The most frequent question we receive at our couples workshops and therapist trainings is, “What do you think about monogamy and same sex couples?”

I love this question, and the debate that is circulating right now about the entire topic. On July 3rd, 2011, the New York Times Magazine published a huge article on the topic. The fascinating article included discussion by Dan Savage, one of America’s leading human sexuality journalists, and his feelings on the issue. “Savage says a more flexible attitude within marriage may be just what the straight community needs. Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.”

(more…)

Breaks in trust come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Small breaks include those moments when you thought your partner would be there for you, but they let you down.

A simple example includes promising to pick something up from the store on the way home, but forgetting. If this has happened once, maybe you can easily forgive and move on. But what if it has happened ten times? Then we have a different story.

Larger breaks in trust are often big blows to the partnership itself. The classic example is a betrayal, as in an affair, where you feel like your partner compared you to someone else, and that other person was chosen over you. John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, recently found that when people feel betrayed they begin to ask themselves why they’re with their partner in the first place. “If he’s going to choose that guy over me, why should I even stay?” becomes the inner dialogue of the betrayed partner. This is obviously really detrimental to the partnership.

(more…)

Gay open relationships are a really difficult topic for many couples. Clearly, an open relationship is right for some couples, and not right for others. Given so much pain caused by this topic (see below) we’re putting together a web seminar series for you.

In preparation for our seminar series on this topic, we conducted a survey of your major concerns. Here’s what you told us:

1. Is this right for me?…

• “My top fear is that my boyfriend wants to have an open relationship and I don’t want this. I’m trying to be “relaxed” but any time I think about him with another I feel just terrible.”

2. How do you maintain emotional monogamy:

• Is the key to open relationships to hold onto a sense of emotional monogamy with your committed partner and allowing the additional partners to be respectful playmates?
• Can one remain emotionally faithful to your partner while sleeping with other people?

3. How do you establish rules around this issue?…

• “Rules about what is/is not off limits (no friends, no repeats, no ex’s?)”
• “What are the alternatives to an open relationship? Is it the only alternative to sexual boredom that’s out there and if not what else is on the menu?”
• “Is it a “natural” progression for gay relationships?”
• “How can you “close” your open relationship if it turns out that this arrangement doesn’t work for you”

Do you have any opinions on this issue? Give us a comment below if so.

Wow.

In the first study of it’s kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships.

More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30!

Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New York City, which has a high gay and lesbian population.

This finding is in line with an article from 2006 posted on this blog where University of Windsor, Ontario, researchers found that young gay men in Toronto also championed monogamous relationship views.

In a recent email from the author, Dr. Barry Adam,

• Monogamy, as a firmly held principle for organizing relationships, appears to be more common among men in early stages of relationship development, younger men who refer to heterosexual models, and men whose formative years were passed in cultures with no, or limited, autonomous gay worlds. (pp 12-13)My study, which was based in Toronto, also involved young men from a large city. The common element here seems to be that young men, whether in large cities or not, are socialized into hetero models of relationship. Only with experience in the gay world do alternatives come into focus.

Maybe the tide is shifting toward monogamy for the younger generations?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

What does the research say about monogamous gay male relationships?

Many people assert arguments such as, ‘Men weren’t designed to have one partner, they’re biologically built procreate as often and as much as possible’.

But the biological argument often contradicts scientific research in developmental psychology showing that children are happier and healthier when raised by two loving parents. It then follows that to have two loving parents in a child’s life on a continuous basis, it’s best that they are in a committed relationship. But what about monogamous?

So what’s the right answer?

A researcher at the University of Windsor, Ontario, conducted a fascinating study examining gay male monogamy.

What he found was that:

1. Monogamous value systems were most often present in:
   • Younger gay couples
   • Men new to gay relationships
   • Men whose younger years were spent in cultures with little exposure to same-sex life

    

2. More common was an “allegiance” to masculine values of adventure and autonomy, and this extended to sexual life. Non-monogamy was often an assertion of sexual self-determination.

What do you think?

Monogamous values are more present in younger couples, but could it be that as gay men come out at younger ages, and as homosexuality is more accepted by the larger population, the interest in ‘sexual self-determination’ will decrease?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Relationship Innovation in Male Couples. Adam, Barry D.; Sexualities, Vol 9(1), Feb 2006. pp. 5-26.