Your Top Relationship Concerns?

Two quick questions:

What are your top two relationship desires?
Do you have any suggestions about topics we should cover in coming workshops or seminars?

We’ve been asking gay couples these questions for months now; below are many of the responses. Post your answers in the comments below. We read your suggestions to come up with new methods to help couples keep their relationship strong. Thanks!

50 Comments Received So Far… »

Coming out to your parents and introducing your new boyfriend. How do you do this?Comment by Not out yet — April 7, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
Is it cheating when your boyfriend flirts and chats with other guys online? How do I make that work with him?Comment by AG — April 9, 2008 @ 10:56 am
How do I stop judging my boyfriend and appreciate him?
How do I deal w my attraction to other people?

Comment by anon — April 16, 2008 @ 12:08 pm
1. How can I promote better communication with my partner?2. How can we nip conflicts in the bud? How can we prevent getting to the place where we lose control and possibly say things that we would later regret?Comment by Anonymous — April 19, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
Sharing finances when you make considerably more than your boyfriend.Comment by Vic — April 22, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
I hate my girlfriend’s ex but love my girl, how can I get her to get out of our life without getting my girl upset?Comment by Georgia — April 29, 2008 @ 7:07 pm
With more and more people meeting online through the multiple websites out there, are we not socializing in ‘real time’ anymore? I would like to ask an expert how technology impacts our current and future social behavior.Comment by ST — April 30, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
Sexual exploration: What the bleep?! My girlfriend just told me she is into kink.Comment by Surprised! — May 1, 2008 @ 9:18 am
What to do when the sex part of your relationship does not satisfy you at all.Things you’re used to do sexually, you’re limited with your present bf because his sex drive is not the same as yours?How to experiment with opening the relationship.Comment by jj133 — May 2, 2008 @ 9:18 am
I’m walking into a relationship where my girlfriend already has kids. I’m not sure how this is all going to work. How do you make it work?Comment by Elle — May 4, 2008 @ 9:11 am
Managing long distance relationshipsComment by tty — May 5, 2008 @ 8:12 am
I would like to know how risky it is to be dating someone who just got out of a long-term relationship. Am I his rebound? What do I do to make sure we do the work upfront to make it last?Comment by Franklin — May 9, 2008 @ 7:09 am
How do you make sure both people are on the same page when you decide to open the relationship? Do they even work? How do you set boundaries? Is it basically “cheating”?Comment by Anonymous — May 10, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
How do you navigate through the challenges of dating someone who is HIV+ when you are HIV-?Comment by Dave — May 13, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Overcoming your partner’s cheating … can we still stay together?Comment by Tony — May 16, 2008 @ 1:35 pm
What’s the best way to confront your partner with a suspicion of cheating?Comment by Kyle — May 20, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
what tips can you give me on how to make time for your boyfriends friends. i’m committed for the long haul, but i don’t want to be seen as the guy who stole his boyfriend away from all his friends.Comment by SD — May 20, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
Suggestions 2, 3, and 4 are my favorites — especially resolving conflicts before geting to the ‘explosion’ part.I also catch myself judging him, then judging myself for judging him. How do I get past judging either of us? And how do I distinguish negative judgements from reasonable assessments?Comment by WantItToWork — May 21, 2008 @ 12:47 am
-How to talk about money when we do not share finances yet there is an inbalance in income-Addressing issues of open relationship versus monogamy. Safe sex in HIV-/HIV+ relationshipComment by In NY — May 21, 2008 @ 6:55 am
My boyfriend has kids from a previous marriage, and is unsure as to whether he wants to have more with me. How have other couples worked through such an issue?Comment by TryingHard — May 22, 2008 @ 8:00 am
My longtime partner and I want to stay together but are struggling. He refuses to be faithful to me because he has ‘fallen in love’ with a second man in addition to me and their relationship is also sexual. That alone nearly pushed me to suicide in recent months but I am somewhat less despairing now. Meanwhile, I am faithful to him and am waiting for him to end the other relationship, which he says often is right about to end. Also, I am the sole breadwinner but he manages our household finances and is now hiding from me virtually every detail of them — in part, I suspect, because he might be lavishing money from my paycheck on his boyfriend. Am I a fool to try to salvage this relationship and hope my partner might become again the man I committed my life to? Should I be patient and let him get this all out of his system so he can move forward in his life in a positive way?Comment by Anonymous — May 27, 2008 @ 11:11 am
I’ve personally known a few couples with open relationships that seemed to be some of the most loving and caring relationships around. Is it just me, or do open relationships occur more frequently with men? If so, any ideas why? If an individual in a couple does not feel comfortable with opening their relationship, does this reflect insecurities, issues of control, or could they just be old-fashioned?Comment by Sarah — May 28, 2008 @ 6:51 am
My partner and I just ended our eight-year relationship. I’ve been in other relationships that ended after 1-2 years, and this break-up has me reeling. Most break-up columns and advice seem to be directed toward shorter-term relationships. Is there really a difference in a break-up after a couple of years and a break-up after almost a decade?Comment by Matthew — June 10, 2008 @ 3:01 pm
