Money is tight for everyone right now, and lately the Gay Couples Relationship Clinic in SF has seen an increase in couples coming in for help with financial problems. In response to this, we’re creating a free online web seminar showing gay couples how to deal with conflict stemming from financial worries. More on that later, though.

So how do couples get through this rough time? I think the most important thing couples do initially is recognize that you’re stressed out about your mortgage or the economy, and not necessarily about your partner. I saw one couple this week who prefaced any ranting about money with, “Look, I just need to vent for a minute, it’s not you I’m mad at.” Realizing he’s not the *target* of the rant, then his partner could listen empathetically, not trying to fix things right away.

Too often we try to jump in, giving our partner solutions to their problems, when what they really need is space to think things through aloud. The coming free web seminar will discuss how to incorporate this kind of “ranting session” into your everyday schedule. We’ll also show you some rules to put around the ranting so that no one gets blamed, or gets defensive.

If you’re interested in the free seminar about handling money disputes, just watch your email for registration….

Let us know how else the Gay Couples Institute can help your relationship.

Wishing you success,

Salvatore Garanzini, MFT

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Some gay couples never argue, whereas some couples argue a lot. Are some kinds of arguments considered worse than others? Check out this article I wrote about arguments in the Labor Day issue of SF Gloss Magazine and get some of your questions answered!

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/GCI.Gloss.Article.2.pdf

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Many couples in gay relationships struggle with stopping arguments. But are arguments really something to be avoided?

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point.

Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with breakup, separation, or divorce. He found that all couples will, at some point during an argument:

• get defensive
• criticize one another
• get overwhelmed and walk away.

So should gay couples worry about these communication rough spots? Not really, BUT there is one pattern of communication you should avoid: contempt.

John Gottman defines contempt as basically talking down to your partner, like they’re a child who has done something wrong. Contempt has over a 90% correlation with separation/divorce.

So what does contempt look like?

(more…)

Sound familiar?

Does this happen at your house?

I hope not. It’s a predictor of divorce and breakup.

The typical situation: Your significant-other brings up something they want you to do.

• Take out the garbage.
• Clean the cat litter.
• Call your family.
• Wash the car.

In response to hearing this AGAIN, you pretend to do something else, putting up a conversational blockade. You’re hoping that the request will just disappear and go away, right?

John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, says that you’re actually trying to soothe yourself and calm down. Something about the request is overwhelming. Maybe you don’t like being told what to do. Maybe your dad used to nag you about the trash (Are you reading this, Dad?).

The problem is that your attempt to blockade the request will actually make your partner MORE mad. It is seen and felt as an act of aggression, be it a passive one. When researched, it’s also one thing that couples tend to do as their relationship is on the decline.

As a suggestion, rather than blocking out the request, turn to your partner and tell them that you’re overwhelmed by the request. Compromise on a time to deal with it later (then follow through and do it). I’ve seen this tactic help many couples in the past move beyond this ‘blockade behavior’.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University, coauthored a fascinating study completed in January, 2008. She, and another associated study found:

• Same sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who married.
• Gay couples take larger risks to live openly, thus they must work harder to stay together. By working harder to stay together, they end up creating happier relationships.
• Same sex couples automatically experience a greater sense of compatibility, possibly due to the fact that less “translation” is needed between the sexes. (Basically, when your partner is of the same sex as you, he/she is already at a communication advantage, as compared to heterosexual couples.)
• Same sex couples are: 
  • more honest with each other about monogamy and sex
  • more mature, considerate, and fair to each other
  • more funny and affectionate when they argue
  • less controlling
  • take things less personally

   

What do you think? Do you agree with these findings in your relationship?

Another study, by San Francisco local researcher Robert-Jay Green, PhD, in the Journal of Homosexuality, reported the same thing, but with a unique slant: There’s a growing body of research that shows that the partner who makes more moneyhas more power in the relationship. But, same sex couples tend to have similar incomes, so there’s less need to struggle over power.

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Couples often ask, “After we’ve had a big argument is it ok to go to bed angry?”

What do you think? Leave us a comment below.

Our answer?

Sure, go to bed angry. Arguments are a re-calibration of some issue in the relationship. You two are trying to fix something and come to a solution.

Arguments are not a bad thing at all, but if they start causing a lot of tension and overwhelm, then we have an additional problem. All relationships have problems. On some level, all relationships should always have arguments. Relationships, though, should not have tension as problems are worked out.

So, is it ok to go to bed angry? Sure, if it facilitates reducing the tension after a difficult argument. It is much better that you go to sleep, wake up more clear-headed, and try your hand again at dealing with the issue. This is a skill we’ve seen couples who last into the long-term do regularly. They sleep on it.

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team