Dodge Ball” with a topic, basically picking up the soccer ball and hurling it at your partner. It looks like this:

Partner A: “Hey, what do you think about our finances?” (The ball gets an initial kick)
Partner B: “Again with this topic!!? What do you want to do about it.” (The ball gets an aggressive throw back.)
Partner A: “We tried having a budget meeting last month, but you came in 45 minutes late. Should we try it again?” (A hard kick back.)
Partner B: “I don’t like big formal meetings like that. You should know this. Why don’t you ever bother to listen to me and what I want?…” (A hard throw back)

There’s lots of defensiveness and counter-criticism in the second scenario. You can see that those people are not on the same team trying to find a temporary solution, but instead just trying to injure one another, or at least make sure their point of view prevails. Ultimately this is a lose-lose scenario, and causes couples a lot of pain.

• Does your partner pay attention perfectly well to new, novel, highly-stimulating, or frightening things, but has a short attention span for less stimulating ideas?
• Is your partner hypersensitive to the environment? Does he or she need earplugs or a fan to provide ‘white noise’ in order to sleep? Does he or she not like being touched, or react negatively if touched the wrong way?
• Does your partner take on a haphazard approach to chores/tasks, increasing the amount of time it takes to get them done?
• Does your partner have a hard time with follow through, getting 50%-80% of the project finished, and then moving on?
• Does your partner lack forethought in certain situations? Is he or she “in the moment” a little too much, not thinking about the consequences of one’s actions?

These are some of the main symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder, and they cause havoc in relationships. They leave one partner to be excessively responsible for tasks and household oversight, often feeling resentful over time.

These symptoms also leave the person who has attention-deficit issues feeling nagged, treated like a child, and defensive.

Most couples experience a dramatic improvement once they both become more skilled dealing with attention-deficit symptoms. Supplements and medication no longer cause addictive dependence as once feared, and there are behavioral changes both can make in order to improve life at home. I’ve included some great reading below, if you’d like to learn more:

1. ADD in Intimate Relationships: A Comprehensive Guide for Couples, by Daniel Amen, MD
2. Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD, by Daniel Amen, MD
3. ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life, by Judith Kolberg, PhD
4. Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder, by Edward Hallowell, MD
5. Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood, by Edward Hallowell, MD
6. 10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD: How to Overcome Chronic Distraction & Accomplish Your Goals, by Stephanie Starkis, PhD

When couples are together for a long time they typically learn to become more mellow about one another’s faults. They also become more accepting of one another and communicate that acceptance.

Amazingly, when you accept your partner’s faults, and your partner perceives that you’re more accepting, her or she is also more likely to accept your shortcomings in return. You have to give in order to get something back.

But things don’t always happen that smoothly, right?

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman PhD, found is that a central part of accepting influence is uncovering the meaning of your partner’s position in any given conflict.

But you can’t just say, “I get it!”. You have to take it one step further and communicate that you see the validity in their position, and can see it out of their eyes. This is easier said than done.

Researchers discovered in 1992 that couples will delay on average six years between first detecting that there’s a problem with their relationship and actually seeking out help. This amounts to six years of gridlock for some couples, including six years of not being validated, and six years of having to hold on to your position trying to convince your partner of your point of view. How tiring.

From this point things can often cascade downward during those six years. Fears of accepting influence can go up, people can start feeling vilified, and emotional disengagement can begin. It’s also from this point that criticism, defensiveness, and sometimes even contempt can start to show up.

Research has also shown that most couples merely need education in order to improve their relationship, not necessarily counseling. Given that couples will typically wait six years in order to address a problem, why not build the skills early on in an educational context? Many couples benefit from self-help material, such as John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, or a weekend educational workshop like the one we offer at the Gay Couples Institute. This can often be a very cost-effective way to improve your relationship skills.

Remember, most couples will wait an average of six years before they address serious issues within a relationship, but if you address these issues early on you are much more likely to be successful as you go about trying to build a happy healthy loving relationship. Do the work early, and it pays off in the long run. What do you think?