I’m 63 years old. My partner is 74 years old. We’ve been together for eight months and our relationship is loving, exciting, and sexually amazing. We’ve both been out for over 30 years. We find it aggravating that very little attention is given to the relationships of Lesbians of our age unless the couple has been together for eons. We’d like to see any topic relating to older women newly in love. P.S. Some of us still look hot in a bikini!Comment by admin — June 27, 2008 @ 6:29 am
My suggestion: sexual addiction, addiction to porn, using the internet effectively to find men to date, being real/open/honest on internet chat sites, public displays of affection, being an out couple at work, dealing with homophobic or unsupportive familyComment by admin — July 3, 2008 @ 6:30 am
Dealing with unaccepting parents…Comment by Vegas — August 5, 2008 @ 11:50 am |
Couple in 25 yr rel…sexual habits of long termers and open vs. monag. Comment by Long Term — August 5, 2008 @ 11:51 am |
What about a topic around what to do if you think you’re falling out of love with your boyfriend. Comment by Out of Towner who would fly in — August 5, 2008 @ 1:54 pm |
My girlfriend gets angry a lot and quickly. All our talks end in an argument. I’m not sure how to talk to her without it always escalating. How do I talk to her without her getting so angry all the time? Comment by Liv — August 5, 2008 @ 2:04 pm |
I find myself constantly beating girlfriends to everything… in other words, I have to be the first at everything. I know I’m trying to control things… I’ll organize and clean, I’ll have the best way to do things, I’ll be the most thoughtful, I’ll never forget important dates and info when she does… I know I do this to secretly feel superior. How can I stop the insanity?!! I hate the feeling I get when I catch myself and the appreciation she expresses never feels deserved. I thinks she and I BOTH resent me! Do I have to talk to her about this?!! And admit I’m a headcase? OR can I just manage it better? Comment by control~freaque — August 6, 2008 @ 8:44 pm |
How can couples navigate the pitfalls of opening up their relationship sexually and emotionally?
What are some techniques for re-igniting the passion once it’s lost in a relationship? How to move from apathy to re-engagement? Comment by Michael — August 7, 2008 @ 8:20 am |
I have been in a relationship for a year in a half in which both I and my partner are tops. He tried being bottom a couple of times and could not go through with it. He is psychologically distressed by the mere thought of it. To be clear, he has legitimate reasons for feeling this way and so I do not blame him for his refusal. I am not so distressed by the thought of bottoming, so I am always the bottom in our relationship. I do get some enjoyment out of bottoming for him because of the joy I feel just being with him, but I often feel sexually frustrated by the desire to top which I can no longer satisfy and which is to me more enjoyable. I often feel that I ought to just end it with him and seek someone with whom I am more sexually compatible, but then again I love him so much I feel guilty for even considering breaking up over something like this. But I wonder if I might not be happier in the long run if I ended it and found someone with whom to form a relationship with a strong emotional attachment like the one I have now but which is also not accompanied by sexual frustration. What should I do?! Comment by LD — August 12, 2008 @ 9:09 am |
Can you cover some good boundry and healthy (if there is such a thing) guide lines for having an open relationship. My Partner is kinda pushing for this I’m not sure it’s the way to go. Thanks. Comment by GG in SF — August 13, 2008 @ 3:08 pm |
We need to contribute better to mutual responsibilities, and just find more partnership. Comment by GR — September 7, 2008 @ 8:33 am |
Financial stability, how to have Better sex Comment by Tony D — September 19, 2008 @ 8:16 am |
Have better sex Learn to communicate better Comment by me — September 22, 2008 @ 8:17 am |
sexual desire/passion, and increasing intimacy. it used to be good but changed. Comment by 311girl — September 28, 2008 @ 8:18 am |
Learn communication better. How to have sex in our relationship again. These would be top two things I’d like to see happen. Comment by SFBAC — October 1, 2008 @ 8:19 am |
We need to stop arguing, and learn to communicate. Seriously. Comment by stop it! — October 3, 2008 @ 8:22 am |
If I could have two things, it’d be to stop arguing, and see more affection. Comment by LAsportsclub — October 4, 2008 @ 8:23 am |
I want to get the support I need to finish a career. I want to be able to let my feelings out and demonstrate them to my partner. Comment by OffTrack — October 7, 2008 @ 1:24 am |
I’d like better sex, and even an open relationship. We’re lacking an ability to emotionally/spiritually communicate. I’m getting tired of it all. Comment by anonymousdude — October 9, 2008 @ 11:25 am |
Trust and support. Comment by not me — October 11, 2008 @ 8:25 am |
We need to stop arguing. learn how to trust. Recover from affair. Comment by fresnosucks — October 13, 2008 @ 4:26 am |
have better sex and stop arguing Comment by north bay TTY — October 14, 2008 @ 7:26 am |
Stop all the arguing and anger toward one another. Learn to communicate better with one another better and really undertand what the other person is saying and why they are saying or feeling the way that they do. Comment by DowntownSFguy — October 20, 2008 @ 12:27 pm |
1 mutual respect, 2 better communication Comment by castro76522 — October 26, 2008 @ 3:27 am |
We need long term relationship fidelity. We’re both stepping out on this relationship and not talking about it. Comment by this isn’t working — October 28, 2008 @ 8:33 am |
Better sex when dealing with different libidos/interests. Focusing attention toward each other vs looking outside. Trust. Honesty. Jealousy. Aging and its impact on our relationship. Comment by Castroguy — October 28, 2008 @ 9:29 am |

