One of the best books out there on infidelity is “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s written toward heterosexual couples, but many of the same premises apply. A big part of our work at the Gay Couples Institute is helping couples successfully recover from affairs and other breaks in trust. 

Some good things to keep in mind, from Shirley Glass’ book:

• Only 10% will marry their affair partner. The chances you’ll have a long, successful relationship with your affair partner are 1% or 2%.
• Women are more likely to abandon the primary relationship after only one liaison with an affair partner. Men need a serious relationship with the affair partner before divorcing the primary partner. 
• Women are more likely to have affairs with someone familiar: Old flames, friends, or neighbors. 
• Most affairs are happening at work.
• As many women are having affairs as men.
• Online chatting is a real problem: It creates a real or imagined emotional connection with the affair partner.
• 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved. Only 3% of women said the same.
• No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel. National Geographic reports that the secrecy and newness of the affair relationship create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feel like love.
• Actually, there is little reality to the affair because both partners are not in their normal environments. They end up hiding more realistic parts of themselves as they work to hide the affair itself. 
• The most predictive emotional cue is not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner anymore. 

 
The good news: Most couples will successfully recover from the affair! Many couples are able to spring off of the affair in order to bring the relationship even closer. Next time I’ll explain more about how this is accomplished.