This is a great question, and so I turned to the research literature for some answers. All 20 studies that I read agreed there needs to be more review of this dynamic, but below I present some important findings. The research largely agreed that butch/femme dynamics are not related to relationship satisfaction, and that the butch/femme dynamic is changing due to social influences.

- When you look at butch/femme dynamics and relationship satisfaction, internalized homophobia and discrimination were associated with lower relationship quality and both domestic violence perpetration and victimization. Outness and butch/femme identity were largely unrelated to relationship variables. (Psychology of Women Quarterly, Sep, 2005)

- Relationships with unequal power balance reported less satisfaction and more problems, but relationships with the ‘butch-femme’ dynamic did not report these inequalities any more than other relationships. (Sex Roles, Apr, 1984)

- Butch and femme women seem to form their sexual identities in the same manner, when compared to bisexual women. (Archives of Sexual Behavior, Feb, 2009)

- Butch women reported drinking alcohol more frequently and in greater quantity, smoking more cigarettes, and using marijuana more frequently than young femme women. (Substance Use & Misuse, Jul, 2008.)

The butch/femme dynamic has changed over time, but all studies agree that this must be studied more.

- The terms used to designate the different roles of lesbian couples in Bulgaria, “masculine” and “feminine lesbian,” do not have high importance for the majority of lesbians who are part of the club scene. Butch/femme appears to be an old-fashioned way of approaching lesbian relationships in Bulgaria today. Most young lesbians regard their relationships as a game between equals who may decide to play a division of roles for the sake of variety and pleasure. (Journal of Lesbian Studies, 2002)

- Many black gay women in the 1970s did not distance themselves from the use of physical presentations of gender as an organizing mechanism for their relationships and for lesbian community life. During this time period, the use of the butch/femme identification meant something very important to these women, and remains an important part of their identity. (Signs, Aug, 2006)

Marriage does help same sex relationships. Here’s two important pieces of evidence:

An important article in the Journal of Developmental Psychology in 2003 followed up with Vermont-based couples who went through civil unions from 2000-2002. It compared those unionized couples with a) their gay un-unionized friends’ relationships, and b) their heterosexual married friends, to see how long the unionized couples stayed together.

It found that the gay/lesbian couples who unionized stayed together at the SAME RATE as their married heterosexual counterparts, and LONGER THAN their friends who had un-unionized relationships. In short, a union that is recognized by the government helps couples stay together longer.

(Are “marriages” better than “civil unions? I haven’t read published research discussing this, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there. One would assume that separate is NOT equal, and if government wants to promote long-lasting relationships, then they should call them the same, with the same benefits, in order to get the same positive outcome.)

Secondly, important research by the country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, showed that couples (gay or straight) last longer when they create meaning together.

What is “meaning”? It’s anything that gives tangible legitimacy to the relationship, and can include moving in together, exchange of rings, developing fun rituals together, putting pictures on the walls, having children, etc. “Marriage” goes into this bucket.

If you think about it, this makes sense.

Your “meaning” is the stuff that stops you from breaking up when things get rough. Before walking out the door, you consider what it would be like to separate belongings, find someone new to develop fun rituals with, and all the new pictures you’d have to take. All your future plans/goals might evaporate. It stops you in your tracks.

Remember, “gay marriage” also offers the potential for “gay divorce”, but this isn’t such a bad thing, because the thought of having to divorce might stop you in your tracks, long enough to get help from a counselor or advisor who knows their stuff.

The Gay Couples Institute will be celebrating the Prop 8 Overturn Victory at our Gay Date Night event this Saturday in SF. Come join us for free!

thing: Problems/Arguments do not end relationships, TENSION does. In order to fight fair, you have to find small ways to avoid the tension that can come up during bad fights. Feel free to get angry with each other, but just don’t do the 4 things I outline below.

What are the most important ground rules to establish?

