Wow.
In the first study of it’s kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships.
More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30!
Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New York City, which has a high gay and lesbian population.
This finding is in line with an article from 2006 posted on this blog where University of Windsor, Ontario, researchers found that young gay men in Toronto also championed monogamous relationship views.
In a recent email from the author, Dr. Barry Adam,
- Monogamy, as a firmly held principle for organizing relationships, appears to be more common among men in early stages of relationship development, younger men who refer to heterosexual models, and men whose formative years were passed in cultures with no, or limited, autonomous gay worlds. (pp 12-13)My study, which was based in Toronto, also involved young men from a large city. The common element here seems to be that young men, whether in large cities or not, are socialized into hetero models of relationship. Only with experience in the gay world do alternatives come into focus.
Maybe the tide is shifting toward monogamy for the younger generations?
- Gay Couples Institute Research Team
Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt you were doing all the work? Many people can relate to this at some point. It’s frustrating.
Recently someone mentioned, “I have been putting so much effort into this amazing girl that I met. When we’re together she says she wants the same things as I do. I see so much of a future. But lately I’ve noticed less interest on her part. I call her and she takes a day to call back. To top it off, she’s not out to her family, so when they come to spend time with her I basically get dumped, not hearing anything all week. What’s up with that?”
How would you deal with this situation???
The problem here is the concept of ‘turning toward’. Each time you call her you’re making a bid for her attention. Each time she acknowledges it, the relationship is strengthened. Each time she bids for your attention, even in the smallest way, and you acknowledge it, the relationship is strengthened. It’s like a tennis match; it takes two people to keep the ball going.
The research has shown that couples who have long successful relationships acknowledge each others bids 87% of the time! That’s a lot! Realistically, it’s probably asking too much that someone you just met turn toward you 87% of the time, but over time it should grow to that level.
John Gottman wrote a great book about this, The Relationship Cure. Take A Look Here
Couples tend toward breakup or divorce once the bids are acknowledged (turned toward) less that 50% of the time. Think of a tennis match where one player returns the ball half the time; it gets pretty boring. No wonder it’s so frustrating when your girlfriend doesn’t call you back.
- The Gay Couples Institute Research Team
So you’ve been on a couple dates and things are going great. You’re excited, and you hope your date is too.
Then a couple days go by and you get texted…. “I can’t hang out Friday night…” or “Really busy this week can I call you next week?”
By now, you’re wondering: Oh My God, he/she is so great, are they losing interest? What do I do? I don’t want to pester anyone, but I want this one to work out!
Are you getting the cold shoulder???
The Gay Couples Institute is continuing John Gottman’s research on gay/lesbian relationships. Here’s a little of what we know so far about dating and relationships.
Couples begin by building their friendship. You should concentrate on this too! There are three tasks to accomplish during this stage:
- Get to know each other. What does he do all week? What activities does he enjoy? What’s her family like? Who were his best friends in high school? What was it like for him to come out? You and your date will grow closer as you know each other’s background.
- To develop a fondness for each other. What makes him unique? What hobbies or personal interests does she have that make you think “Wow, she’s really cool.”
- When your date makes an overture for your attention, turn toward it (acknowledge it) immediately. These consistent acknowledgements contribute to the “emotional bank account” that exists between the two of you. It’s a way of keeping the ball in play, the conversation moving forward. When you get a text message or phone call, respond. No game playing.
So what to do when he’s not turning toward you very often?
- Relax. Your job is to turn toward him when he bids for your attention. You’re doing plenty to increase the bank account.
- Don’t make too big of a deposit into your ‘bank account’ too early. Roses can be a BIG ‘turn toward’ your date, but on the first date this may be a bit much. Small bids in the beginning accomplish more. You can: Ask your date about themselves (show you’re interested - #1 above), show up on time (accomplishing #3), and compliment him/her on what makes them interesting (#2 above).
We’re here to help. If you’re looking to nurture your new relationship, or you’ve been together a while but need a re-charge to your friendship, the Gay Couples Institute has created a couples workshop so that you can both start off on solid footing. Take a look here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm
Sometimes it’s really difficult to meet other gay couples.
The bar scene doesn’t always work well, and the gym can be kind of a solitary experience. Other times single friends pull away from couples because they a) are tired of hearing about how in love you are, or b) are tired of watching you nag each other all the time.
One growing organization dedicated to connecting gay couples with each other is www.Meetgaycouples.com. Their ‘about’ page is kind of cool:
- “We know first hand that it’s often difficult for gay couples to meet other gay couples. We tried various internet groups and websites, but came to realize they’re mostly just a marketplace for porn sites, mortgages and erectile dysfunction aids.”
Go make some new friends! Check them out and let us know what you think.
Other Groups for Same Sex Couples:
- http://www.sfgayoutdoors.com/ SF Gay Outdoors Group
- http://www.sfcouples.com/ SF Couples
- http://www.sfgay.org/ Ongoing Bay Area LGBT Events
- http://www.ourfamily.org/about Our Family Coalition - LGBT Parents (GCI is proud to frequently give workshops for Our Family Coalition)
- http://www.discovery-community.org/ Social Organization for Gay Singles and Couples
- Gay Couples Institute Research Team
Just coming out?
Maybe this article will be good for you to read.
Researchers at the University of Kentucky in Lexington surveyed over 500 gay men and women, inquiring about the positive aspects of being gay. Up until now, most of the research has focused on psychopathology, or negative mental health problems associated with being gay or lesbian.
But many gays and lesbians will tell you that there are positive aspects of such a life. In fact, they found 10 universal themes:
- Belonging to a community
- Creating families of choice
- Forging strong connections with others
- Serving as positive role models
- Developing empathy and compassion
- Living authentically and honestly
- Gaining personal insight and sense of self
- Involvement in social justice and activism
- Freedom from gender-specific roles
- Freedom to explore sexuality and relationships
What are some positive aspects you’ve noticed for yourself?
Many gays and lesbians enjoy the lack of “rules” about how to live one’s life. Some would argue that heterosexuals are raised to start dating in their teens, marry in their 20’s, and have children by age 30. The in-laws often start dropping the hint that they want a grandchild if you’re approaching 40 and haven’t had a child, right?
Nevertheless, gays and lesbians get to choose whether this life is right for them, and this freedom opens up possibilities for a happier life.
- Gay Couples Institute Research Team
Riggle, Ellen D. B.; Whitman, Joy S.; Olson, Amber; Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Vol 39(2), Apr 2008. pp. 210-217.
