This is a great question, and so I turned to the research literature for some answers. All 20 studies that I read agreed there needs to be more review of this dynamic, but below I present some important findings. The research largely agreed that butch/femme dynamics are not related to relationship satisfaction, and that the butch/femme dynamic is changing due to social influences.

- When you look at butch/femme dynamics and relationship satisfaction, internalized homophobia and discrimination were associated with lower relationship quality and both domestic violence perpetration and victimization. Outness and butch/femme identity were largely unrelated to relationship variables. (Psychology of Women Quarterly, Sep, 2005)

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Why is it so important to have mutually agreed upon ground rules when it comes to disagreements between couples?
- 35 years of research by John Gottman, PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, shows one big

thing: Problems/Arguments do not end relationships, TENSION does. In order to fight fair, you have to find small ways to avoid the tension that can come up during bad fights. Feel free to get angry with each other, but just don’t do the 4 things I outline below.

What are the most important ground rules to establish?

There are 4 main styles of fighting to be avoided, which when accomplished, will lead to a ‘fair’ fight. Couples need to avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and “stonewalling”. (more…)

Do you and your partner avoid conflict?

All human relationships involve some amount of disagreement. It seems that part of being human is to put one’s ideas forward for feedback, and to offer opinion on one another’s ideas. And as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship will tell you, rarely do you always agree.

So how do you and your partner respond when you disagree? (more…)

How can gay couples learn to deal with alcohol and drug abuse?

Let me ask you a difficult question. What you do if you surprisingly found out that your partner had a drug or alcohol problem? Recently several couples have approached us in this very position.

One partner feels totally embarrassed, the other feels lied to.

They usually begin by asking the question, “Should we do couples counseling or does he (or she) need individual therapy?”

Thankfully there is exciting new research coming out about this very topic, conducted by the University of Rochester and Harvard Medical School. The study followed 100 gay and lesbian couples through alcohol treatment. Some did couples counseling, some did individual counseling. (more…)

Is it sometimes good for a couple to take some time off from one another in order to let things calm down?

Yes, sometimes this can be the correct decision if it’s done the right way. Let me tell you a little story.

Several years ago a couple came and visited us during one of our weekend workshops. At home they were experiencing a lot of fights stemming from parenting a teenager. The fights were intense, hurtful, and left both of them feeling flooded and emotionally overwhelmed.

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Did you know that gay couples are kinder to one another when they argue or fight, when compared to straight couples? It’s true, and several recent research studies are all pointing in this direction.

This said, whether you’re gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with their partner.

What defines awful? When you figure out the answer to this question, you’ll know more clearly what to avoid. (more…)