There are 4 main styles of fighting to be avoided, which when accomplished, will lead to a ‘fair’ fight. Couples need to avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and “stonewalling”.

1. Criticism is any talk that involves blame. The way to avoid it is to talk about what you want, not what you don’t want, and talk about yourself, not that infamous “you” word directed at your partner.
2. To avoid getting defensive, the antidote is to find something, if only a small piece, of what your partner said to validate. Validation is not agreeing; it’s saying “I can see how from your perspective you would want _______”.
3. Contempt is name calling, belligerence, or any kind of moralistic stance toward your partner. It has a 94% correlation with divorce, says Gottman, and should just be avoided at all costs.
4. Stonewalling is an act of passive aggression when you put up a wall to your partner. You stonewall when you hang up the phone, walk out of the room yelling “I’m fine, no really I’m FINE!!”, or wringing the newspaper in your partner’s face, pretending to be invested in your reading material.

The biggest reason to avoid these simple 4 things is because they have been shown to escalate tension in an argument. Anger is not the issue; it’s these 4 things that get couples in trouble.

How will these ground rules positively affect the outcome of the argument and the emotional health of the couple?

When couples abide by these ground rules while arguing, all the sudden arguments become more productive. Imagine that. You will actually come to solutions from your conflicts, at least ones that you can try out temporarily, and then reevaluate later if needed.

All human relationships involve some amount of disagreement. It seems that part of being human is to put one’s ideas forward for feedback, and to offer opinion on one another’s ideas. And as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship will tell you, rarely do you always agree.

So how do you and your partner respond when you disagree?

John Gottman PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, has said it that couples will naturally proceed in one of two directions when they are not effective in managing conflict. They will either have more frequent arguments, or avoid conflict whenever possible.

So what happens when couples avoid conflict?

Usually, resentment develops. But at the Gay Couples Institute we have seen that as resentment increases, so does emotional disengagement. People seem to think that if their negative emotions cannot be safely expressed, neither can their positive emotions.

When people are feeling emotionally disengaged they will also report that they feel lonely, even though they’re in a relationship. And to make matters worse, often when they do try to manage the conflict it comes out in an emotionally overwhelming manner, leaving both of them feeling even more unsuccessful.

If this is happening in your relationship, typically two things need to happen simultaneously. First, the two of you obviously need skills with which to manage conflict, and the tension that it brings up for each of you. Second, the two of you will have to work on your friendship in order to counteract the resentment that has built up over the years. Usually doing just one of those two items is not going to be enough. The good news is that most couples are successful in this endeavor, and if you’d like some help or coaching with this very issue don’t hesitate to contact us. We’re here to help and want to see your relationship thrive.

Let me ask you a difficult question. What you do if you surprisingly found out that your partner had a drug or alcohol problem? Recently several couples have approached us in this very position.

One partner feels totally embarrassed, the other feels lied to.

They usually begin by asking the question, “Should we do couples counseling or does he (or she) need individual therapy?”

Thankfully there is exciting new research coming out about this very topic, conducted by the University of Rochester and Harvard Medical School. The study followed 100 gay and lesbian couples through alcohol treatment. Some did couples counseling, some did individual counseling. For both gay and lesbian couples, those who completed behavioral couples therapy had far less heavy drinking days one year after treatment ended, compared to those who only did individual therapy.

In addition, couples completing behavioral couples therapy also felt much happier about the state of their relationship at the end of treatment compared to those who only did individual counseling.

This study gives new hope for same-sex couples wanting to change addiction patterns. At the Gay Couples Institute we do the same behavioral couples therapy recommended in this study, and tend to find the same results. For those couples struggling with other forms of addiction treatment, maybe it’s time to consider a new way to approach your situation? Give us a call at 877-424-1221 to learn about your options, or just schedule an appointment online.

Yes, sometimes this can be the correct decision if it’s done the right way. Let me tell you a little story.

Several years ago a couple came and visited us during one of our weekend workshops. At home they were experiencing a lot of fights stemming from parenting a teenager. The fights were intense, hurtful, and left both of them feeling flooded and emotionally overwhelmed.

