Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage in California, was just overturned. Many people have been asking us whether marriage really helps gay/lesbian relationships last long term.

Marriage does help same sex relationships. Here’s two important pieces of evidence:

An important article in the Journal of Developmental Psychology in 2003 followed up with Vermont-based couples who went through civil unions from 2000-2002. It compared those unionized couples with a) their gay un-unionized friends’ relationships, and b) their heterosexual married friends, to see how long the unionized couples stayed together.

It found that the gay/lesbian couples who unionized stayed together at the SAME RATE as their married heterosexual counterparts, and LONGER THAN their friends who had un-unionized relationships. In short, a union that is recognized by the government helps couples stay together longer.

(Are “marriages” better than “civil unions? I haven’t read published research discussing this, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there. One would assume that separate is NOT equal, and if government wants to promote long-lasting relationships, then they should call them the same, with the same benefits, in order to get the same positive outcome.)

Secondly, important research by the country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, showed that couples (gay or straight) last longer when they create meaning together.

What is “meaning”? It’s anything that gives tangible legitimacy to the relationship, and can include moving in together, exchange of rings, developing fun rituals together, putting pictures on the walls, having children, etc. “Marriage” goes into this bucket.

If you think about it, this makes sense.

Your “meaning” is the stuff that stops you from breaking up when things get rough. Before walking out the door, you consider what it would be like to separate belongings, find someone new to develop fun rituals with, and all the new pictures you’d have to take. All your future plans/goals might evaporate. It stops you in your tracks.

Remember, “gay marriage” also offers the potential for “gay divorce”, but this isn’t such a bad thing, because the thought of having to divorce might stop you in your tracks, long enough to get help from a counselor or advisor who knows their stuff.

The Gay Couples Institute will be celebrating the Prop 8 Overturn Victory at our Gay Date Night event this Saturday in SF. Come join us for free!

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Let’s face it, the current economic crisis can be stressful for any couple, and for same-sex couples, who aren’t offered the same financial protections that straight, married couples benefit from, it can be even more so.  That’s one of the reasons that the Gay Couples Institute and Johnny Huang, financial representative from Northwestern Mutual, are teaming up to offer a free workshop for gay couples, “Recession-Proof Your Relationship.”

Talking about and negotiating money issues can be difficult, and in truth many couples try to avoid it, but according to Salvatore Garanzini of the Gay Couples Institute, “Couples who successfully discuss money issues and create a financial plan together end up staying together longer.” Therapists call this creating “shared meaning”, and having more shared meaning helps couples put day-to-day conflicts in perspective and help them deescalate conflict easier. 

During the workshop, Salvatore will discuss why and how to have successful financial discussions with your partner.  Johnny Huang from Northwestern Mutual will be discussing what couples should learn from the financial crisis and specific actions gay and lesbian couples can take to protect and enhance their financial future.

The workshop will be offered on April 20, at 7:00pm. Seating is limited, so please call in advance at 877.424.1221 to reserve your space or if you have any questions. 

Obviously when you marry you never think you might be sitting in a divorce attorney’s office dividing your assets. Who would want to think such things?

But it can happen. So now that gay couples can marry in some states, how can gay couples take on the responsibility of trying to stay together?

I found a few good gay pre-marital suggestions from hunting around through the research.

1. Ideally, get married after about 2 years of courtship. The ideal courtship length seems to be about 2 years and 4 months, to be exact.
2. Marry after age 25.
3. Talk about the big issues before marrying. How many kids does he want? How does she handle money? Are you sexually compatible? Couples tend to have one of these 6 common problems to deal with throughout their marriage:
   • Money
   • Sex
   • Parenting
   • Getting along with In-Laws
   • Tidiness/Chores
   • Use of Personal Free Time
4. Do stuff together, but also enjoy spending time at home together. One of the important things we look at when evaluating a couple’s relationship is whether, if given the option, they like spending time at home together, or if they’d rather be on the go. A preference of being on the go can be an indication that they’re avoiding being trapped together at home.
5. Have issues? Get help. A recent New York Times Article talked about how couples tend to get the most out of doing a couples workshop, rather than going to just therapy by itself. Workshops can serve as a good relationship “checkup”. If you’re interested, take a look at one of our coming gay couples workshops HERE.

For those of you who are getting married, we wish you a long-lasting, happy marriage. Congratulations!

In 2000, Vermont was the first state to legalize same-sex relationships, so that heterosexual and same-sex couples had the same legal rights. Published in February in Developmental Psychology was the first longitudinal study completed to examine same-sex couples in civil unions.

Researchers had 65 male and 138 female couples participate in the follow up study. Where do you think they are now? Are they still together? (more…)