35 Comments »

The big issues:

Communicating both good and the bad
Money
Sex and how often

Comment by Ramble Redhead — October 31, 2008 @ 8:01 am

1) Top two relationship desires: be “compatible” in a way that allows for differences of opinion yet still makes a working relationship AND be open to talking about sex

Comment by JM in SF — October 31, 2008 @ 1:19 pm

learn to communicate and to progress in life

Comment by tea415 — November 16, 2008 @ 7:02 am

have better sex
sort out sex with other guys

Comment by playa — November 20, 2008 @ 7:02 am

stop arguing and feel less controlling

Comment by TRO — November 22, 2008 @ 7:01 am

have better sex, more intimacy

Comment by admin — November 22, 2008 @ 7:11 am

we need to learn to communicate. he says I cheated on him by kissing someone else and there’s no trust

Comment by Anonymous — November 29, 2008 @ 11:20 am

If i could have anything, I’d wish for better sex, better communication

Comment by Anonymous — December 8, 2008 @ 11:17 am

I don’t know if it is possible but how do you deal with a discrepancy in the need for emotional intimacy and affection between two partners? How do you deal with differences in personalisy as far as extroversion and intoversion between two partners?

Comment by Anonymous — December 8, 2008 @ 3:06 pm

I broke up with my partner about 6 months ago. It was not an easy break up and I have had no further contact with my partner since. I have had a couple of relationships (other than the most recent one) and I remain good friends with each of my ex-partners. We remain friends and still care for each other and understand that we will care and love each other - just in a different way. This made the process of breaking up easier to understand for both of us and we still enjoy each others friendship today. My sudden and unpleasant break with my most recent partner pains me and I am sure him. I am considering making contact again but do not want to be hurt further or hurt him. Can you suggest strategies to develop an ongoing friendship after your relationship has ended?