They decided to separate, but they made some unique decisions during the separation process. First, they entered into the separation knowing that it would be temporary. Second, one partner rented it an apartment nearby their son’s school so that he could walk to either home, thus staying in contact with both of his parents.

Most importantly, though, they built rituals for regular connection. Every Tuesday night was ‘pasta night’ for the whole family, which would happen at either home. Also, Friday nights were parent ‘date nights’, which rejuvenated their friendship. Date night’s focus included getting to know one another all over again, avoiding any potential conflicts, and just having a great time with one another.

They then came to our weekend workshop and learn some new things about how their relationship worked, including entirely new skill sets to manage conflict/tension, and avoid flooding or emotional overwhelm.

It worked.

The second home was only necessary for several months, and they were able to move back into one home and be a family again. The trial separation afforded them the time they needed to learn something new without further damage to the relationship. But most importantly, they also use this time to renew their friendship and remember why they started the relationship in the first place. If you are considering a separation from your partner, maybe this story will give you a few ideas about how to do it in a way that will actually help the relationship. We wish you success, and hope to see your relationship thrive.

Keep Your Relationship Spark Alive –

Couples are always saying to one another, “Hey, we should have a date night – a night for just us, like when we started dating…”

But many couples never get around to actually implementing such an evening, often due to life being so chaotic. And in the midst of that chaos, couples often don’t have enough time to connect in a way that keeps their relationship strong.

That’s why the Gay Couples Institute is hosting Date Night for Gay and Lesbian Couples. Held at Pisco Latin Lounge in San Francisco, you can:

• Learn how can you keep the spark in your relationship alive, spice it up, & bring the fun back.
• Learn how to reconnect with your partner by building a stronger friendship.
• Enjoy complimentary drinks (alcohol and non-alcoholic) appetizers, socializing, raffles for The Gay Couples Institute’s Gay Relationship Workshop, movie tickets, Visa gift cards & more.
• Socialize with other couples with other couples just like you.

All Gay and Lesbian Couples are welcome.

Event: Date Night for Gay & Lesbian Couples

Date & Time: Saturday, August 7, 2010 from 5-6:30pm; Saturday, October 16, 2010 from 5-6:30pm (Same event both dates)

Location: Pisco Latin Lounge/Destino Latino Bistro, 1815 Market St., San Francisco

RSVP: Please reserve a spot for you and your partner by May 20^th on Facebook or at Eventbrite.com.

**For couples who plan on having dinner at Destino Latino Bistro (www.destinosf.com) after Date Night, a reservation is encouraged. Please contact them directly at 415.552.4451.

This said, whether you’re gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with their partner.

What defines awful? When you figure out the answer to this question, you’ll know more clearly what to avoid.

Several articles ago highlighted how Criticism works. Basically, it’s talking to your partner with any sense of blame. It’s very natural for people to get defensive when blamed, no matter how right you are.

But really bad fights often have Contempt, which is taking criticism to a whole new level. Not only are you criticizing your partner, but you feel that there’s something wrong with their character, or that they’re inferior.

Contempt is:

• Name calling
• Belligerence (including hostile questioning of your partner’s actions)
• Eye rolling (which communicates disgust or inferiority of the speaker)
• Sarcasm

Contempt also happens to be the largest predictor of happy or unhappy relationships, and John Gottman, the country’s leading researcher, discovered that contempt is highly correlated with divorce. In fact, it’s so highly correlated with divorce, you can bet on it.

Register: Click Here!
When: Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 6-8pm
Where: SF LGBT Center, 1800 Market St., San Francisco

Also, on 11/10/09 Salvatore and Alapaki were also recently on RadioBoiz Radio Show in St.Petersburg, Florida. Listeners got their questions answered regarding open relationships, gay marriage, and recovering from a breakup. It was a really fun show! Listen here:

How did you do? This fun quiz is part of the assessment we give couples at our workshops and clinic. It shows how much mental energy you’re devoting to your partner’s world. John Gottman, PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, found that couples who last long-term always seem to be refreshing their current knowledge about one another. They can answer ‘yes’ to many of the above questions.

If you’d like to see more questions like the ones above, join us at our next workshop, or schedule an appointment to give your relationship a bit of a check-up today.

They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. (created by John Gottman, PhD)

We’ve learned some interesting things about avoiding criticism recently, which I thought I’d post for you.

Criticism: What is it?

Criticism is using any kind of language that indicates blame. Typically, using the word ‘you’ is the culprit.

- “I can’t believe you didn’t record American Idol for me last night!”

- “You should have called ahead of time for reservations.”

But criticism can also just be touted as negativity, without actually saying the word ‘you’. The blame is alive and well, though. Take a look…

- “This is the third day in a row I had to clean the cat litter!” (If it’s normally your job to do the cat box, the ‘you’ is implied, but clearly heard by the listener.)

- “We should have called for reservations at this restaurant! I’m so pissed right now!” (This person is being defensive off the bat, but it’s clear he’s hunting for blame, and that person is ‘you’.)

So how do you stop criticism in it’s tracks?

Rule 1: Talk About What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want or Didn’t Get. This strategy takes all the negativity and complaining/blame off the table. “I really want the cat litter to be cleaned everyday, okay?” or “I was hoping we could have walked right into the restaurant and sat down at a table.” Notice that it’s still okay to be angry. You’re just avoiding criticism, by removing blame, which is the small component of anger that escalates the tension.

Rule 2: Talk About Yourself, Not About The Other Person. By staying inside your body, and inside your experience, you avoid any kind of attack. “I feel so tired right now, and I was really hoping that the household chores would be finished” or “I’ve been looking forward to eating at this restaurant all day and am now worried we won’t be able to find another good spot.” I’m staying inside my experience, not referencing my partner at all.

These are two simple things that we teach couples in our clinic, and in our workshops. Let us know if we can help.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm

At 5pm (PST) Tuesday June 2nd join Salvatore with all your relationship questions on “The Radio Boiz”, a worldwide internet LGBT radio station. Hosted out of St. Petersburg, Florida, you can listen to the replay now below: 

Enjoy the replay of the show. We talked about how to respond when your partner tells you that you’re too “needy”, how to deal with issues around your partner’s ex, and much more!

GETTING OVER IT.  

1. Get rid of all memento’s  and reminders
2. Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
3. Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask  it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
4. Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks.  The unfaithful one -  do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
5. The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario. 
6. Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact. 
7. No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
8. Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
9. Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events. 
10. Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
11. Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.

Much of this can be accomplished with a couples therapist, trained in this method. Contact us at 877-424-1221 if you’d like some direction, or schedule an appointment HERE.

Some good things to keep in mind, from Shirley Glass’ book:

• Only 10% will marry their affair partner. The chances you’ll have a long, successful relationship with your affair partner are 1% or 2%.
• Women are more likely to abandon the primary relationship after only one liaison with an affair partner. Men need a serious relationship with the affair partner before divorcing the primary partner. 
• Women are more likely to have affairs with someone familiar: Old flames, friends, or neighbors. 
• Most affairs are happening at work.
• As many women are having affairs as men.
• Online chatting is a real problem: It creates a real or imagined emotional connection with the affair partner.
• 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved. Only 3% of women said the same.
• No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel. National Geographic reports that the secrecy and newness of the affair relationship create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feel like love.
• Actually, there is little reality to the affair because both partners are not in their normal environments. They end up hiding more realistic parts of themselves as they work to hide the affair itself. 
• The most predictive emotional cue is not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner anymore. 

 
The good news: Most couples will successfully recover from the affair! Many couples are able to spring off of the affair in order to bring the relationship even closer. Next time I’ll explain more about how this is accomplished.

