In our couples counseling clinic, the most common request is for conflict management skills. In this article you’ll find the four simplest ways to manage conflicts in a way that brings you closer together, rather than splits you apart.

1. Breathe. As silly as it sounds, breathing ends up being one of the smartest things you can do. Why? Because your nervous system is not always trying to help you. Sometimes when your partner is upset, your body instead thinks that your life is in danger, causing an overreaction. When you breathe, your brain gets the oxygen it needs in order to reset itself and see the situation as it really is.
2. Validate. This is not the same as “agree”. What quickly calms one’s partner down is to communicate that you’re following their logic, and that if you were in their shoes you might have a similar reaction. What we’ve found is that once this message is sincerely communicated (without a “but….” at the end), your partner no longer needs to fight for their point of view. You get it. In fact, you not only get it, but you can also see how they came to that conclusion. Now that they no longer have to fight for their point of view, they are now ready to listen to you. (more…)

The most frequent question we receive at our couples workshops and therapist trainings is, “What do you think about monogamy and same sex couples?”

I love this question, and the debate that is circulating right now about the entire topic. On July 3rd, 2011, the New York Times Magazine published a huge article on the topic. The fascinating article included discussion by Dan Savage, one of America’s leading human sexuality journalists, and his feelings on the issue. “Savage says a more flexible attitude within marriage may be just what the straight community needs. Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.”

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Breaks in trust come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Small breaks include those moments when you thought your partner would be there for you, but they let you down.

A simple example includes promising to pick something up from the store on the way home, but forgetting. If this has happened once, maybe you can easily forgive and move on. But what if it has happened ten times? Then we have a different story.

Larger breaks in trust are often big blows to the partnership itself. The classic example is a betrayal, as in an affair, where you feel like your partner compared you to someone else, and that other person was chosen over you. John Gottman, the country’s leading relationship researcher, recently found that when people feel betrayed they begin to ask themselves why they’re with their partner in the first place. “If he’s going to choose that guy over me, why should I even stay?” becomes the inner dialogue of the betrayed partner. This is obviously really detrimental to the partnership.

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When you and your partner have conflict, do you look like a “Dodge Ball” couple, or a “Soccer” couple?

Let me explain the metaphor…

What 35 years of observational research clearly show is that couples who last in the long term are always working to feel like a team. Issues are processed in terms of “How does this affect our team?” and “Are we interacting like members on the same team right now?”

When conflict enters the picture, the question then becomes, what kind of team are you?

Are you a team that kicks a topic around, almost like playfully kicking a soccer ball between both members? This is the atmosphere you want to create when working on conflict. It looks a little like this:
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Let’s talk for a moment about distractibility. More specifically, let’s talk about how attention-deficit symptoms impact relationships. This is a very under-studied topic, yet it seems to impact up to 30% of the couples who come to our San Francisco couple’s clinic. Could attention-deficit symptoms actually be the root cause of problems in your relationship? Take a look at this simple checklist/quiz I created:

• Does your partner pay attention perfectly well to new, novel, highly-stimulating, or frightening things, but has a short attention span for less stimulating ideas?
• Is your partner hypersensitive to the environment? Does he or she need earplugs or a fan to provide ‘white noise’ in order to sleep? Does he or she not like being touched, or react negatively if touched the wrong way?
• Does your partner take on a haphazard approach to chores/tasks, increasing the amount of time it takes to get them done? (more…)

Do you feel like some of your conflicts are gridlocked?

When couples are together for a long time they typically learn to become more mellow about one another’s faults. They also become more accepting of one another and communicate that acceptance.

Amazingly, when you accept your partner’s faults, and your partner perceives that you’re more accepting, her or she is also more likely to accept your shortcomings in return. You have to give in order to get something back.

But things don’t always happen that smoothly, right?

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