Comment by jam — December 8, 2008 @ 4:40 pm

I would like to hear about rebuilding a relationship which has been kinda crushed. When there are still feelings of affection and love for each other, are there steps to regain trust? Or is there a way to rebuild a foundation for a relationship?

Comment by Brian — December 11, 2008 @ 11:46 pm

My partner and I have a great relationship, based on trust and committment. We rarely fight and when we do, we use constructive comments and try not to carry any grudges afterwards.
Our problem is that the excitement is simply not there. We have grown too comfortable, too predictable and too busy to invest in quality time and intimate caring. Our focus is our careers, our financial stability, and our future plans. Nothing is about us as a loving couple. We have become our parents….

Comment by Ric Williams — December 12, 2008 @ 9:07 am

My partner and I have been together (mostly happily) for 13 years. We have a toddler now. Things have started to deteriorate between us in the last year. How do you rebuild a relationship after you start drifting apart? How do you rekindle a romance when you have nothing left to give?

Comment by Not hopeful — December 12, 2008 @ 9:43 am

In the last 6 weeks my bf of nearly 8 months has commented he´s been reminiscing over his past relationship with his ex-bf (they broke up October last year). He also tells me he doesn´t like dwelling on those memories. I´d like to ask him what he thinks is triggering this and wouldn´t wish him to get defensive. Thanks

Comment by Pablo Fernández-Arias — December 12, 2008 @ 10:11 am

i want to ask my partner about some rules of the road we’ve started to work on … because i think he’s already engaging in these rules of the road w/o our having talked about them, negotiated them, compromised, etc. how might i broach these subjects? the need to discuss and my supposition about his use of the rules before they’ve been set?

Comment by kevin — December 12, 2008 @ 2:39 pm

I’m mostly concerned with continuing on building trust and respect for each other in a relationship. I know relationships evolve, but I think it’s important to keep a relationship green and I find that by trying to do so I keep taking one step forward and two steps back. I want to know how others keep growing and learning with their partners.

Comment by Brian — December 13, 2008 @ 12:01 am

Salvatore,
I finally made the time to check the video.. I apologize.

I was wondering though how non-verbal communication between partners tanslates to verbal and either cements the daily conflicts or manages to provide a patch the situation.

Example-”The rolled eyes I made was not about your end of our conversation but if you want to take it that way go ahead”…which then just blows up.

I think it is one of the things as people we need to address more closely.

PLease keep up the all the hard work and may many good things happen to the gay couples institue.

Comment by John Bernardo — December 13, 2008 @ 5:34 am

Is it ever a good thing to have an ex girlfriend in the relationship when there are feelings for her coming from your now girlfirld.

Comment by Joan — December 17, 2008 @ 8:31 am

The top two things you want from your present
relationship?
- for her to stop with the “me, me, me”
- monogamy

What are the top 2 things you desire to have, or wish to improve,
in your relationship right now.

- build as and us not “you and I”
- stop belittling me

Comment by Anonymous — December 22, 2008 @ 3:16 pm

My boyfriend and I are trying to mend our differences after a four-month hiatus. During these four months, I have received a job opporutnity in my hometown and we have decided to spend the next month trying to work on the “mending.” What would be the best step to maintain the relationship? Defer the job opportunity for our relationship or risk a long-distance relationship?

Comment by Kyle — December 30, 2008 @ 3:40 pm

help me!! my partner always talks down to me and i have tried to tell him that he does this and it doesnt feel good but he only get more angry with me. how do i let him know or show him that this is tearing us apart?

Comment by noah — January 1, 2009 @ 2:26 am

How do you repair a relationship when my boyfriend says he has checked out and no longer wants to be in a relationship. please help.

Comment by Anonymous — January 15, 2009 @ 6:59 pm

The two things I need from my relationship-
1. To learn to trust my partner again after she cheated on me.
2. To be able to be open with each other and feel like she is putting in her all. To feel like I am the only one she wants to be with.