Let’s face it, the current economic crisis can be stressful for any couple, and for same-sex couples, who aren’t offered the same financial protections that straight, married couples benefit from, it can be even more so.  That’s one of the reasons that the Gay Couples Institute and Johnny Huang, financial representative from Northwestern Mutual, are teaming up to offer a free workshop for gay couples, “Recession-Proof Your Relationship.”

Talking about and negotiating money issues can be difficult, and in truth many couples try to avoid it, but according to Salvatore Garanzini of the Gay Couples Institute, “Couples who successfully discuss money issues and create a financial plan together end up staying together longer.” Therapists call this creating “shared meaning”, and having more shared meaning helps couples put day-to-day conflicts in perspective and help them deescalate conflict easier. 

During the workshop, Salvatore will discuss why and how to have successful financial discussions with your partner.  Johnny Huang from Northwestern Mutual will be discussing what couples should learn from the financial crisis and specific actions gay and lesbian couples can take to protect and enhance their financial future.

The workshop will be offered on April 20, at 7:00pm. Seating is limited, so please call in advance at 877.424.1221 to reserve your space or if you have any questions. 

Seems like a positive statistic, right? 

Did you know that couples are spending 28% less time together shopping, hanging out at home, or pursuing projects or recreational activities together? 

Now it starts to make sense. People aren’t spending as much time together, so it follows that they have less time to argue or fight. 

We call this “Turning Away”. Couples are constantly bidding for each others’ attention (“Hey, want to go for a walk later?”), but they’re not Turning Toward their partner’s bid. They’re Turning Away (“What did you say?,” pretending not to hear the request/bid.)

Amazingly, we’ve found that Turns Away teach your partner to stop bidding at all. They stop asking to do things with you. And then the loneliness develops, and you can begin to develop separate, but parallel lives. 

The good news is that much of this is reversible. Turning Toward leads to more Turning Toward. Many couples make a commitment to Turn Toward each others’ bids at least once a day, which can quickly end the loneliness spiral. Let us know if we can help you with this. 

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If you would like to attend the free workshop or are interested in the other services the institute offers contact The Gay Couples Institute at 877.424.1221 

Not surprisingly, relationship satisfaction was related to the total reported relationship benefits, and having more positive relationship aspects than negative aspects. So basically, if you can identify more plusses than minuses in your relationship, you’re probably fairly satisfied.

Interestingly, though, relationship satisfaction was related to the partner’s use of substances (drugs/alcohol). If your partner doesn’t abuse substances, your relationship might become more satisfying. 

Sexual satisfaction was related to differences between themselves and their partner being complementary, thinking of their significant others as a potential long-term partner, communication problems, and partner substance use.

On our home page (http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/), we have a quiz if you would like to measure your relationship satisfaction. You can schedule a phone appointment to receive your results, which are usually quite amazing. Top score is 151. 

Simons, Gregory, Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, Vol 68 (8-B), 2008. pp. 5593.

1. What are your top two relationship desires? 
2. Do you have any suggestions about topics we should cover in coming workshops or seminars? 

We’ve been asking gay couples these questions for months now; below are many of the responses. Post your answers in the comments below. We read your suggestions to come up with new methods to help couples keep their relationship strong. Thanks!

So how do couples get through this rough time? I think the most important thing couples do initially is recognize that you’re stressed out about your mortgage or the economy, and not necessarily about your partner. I saw one couple this week who prefaced any ranting about money with, “Look, I just need to vent for a minute, it’s not you I’m mad at.” Realizing he’s not the *target* of the rant, then his partner could listen empathetically, not trying to fix things right away.

Too often we try to jump in, giving our partner solutions to their problems, when what they really need is space to think things through aloud. The coming free web seminar will discuss how to incorporate this kind of “ranting session” into your everyday schedule. We’ll also show you some rules to put around the ranting so that no one gets blamed, or gets defensive.

If you’re interested in the free seminar about handling money disputes, just watch your email for registration….

Let us know how else the Gay Couples Institute can help your relationship.

Wishing you success,

Salvatore Garanzini, MFT
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