Why is it so important to have mutually agreed upon ground rules when it comes to disagreements between couples?
- 35 years of research by John Gottman, PhD, the country’s leading relationship researcher, shows one big thing: Problems/Arguments do not end relationships, TENSION does. In order to fight fair, you have to find small ways to avoid the tension that can come up during bad fights. Feel free to get angry with each other, but just don’t do the 4 things I outline below.

What are the most important ground rules to establish?

There are 4 main styles of fighting to be avoided, which when accomplished, will lead to a ‘fair’ fight. Couples need to avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and “stonewalling”.

1. Criticism is any talk that involves blame. The way to avoid it is to talk about what you want, not what you don’t want, and talk about yourself, not that infamous “you” word directed at your partner.
2. To avoid getting defensive, the antidote is to find something, if only a small piece, of what your partner said to validate. Validation is not agreeing; it’s saying “I can see how from your perspective you would want _______”.
3. Contempt is name calling, belligerence, or any kind of moralistic stance toward your partner. It has a 94% correlation with divorce, says Gottman, and should just be avoided at all costs.
4. Stonewalling is an act of passive aggression when you put up a wall to your partner. You stonewall when you hang up the phone, walk out of the room yelling “I’m fine, no really I’m FINE!!”, or wringing the newspaper in your partner’s face, pretending to be invested in your reading material.

The biggest reason to avoid these simple 4 things is because they have been shown to escalate tension in an argument. Anger is not the issue; it’s these 4 things that get couples in trouble.

How will these ground rules positively affect the outcome of the argument and the emotional health of the couple?

When couples abide by these ground rules while arguing, all the sudden arguments become more productive. Imagine that. You will actually come to solutions from your conflicts, at least ones that you can try out temporarily, and then reevaluate later if needed.

Do you and your partner avoid conflict?

All human relationships involve some amount of disagreement. It seems that part of being human is to put one’s ideas forward for feedback, and to offer opinion on one another’s ideas. And as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship will tell you, rarely do you always agree.

So how do you and your partner respond when you disagree? (more…)

How can gay couples learn to deal with alcohol and drug abuse?

Let me ask you a difficult question. What you do if you surprisingly found out that your partner had a drug or alcohol problem? Recently several couples have approached us in this very position.

One partner feels totally embarrassed, the other feels lied to.

They usually begin by asking the question, “Should we do couples counseling or does he (or she) need individual therapy?”

Thankfully there is exciting new research coming out about this very topic, conducted by the University of Rochester and Harvard Medical School. The study followed 100 gay and lesbian couples through alcohol treatment. Some did couples counseling, some did individual counseling. (more…)

Is it sometimes good for a couple to take some time off from one another, in order to let things calm down?

Yes, sometimes this can be the correct decision, if it’s done the right way. Let me tell you a little story.

Several years ago a couple came and visited us during one of our weekend workshops. At home they were having a lot of fighting, mainly stemming from parenting a teenager. The fights were intense, hurtful, and left both of them feeling flooded and emotionally overwhelmed.

(more…)

Did you know that gay couples are kinder to one another when they argue or fight, when compared to straight couples? It’s true, and several recent research studies are all pointing in this direction.

This said, whether you’re gay or straight, no one likes to get into an awful argument with their partner.

What defines awful? When you figure out the answer to this question, you’ll know more clearly what to avoid. (more…)

There are four types of communication that escalate the tension when you’re talking with your partner.

They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. (created by John Gottman, PhD)

We’ve learned some interesting things about avoiding criticism recently, which I thought I’d post for you.

Criticism: What is it?

Criticism is using any kind of language that indicates blame. Typically, using the word ‘you’ is the culprit.

- “I can’t believe you didn’t record American Idol for me last night!”

- “You should have called ahead of time for reservations.”

But criticism can also just be touted as negativity, without actually saying the word ‘you’. The blame is alive and well, though. Take a look…

- “This is the third day in a row I had to clean the cat litter!” (If it’s normally your job to do the cat box, the ‘you’ is implied, but clearly heard by the listener.)

- “We should have called for reservations at this restaurant! I’m so pissed right now!” (This person is being defensive off the bat, but it’s clear he’s hunting for blame, and that person is ‘you’.)

So how do you stop criticism in it’s tracks?

Rule 1: Talk About What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want or Didn’t Get. This strategy takes all the negativity and complaining/blame off the table. “I really want the cat litter to be cleaned everyday, okay?” or “I was hoping we could have walked right into the restaurant and sat down at a table.” Notice that it’s still okay to be angry. You’re just avoiding criticism, by removing blame, which is the small component of anger that escalates the tension.

Rule 2: Talk About Yourself, Not About The Other Person. By staying inside your body, and inside your experience, you avoid any kind of attack. “I feel so tired right now, and I was really hoping that the household chores would be finished” or “I’ve been looking forward to eating at this restaurant all day and am now worried we won’t be able to find another good spot.” I’m staying inside my experience, not referencing my partner at all.

These are two simple things that we teach couples in our clinic, and in our workshops. Let us know if we can help.

http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm