One of the best books out there on infidelity is “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s written toward heterosexual couples, but many of the same premises apply. A big part of our work at the Gay Couples Institute is helping couples successfully recover from affairs and other breaks in trust. 

Some good things to keep in mind, from Shirley Glass’ book:

• Only 10% will marry their affair partner. The chances you’ll have a long, successful relationship with your affair partner are 1% or 2%.
• Women are more likely to abandon the primary relationship after only one liaison with an affair partner. Men need a serious relationship with the affair partner before divorcing the primary partner. 
• Women are more likely to have affairs with someone familiar: Old flames, friends, or neighbors. 
• Most affairs are happening at work.
• As many women are having affairs as men.
• Online chatting is a real problem: It creates a real or imagined emotional connection with the affair partner.
• 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved. Only 3% of women said the same.
• No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel. National Geographic reports that the secrecy and newness of the affair relationship create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feel like love.
• Actually, there is little reality to the affair because both partners are not in their normal environments. They end up hiding more realistic parts of themselves as they work to hide the affair itself. 
• The most predictive emotional cue is not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner anymore. 

 
The good news: Most couples will successfully recover from the affair! Many couples are able to spring off of the affair in order to bring the relationship even closer. Next time I’ll explain more about how this is accomplished.

One researcher at Marquette University just completed a longitudinal study of behavior within romantic relationships. One hundred thirty-seven non-married couples (46 male-male, 46 female-female, and 45 male-female) involved in relationships six months or less participated.

Not surprisingly, relationship satisfaction was related to the total reported relationship benefits, and having more positive relationship aspects than negative aspects. So basically, if you can identify more plusses than minuses in your relationship, you’re probably fairly satisfied.

Interestingly, though, relationship satisfaction was related to the partner’s use of substances (drugs/alcohol). If your partner doesn’t abuse substances, your relationship might become more satisfying. 

Sexual satisfaction was related to differences between themselves and their partner being complementary, thinking of their significant others as a potential long-term partner, communication problems, and partner substance use.

On our home page (http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/), we have a quiz if you would like to measure your relationship satisfaction. You can schedule a phone appointment to receive your results, which are usually quite amazing. Top score is 151. 

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Simons, Gregory, Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, Vol 68 (8-B), 2008. pp. 5593.

Gay open relationships are a really difficult topic for many couples. Clearly, an open relationship is right for some couples, and not right for others. Given so much pain caused by this topic (see below) we’re putting together a web seminar series for you.

In preparation for our seminar series on this topic, we conducted a survey of your major concerns. Here’s what you told us:

1. Is this right for me?…

• “My top fear is that my boyfriend wants to have an open relationship and I don’t want this. I’m trying to be “relaxed” but any time I think about him with another I feel just terrible.”

2. How do you maintain emotional monogamy:

• Is the key to open relationships to hold onto a sense of emotional monogamy with your committed partner and allowing the additional partners to be respectful playmates?
• Can one remain emotionally faithful to your partner while sleeping with other people?

3. How do you establish rules around this issue?…

• “Rules about what is/is not off limits (no friends, no repeats, no ex’s?)”
• “What are the alternatives to an open relationship? Is it the only alternative to sexual boredom that’s out there and if not what else is on the menu?”
• “Is it a “natural” progression for gay relationships?”
• “How can you “close” your open relationship if it turns out that this arrangement doesn’t work for you”

Do you have any opinions on this issue? Give us a comment below if so.

Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

   

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

What does the research say about monogamous gay male relationships?

Many people assert arguments such as, ‘Men weren’t designed to have one partner, they’re biologically built procreate as often and as much as possible’.

But the biological argument often contradicts scientific research in developmental psychology showing that children are happier and healthier when raised by two loving parents. It then follows that to have two loving parents in a child’s life on a continuous basis, it’s best that they are in a committed relationship. But what about monogamous?

So what’s the right answer?

A researcher at the University of Windsor, Ontario, conducted a fascinating study examining gay male monogamy.

What he found was that:

1. Monogamous value systems were most often present in:
   • Younger gay couples
   • Men new to gay relationships
   • Men whose younger years were spent in cultures with little exposure to same-sex life

    

2. More common was an “allegiance” to masculine values of adventure and autonomy, and this extended to sexual life. Non-monogamy was often an assertion of sexual self-determination.

What do you think?

Monogamous values are more present in younger couples, but could it be that as gay men come out at younger ages, and as homosexuality is more accepted by the larger population, the interest in ‘sexual self-determination’ will decrease?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Relationship Innovation in Male Couples. Adam, Barry D.; Sexualities, Vol 9(1), Feb 2006. pp. 5-26.

Just coming out?

Maybe this article will be good for you to read.

Researchers at the University of Kentucky in Lexington surveyed over 500 gay men and women, inquiring about the positive aspects of being gay. Up until now, most of the research has focused on psychopathology, or negative mental health problems associated with being gay or lesbian.

But many gays and lesbians will tell you that there are positive aspects of such a life. In fact, they found 10 universal themes:

1. Belonging to a community
2. Creating families of choice
3. Forging strong connections with others
4. Serving as positive role models
5. Developing empathy and compassion
6. Living authentically and honestly
7. Gaining personal insight and sense of self
8. Involvement in social justice and activism
9. Freedom from gender-specific roles
10. Freedom to explore sexuality and relationships

What are some positive aspects you’ve noticed for yourself?

Many gays and lesbians enjoy the lack of “rules” about how to live one’s life. Some would argue that heterosexuals are raised to start dating in their teens, marry in their 20′s, and have children by age 30. The in-laws often start dropping the hint that they want a grandchild if you’re approaching 40 and haven’t had a child, right?

Nevertheless, gays and lesbians get to choose whether this life is right for them, and this freedom opens up possibilities for a happier life.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Riggle, Ellen D. B.; Whitman, Joy S.; Olson, Amber; Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Vol 39(2), Apr 2008. pp. 210-217.