Obviously when you marry you never think you might be sitting in a divorce attorney’s office dividing your assets. Who would want to think such things?

But it can happen. So now that gay couples can marry in some states, how can gay couples take on the responsibility of trying to stay together?

I found a few good gay pre-marital suggestions from hunting around through the research.

1. Ideally, get married after about 2 years of courtship. The ideal courtship length seems to be about 2 years and 4 months, to be exact.
2. Marry after age 25.
3. Talk about the big issues before marrying. How many kids does he want? How does she handle money? Are you sexually compatible? Couples tend to have one of these 6 common problems to deal with throughout their marriage:
   • Money
   • Sex
   • Parenting
   • Getting along with In-Laws
   • Tidiness/Chores
   • Use of Personal Free Time
4. Do stuff together, but also enjoy spending time at home together. One of the important things we look at when evaluating a couple’s relationship is whether, if given the option, they like spending time at home together, or if they’d rather be on the go. A preference of being on the go can be an indication that they’re avoiding being trapped together at home.
5. Have issues? Get help. A recent New York Times Article talked about how couples tend to get the most out of doing a couples workshop, rather than going to just therapy by itself. Workshops can serve as a good relationship “checkup”. If you’re interested, take a look at one of our coming gay couples workshops HERE.

For those of you who are getting married, we wish you a long-lasting, happy marriage. Congratulations!

Many couples in gay relationships struggle with stopping arguments. But are arguments really something to be avoided?

The country’s leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has found in his 30 years of observational research that all relationships have disagreements, and even arguments at some point.

Arguments, by themselves, are not correlated with breakup, separation, or divorce. He found that all couples will, at some point during an argument:

• get defensive
• criticize one another
• get overwhelmed and walk away.

So should gay couples worry about these communication rough spots? Not really, BUT there is one pattern of communication you should avoid: contempt.

John Gottman defines contempt as basically talking down to your partner, like they’re a child who has done something wrong. Contempt has over a 90% correlation with separation/divorce.

So what does contempt look like?

(more…)

Wow.

In the first study of it’s kind, social scientists have learned that gay and lesbian youth want monogamous long-term relationships.

More than 90% of females, and over 80% of males expect to partnered in a monogamous relationship by age 30!

Interestingly, the 133 gay/lesbian youth interviewed for the study were in New York City, which has a high gay and lesbian population.

This finding is in line with an article from 2006 posted on this blog where University of Windsor, Ontario, researchers found that young gay men in Toronto also championed monogamous relationship views.

In a recent email from the author, Dr. Barry Adam,

• Monogamy, as a firmly held principle for organizing relationships, appears to be more common among men in early stages of relationship development, younger men who refer to heterosexual models, and men whose formative years were passed in cultures with no, or limited, autonomous gay worlds. (pp 12-13)My study, which was based in Toronto, also involved young men from a large city. The common element here seems to be that young men, whether in large cities or not, are socialized into hetero models of relationship. Only with experience in the gay world do alternatives come into focus.

Maybe the tide is shifting toward monogamy for the younger generations?

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt you were doing all the work? Many people can relate to this at some point. It’s frustrating.

Recently someone mentioned, “I have been putting so much effort into this amazing girl that I met. When we’re together she says she wants the same things as I do. I see so much of a future. But lately I’ve noticed less interest on her part. I call her and she takes a day to call back. To top it off, she’s not out to her family, so when they come to spend time with her I basically get dumped, not hearing anything all week. What’s up with that?”

How would you deal with this situation???

The problem here is the concept of ‘turning toward’. Each time you call her you’re making a bid for her attention. Each time she acknowledges it, the relationship is strengthened. Each time she bids for your attention, even in the smallest way, and you acknowledge it, the relationship is strengthened. It’s like a tennis match; it takes two people to keep the ball going.

The research has shown that couples who have long successful relationships acknowledge each others bids 87% of the time! That’s a lot! Realistically, it’s probably asking too much that someone you just met turn toward you 87% of the time, but over time it should grow to that level.

John Gottman wrote a great book about this, The Relationship Cure. Take A Look Here

Couples tend toward breakup or divorce once the bids are acknowledged (turned toward) less that 50% of the time. Think of a tennis match where one player returns the ball half the time; it gets pretty boring. No wonder it’s so frustrating when your girlfriend doesn’t call you back.

- The Gay Couples Institute Research Team

So you’ve been on a couple dates and things are going great. You’re excited, and you hope your date is too.

Then a couple days go by and you get texted…. “I can’t hang out Friday night…” or “Really busy this week can I call you next week?”

By now, you’re wondering: Oh My God, he/she is so great, are they losing interest? What do I do? I don’t want to pester anyone, but I want this one to work out!

The Gay Couples Institute is continuing John Gottman’s research on gay/lesbian relationships. Here’s a little of what we know so far about dating and relationships.

Couples begin by building their friendship. You should concentrate on this too! There are three tasks to accomplish during this stage:

1. Get to know each other. What does he do all week? What activities does he enjoy? What’s her family like? Who were his best friends in high school? What was it like for him to come out? You and your date will grow closer as you know each other’s background.
2. To develop a fondness for each other. What makes him unique? What hobbies or personal interests does she have that make you think “Wow, she’s really cool.”
3. When your date makes an overture for your attention, turn toward it (acknowledge it) immediately. These consistent acknowledgements contribute to the “emotional bank account” that exists between the two of you. It’s a way of keeping the ball in play, the conversation moving forward. When you get a text message or phone call, respond. No game playing.

So what to do when he’s not turning toward you very often?

1. Relax. Your job is to turn toward him when he bids for your attention. You’re doing plenty to increase the bank account.
2. Don’t make too big of a deposit into your ‘bank account’ too early. Roses can be a BIG ‘turn toward’ your date, but on the first date this may be a bit much. Small bids in the beginning accomplish more. You can: Ask your date about themselves (show you’re interested - #1 above), show up on time (accomplishing #3), and compliment him/her on what makes them interesting (#2 above).

We’re here to help. If you’re looking to nurture the friendship of your new relationship, or you’ve been together a while but need a re-charge to your friendship, the Gay Couples Institute is having our first web seminar about dating on May 20th, which specifically addresses this further. Sign up here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshops.htm

Sincerely,

Gay Couples Institute Research Team

Sometimes it’s really difficult to meet other gay couples.

The bar scene doesn’t always work well. Couples often complain that while in a bar or club they’ll meet someone, thinking that person might be a good friend to them both. Then it quickly becomes obvious that the new guy actually is hoping for a three-way, not interested in friendship at all.

Have you had the same experience?

Other times single friends pull away from couples because they a) are tired of hearing about how in love you are, or b) are tired of watching you nag each other all the time.

One growing organization dedicated to connecting gay couples with each other is www.Meetgaycouples.com. Their ‘about’ page is kind of cool:

• “We know first hand that it’s often difficult for gay couples to meet other gay couples. We tried various internet groups and websites, but came to realize they’re mostly just a marketplace for porn sites, mortgages and erectile dysfunction aids.”

Go make some new friends! Check them out and let us know what you think.

- Gay Couples Institute Research Team