Infidelity: How To Get Over It (Part 1)
One of the best books out there on infidelity is “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s written toward heterosexual couples, but many of the same premises apply. A big part of our work at the Gay Couples Institute is helping couples successfully recover from affairs and other breaks in trust.
Some good things to keep in mind, from Shirley Glass’ book:
- Only 10% will marry their affair partner. The chances you’ll have a long, successful relationship with your affair partner are 1% or 2%.
- Women are more likely to abandon the primary relationship after only one liaison with an affair partner. Men need a serious relationship with the affair partner before divorcing the primary partner.
- Women are more likely to have affairs with someone familiar: Old flames, friends, or neighbors.
- Most affairs are happening at work.
- As many women are having affairs as men.
- Online chatting is a real problem: It creates a real or imagined emotional connection with the affair partner.
- 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved. Only 3% of women said the same.
- No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel. National Geographic reports that the secrecy and newness of the affair relationship create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feel like love.
- Actually, there is little reality to the affair because both partners are not in their normal environments. They end up hiding more realistic parts of themselves as they work to hide the affair itself.
- The most predictive emotional cue is not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner anymore.
The good news: Most couples will successfully recover from the affair! Many couples are able to spring off of the affair in order to bring the relationship even closer. Next time I’ll explain more about how this is accomplished.
Please tell us all how in the world do you trust that person again. The marriage/partnership will never be the same. You spout that it will be better???? once a cheater always a cheater.
Comment by Joan — May 21, 2009 @ 10:42 am
Not necessarily. I cheated on my partner, and it caused a great breach in the trust. But we love each other, remained committed, and did a lot of work to heal the damage, and recovered from it. It did take time to restore the trust, but we were successful. We found that I cheated because certain of my needs were not being met in the relationship. They now are, and I no longer have any desire to cheat at all. The saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is not necessarily always true.
Comment by David — August 13, 2010 @ 9:45 pm
“Not Just Friends ” is a good book. But, “The Monogamy Myth,” by Peggy Vaughan, is a GREAT book! Regardless of sexual orientation, anyone dealing with infidelity would do well to read, and re-read this book. BTW, she is considered the leading expert on the topic of infidelity in the world today. Once you see her material, which is so helpful for recovering from an affair, you will see why.
Comment by jim — March 10, 2011 @ 7:11 am
My long time partner recently told me she wants to have sex with someone else, but doesn’t want to split up………this isn’t even an option as far as I am concerned. She has a new job and goes out with co-workers and does not want me along. I love her very much and don’t want to lose her, but I will not be a doormat either. What can we do other than giving her a green light on sleeping around?
Comment by PH — July 2, 2011 @ 2:10 pm
Hi PH, this isn’t a good sign at all. She’s making a decision unilaterally, which isn’t consistent of couples who work well with issues. In fact, unilateral decisions have about an 81% chance of ended a relationship. Probably want to talk with her about this, and figure out how to make this more of a “team” decision.
Comment by admin — July 3, 2011 @ 1:14 pm