Understanding Monogamy and Gay Couples
What does the research say about monogamous gay male relationships?
Many people assert arguments such as, ‘Men weren’t designed to have one partner, they’re biologically built procreate as often and as much as possible’.
But the biological argument often contradicts scientific research in developmental psychology showing that children are happier and healthier when raised by two loving parents. It then follows that to have two loving parents in a child’s life on a continuous basis, it’s best that they are in a committed relationship. But what about monogamous?
So what’s the right answer?
A researcher at the University of Windsor, Ontario, conducted a fascinating study examining gay male monogamy.
What he found was that:
- Monogamous value systems were most often present in:
- Younger gay couples
- Men new to gay relationships
- Men whose younger years were spent in cultures with little exposure to same-sex life
- More common was an “allegiance” to masculine values of adventure and autonomy, and this extended to sexual life. Non-monogamy was often an assertion of sexual self-determination.
What do you think?
Monogamous values are more present in younger couples, but could it be that as gay men come out at younger ages, and as homosexuality is more accepted by the larger population, the interest in ‘sexual self-determination’ will decrease?
- Gay Couples Institute Research Team
Relationship Innovation in Male Couples. Adam, Barry D.; Sexualities, Vol 9(1), Feb 2006. pp. 5-26.
My partner Mark and I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 7 years. We are both in our early 30s. Part of the reason we came in contact with each other was because we had both been hurt by unfaithful partners in the past and did not want to share our partner with others, so we were looking for monogamy and an exclusiveness.
Monogamy works for us and we wouldn’t change it. We used to think that we were the only monogamous gay couples and every one else was having three ways and in open relationships. What we’ve since discovered is that monogamous gay couples are in fact around and in large numbers. They just are not easy to find. Monogamous gay couples, in our experience, are not on gay website or go to clubs… because that’s the scene and places where single gay men and open gay couples are looking for sex. When you’re part of a monogamous relationship, you’re not after that, you just want to make friends.
People need to stop saying gay relationships aren’t this or aren’t that and realise that every relationship, gay or straight, are unique and need to accommodate the needs of the people involved. The rules for one relationship is entirely different for another. As long as both people in that relationship are happy with their arrangement and both follow this agreement, it’s a relationship.
Comment by Adam — June 11, 2011 @ 8:38 pm
Hi Adam,
Thanks for posting this comment. I think it’s great for a lot of other couples to read.
GCI
Comment by admin — June 14, 2011 @ 8:38 pm
Adam,
Thank you for giving me hope. I have been hurt in the past. I have almost given up on finding a monogamous partner. It is comforting to know that it is possible.
Comment by Thomas Hill — July 9, 2011 @ 11:58 am
We have many organizations for everything in our sub-culture except one for those wanting a monogamous relationship. Why isn’t there a national organization with local chapters where gays can have social events with others who have or want to be in a monogamous relationship? It would appear to me to be far more healthy to me than all of the zillion sites for hookups. This is the element missing in our community to fill the void missing that the straight world enjoys – courting, dating, flirting, and getting to know others based on non-sexual events. Bringing like-minded individuals, and couples who feel “alone” in their monogamous relationship together to celebrate in a secular way.
Comment by m_doctor — October 30, 2011 @ 7:01 am