A Note From A Reader: “My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We both come from divorced hetro marriages. My problem is the lack of romance. 
His version of intimacy is “hey, I’ve got a hard on, you want to F#&K? For me that’s ok some of the time, but I want to be seduced and romanced. The sex that follows is amazing, yet he tells me he doesn’t know how???? Are you kidding me? after 14 years?? Please help me!”
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The most frequent question we receive at our couples workshops and therapist trainings is, “What do you think about monogamy and same sex couples?”
I love this question, and the debate that is circulating right now about the entire topic. On July 3rd, 2011, the New York Times Magazine published a huge article on the topic. The fascinating article included discussion by Dan Savage, one of America’s leading human sexuality journalists, and his feelings on the issue. “Savage says a more flexible attitude within marriage may be just what the straight community needs. Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.”
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Relationship intimacy works kind of like a ladder. You both start at the bottom, making low-cost bids for emotional intimacy.
These bids for intimacy include holding hands, touching, and sharing some softer feelings. If these bids are responded to well by your partner, you go up the ladder, toward higher-cost bids. These bids have more vulnerability attached to them, like expressions of love, commitment, bonding, and attachment.
Here’s 7 ways to increase your intimacy, and go up the ladder together:
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February 10, 2011
Gregory Godek’s book “1001 Ways To Be Romantic” lists new and creative ways to spice up your romantic life. Seems kind of interesting, right?
One of the suggestions in the book is to give your partner a locket with your picture in it.
So let me ask you a brief question:
If you haven’t told your partner that you love him or her in years, haven’t sincerely asked about your partner’s hopes and fears in years, nor given out a legitimate complement, is your partner going to appreciate a locket with your picture in it?!?!?!
Probably not.
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Let’s talk for a moment about distractibility. More specifically, let’s talk about how attention-deficit 
symptoms impact relationships. This is a very under-studied topic, yet it seems to impact up to 30% of the couples who come to our San Francisco couple’s clinic. Could attention-deficit symptoms actually be the root cause of problems in your relationship? Take a look at this simple checklist/quiz I created:
- Does your partner pay attention perfectly well to new, novel, highly-stimulating, or frightening things, but has a short attention span for less stimulating ideas?
- Is your partner hypersensitive to the environment? Does he or she need earplugs or a fan to provide ‘white noise’ in order to sleep? Does he or she not like being touched, or react negatively if touched the wrong way?
- Does your partner take on a haphazard approach to chores/tasks, increasing the amount of time it takes to get them done? (more…)
This is a great question, and so I turned to the research literature for some answers. All 20 studies that I read agreed there needs to be more review of this dynamic, but below I present some important findings. The research largely agreed that butch/femme dynamics are not related to relationship satisfaction, and that the butch/femme dynamic is changing due to social influences.
- When you look at butch/femme dynamics and relationship satisfaction, internalized homophobia and discrimination were associated with lower relationship quality and both domestic violence perpetration and victimization. Outness and butch/femme identity were largely unrelated to relationship variables. (Psychology of Women Quarterly, Sep, 2005)
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