So you’ve been on a couple dates and things are going great. You’re excited, and you hope your date is too.

Then a couple days go by and you get texted…. “I can’t hang out Friday night…” or “Really busy this week can I call you next week?”

By now, you’re wondering: Oh My God, he/she is so great, are they losing interest? What do I do? I don’t want to pester anyone, but I want this one to work out!

Are you getting the cold shoulder???

The Gay Couples Institute is continuing John Gottman’s research on gay/lesbian relationships. Here’s a little of what we know so far about dating and relationships.

Couples begin by building their friendship. You should concentrate on this too! There are three tasks to accomplish during this stage:

1. Get to know each other. What does he do all week? What activities does he enjoy? What’s her family like? Who were his best friends in high school? What was it like for him to come out? You and your date will grow closer as you know each other’s background.
2. To develop a fondness for each other. What makes him unique? What hobbies or personal interests does she have that make you think “Wow, she’s really cool.”
3. When your date makes an overture for your attention, turn toward it (acknowledge it) immediately. These consistent acknowledgements contribute to the “emotional bank account” that exists between the two of you. It’s a way of keeping the ball in play, the conversation moving forward. When you get a text message or phone call, respond. No game playing.

So what to do when he’s not turning toward you very often?

1. Relax. Your job is to turn toward him when he bids for your attention. You’re doing plenty to increase the bank account.
2. Don’t make too big of a deposit into your ‘bank account’ too early. Roses can be a BIG ‘turn toward’ your date, but on the first date this may be a bit much. Small bids in the beginning accomplish more. You can: Ask your date about themselves (show you’re interested – #1 above), show up on time (accomplishing #3), and compliment him/her on what makes them interesting (#2 above).

We’re here to help. If you’re looking to nurture your new relationship, or you’ve been together a while but need a re-charge to your friendship, the Gay Couples Institute has created a couples workshop so that you can both start off on solid footing. Take a look here: http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/workshopregistration.htm