Suggestions:
I’m not from the bay area, I live in san diego, but your institue has been the most helpful so far, and It would be so wonderful if you offered more phone or internet services so that my partner and I can work on things at home.

Comment by JB — May 1, 2009 @ 2:36 pm

Discuss commitment, as in Marriage. Communication and Finances. All of the above, except open relationships since we do not believe in that.

Comment by Robbie — May 14, 2009 @ 5:10 pm

I like the idea of attending a couples workshop/seminar for the day on specific topics. Also, don’t mind attending short seminars (3hrs) all for a nominal fee. Several workshops/seminars could be presented through out the year??

Comment by Robbie — May 14, 2009 @ 5:14 pm

We’ve been together 13 years, but she does not define herself as a lesbian and I do. Culturally and sexually, this has been an issue though I love her dearly. I am feeling denied culturally because we do not hang out with other lesbians and sexually, well….she is not willing to have oral sex though she loves it when I do her. We have similar work ethics, values, faith….there is so much going for us and yet…I have thought this past year, I only have this one life.

Comment by Gail — May 16, 2009 @ 4:02 pm

how to deal with being gay in a straight workplace. how to cope with going to work related functions and not being able to take your partner along.pretending that gay topics at work don’t bother you when they do.not being yourself in the work place do to people talking about gay people.

Comment by Anonymous — September 26, 2009 @ 6:53 am

I would like to have better communication and honesty in my relationship. I would like fewer arguments and I would like for more accountability on my partner’s behalf when she is dishonest. Basically I would like to be counseled but because she is in the military, everything is hush hush and I feel a lack of support from community seeing as we are Black. Anytime, there is a problem it is because God did not want us to be gay, so it is hard to work on us when we have so little support. Thanks for having this program and videos.

Comment by ew — October 18, 2009 @ 9:12 am

Salvatore, Thank you for the video. I am finding your institute very meaningful and intriguing. My partner and I met in San Francisco nearly 36 years ago. Our friends are amazed at how long our successful “marriage” has lasted. We are happy and will never split. I do not say our relationship is 100% perfect, but it is better than we anticipated 30 years ago. There are a few life interests and sexual situations that we try to improve, but basically, these things are not devastating. Still, I read your material with much personal interest. BL

Comment by Bruce — December 27, 2009 @ 5:45 pm

Salvatore,
I watched the video of couples drifting apart. See here alomost 7 months ago, my partner and I had split up due to the very reasons of the video. I am and have always been in love with her and really wanted things to work out with her. I actually did this very thing on my own. I took a step back and looked at me and she looked at her to find out what happend. Where did we go wrong? What could we do to change it? After we took some serious time apart, but we still communicated with one another. We tried again. But for me I notived that I wasn’t giving her the attention she needed and when I was it wasn’t the right attention. It was 75% negative, and that is not what she deserved or needed from me and I knew I could giver her better than that. So we did eventually get back together and have been happy and working on keeping us on the right path ever since. The video was very insitefull and had I seen the video before, it may of helped me to see what I was doing wrong. It is a very good video and I am glad my partner had recomended this site to me. Thank you for your dedication and hard work on tring to help other couple out and help them have a healthy and long lasting relationship. I will definatly be recommending this site to my friends. Once again Thank you.

Comment by Keleka Lane — February 23, 2010 @ 4:28 pm

I really enjoyed your video

Comment by Anonymous — May 4, 2010 @ 4:37 pm

how do I get over the fact of my girlfriend cheating on me years ago

Comment by laur — July 5, 2010 @ 1:39 pm

How can we stop arguing over dumb things

Comment by laur — July 5, 2010 @ 1:40 pm

Have a better sexual relationship and communicate better. And try not to let your relationship change as it grows. Meaning when you first start going out to three years later hope your relationship is the same because remember you went out with that person for a reason being that they were sweet, or sensitive so why would you like them if they change?

Comment by jenny — August 27, 2010 @ 1:19 pm

I called thinking you folks did phone work. Anne was willing to talk with me and advise me more than multiple therapist in the past. This is a class act. All you folks in the Bay area need to know what a treasure you have!!!!

Comment by Jerry — September 1, 2010 @ 2:07 pm